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N P D Thread - Part 14

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PhoenixRisen posted 10/1/2014 21:55 PM

Ex is classic NDP: manipulation, cheating, demands worship, no empathy ect
We have kids so NC is difficult but he is so crazy after D I went full NC anyway and had him served so only contact was through court.

He freaked out!!!! Seriously NPDs can't stand NC. It's awesome!

After ignoring all his text/emails, his gf starts texting/emailing me... Boom! i'd already ready about Triangulation so I saw it immediately. Email was full off cray cray ranting, accusations, & hostility AND ...get this ...the last line was pleading for me to respond!!! BINGO! crazy NPD totally helped pen the email!!! His gf is just his pawn to target me. He is so desperate for attention for me !!! How f-ed up is there relationship??

I did reply very politely with facts & no emotion (in case judge wants transcript). But then was immediately responded to with more text/emails from "her"... Or maybe it's just him- at this point I don't care. The messages were obvious attempts to target me weaknesses (little does he know... Those aren't my weaknesses!!! Haha!). Back to NC, and as I heat up the popcorn I'm sure he's totally confused as to why i didnt take his bait and respond with tons of the supply he so desperately needs.


Futurefear posted 10/1/2014 22:01 PM

So my stbxh goes from attacking and blaming me to complete detachment, silent treatment. Is this normal? I truly feel like I'm on eggshells because I'm anticipating the next blast.
Then I feel like talking to him because I'm so used to talking to him...it's hard remembering that the man I loved and married is dead, gone, in 'love' with another woman, discarding me and our life like trash.
My heart is heavy and hurts tonight.
I miss my best friend and my life, sadly he doesn't miss me. I have become nothing to him, completely indispensable.
In fact he told me yesterday that he would never come back to me because he would be nothing but a depressed shell of himself who would never leave the bedroom. He then left the house saying he was 'going to the store'. He didn't go to the store and I shouldn't care-he doesn't care what I do so I need to get over myself, I'm just not that special.
He also said that he is going to fight me on my plans for an annulment-he doesn't want one 😞

Futurefear posted 10/3/2014 23:18 PM

I'm having such a hard time watching him hurt my daughter who is 8. 2 weeks he took things off the walls, including taking pictures out of a frame of his parents holding her as an infant. She just noticed tonight and was crushed, literally crushed. I saw the hurt in her eyes and body language. It took the breath out of me. She was so upset, that was hers and her family. His response, 'I'm going to be hanging them up at my house'. Lovely.
I want to send him a text message so badly right now! He has no idea what he's done. He selfish actions have destroyed our family.
How did I marry a man like this? Who is this person?

Kajem posted 10/4/2014 08:25 AM

What made me decide was looking at my kids and thinking what I would do and say if they were married to someone like this, doing things like this to them, what advise would I give them?


I remember thinking this. One Tuesday night he strolled in the door at 3am, took a shower, and crawled into bed beside me, hugging his side of the mattress. I decided to ask him. In the darkness I woke him up and asked him this question, " if our daughters were married and their husband was behaving toward them how you are behaving toward me, what would you tell her?

His answer, " kick him out".

At that point, I still didn't suspect he was seeing someone. It wasn't until a gf pointed it out point blank to me a couple of months later.
Then I told him to leave.

Hold your kids close during this time, it helps you and them!


Futurefear posted 10/6/2014 15:56 PM

Help with NC while living in the same house? On his days off he is with her mostly (thankfully) but the times he is home are unbearable with his snide comments.
Does he enjoy hurting me?
How do I turn a deaf ear? How do I not let them get to me? How do I not let them pierce my heart?
I'm not very good with setting boundaries. I'm hoping that once he is out of the house, my boundaries will be easier and stronger.

Kajem posted 10/6/2014 17:56 PM

I had a friend get a set of headphones, Pandora was her BFF when her stbxh was around.

Hoping each day finds you stronger and stronger.



Kajem posted 10/7/2014 09:36 AM

If anyone is on Facebook check out psychopath free and baggage reclaim.

Who me co dependent?

Melanie Tonia Evans

Narcisstic Abuse Recovery Program

Are just a few of the ones that have profoundly helped me in my struggles.


sadone29 posted 10/7/2014 15:14 PM

Thanks kajem. I'm finding the psychopath free info really helpful.

I'm feeling like I'm drowning in my hatred for him today. I know I'll escape, but my kids won't, and it's driving me insane.

Kajem posted 10/7/2014 19:58 PM

((((((sad one))))

I'm divorced from npdxh since Sept2003. A year ago the youngest turned 18. We have no reason to talk, and we haven't had (save one) conversation since 2008? I still would like to ream him a new one, every so often.

My kids have been calling this week and talking about revelations they have about xh. It's been enlightening, they get that he is not normal. In one kids words " he's my dad, I love him, but he's an asshole."

There's hope,

Sending strength your way.


PrtyInPink posted 10/8/2014 08:47 AM

WH went to his first IC appt yesterday. He came home in a really good mood. He has always had a horrible view on counselors because he was always forced to go to one as a kid. Our MC recommended this IC to him and he has been putting off making an appointment for a month. He said the counselor diagnosed him with Intermittent Explosive Disorder. WH also mentioned to the counselor that I think he has NPD. The counselor said that he wont be able to see that right away but he will keep it on the table for now.

Things have been going good the past few days. WH seems to finally show remorse for his behavior, and his behavior for the entire relationship. I am still EXTREMELY skeptical and I still have all my guard up.

sadone29 posted 10/8/2014 12:22 PM

Thanks Kajem, that's reassuring! Letting go has been a difficult process. They will always be my babies, but they do have their own path to take. I can't save them from everything.

Even if he does completely mess with their heads, I will love them through it all.

Him on the other hand....

Kajem posted 10/10/2014 08:56 AM

That's interesting, a diagnosis in one visit! I'll admit to being skeptical. Have you looked up to see if there really is a diagnosis with that name? Anything my xh said had me looking for verification. Now I just assume if his lips are moving, he's lying. It's easier.

Sad one,
I honestly don't know what is trsnspiring between him and my kids. I know what's happening in the kids lives (that doesn't involve him). I can figure out what's bothering her. Until she brings him up, I don't go there.

Although now she's researching npd for a friend dealing with a WWBF. It's tough not saying something, my tongue has teeth marks!

PrtyInPink posted 10/10/2014 12:02 PM

Kajem, yes I looked it up immediately and it felt like it was written about him. I do still feel that there is some NPD there too. The counselor said he couldn't "diagnose" that one right away and it'd take time. I also mentioned it to my IC last night and she said "yep!!" So it's nice to know that my IC agreed with the diagnosis as well. I did ask about being diagnosed right away at the first session and she said this isn't uncommon.

Futurefear posted 10/10/2014 14:55 PM

Hi everybody,

Not really sure what he is doing here but I could use your thoughts. Yesterday he met with his attorney to go through the divorce decree I proposed. Of course it is all changed but that isn't my issue.
I have had my 2 neighbor girls at my house for the past 2 days due to a death in their family. No big deal, they are my daughters BFF's. Yesterday was my Divorce Cares, I went and left him home in charge. I had already made dinner, homework was done with everyone, he really basically had nothing to do but be the adult in the house.
I started getting text messages telling me how selfish it was for me to go. They read:
'I think you going tonight is very selfish'
'But like always this is FF's world, thanks for letting us be in it'
'I can't believe you went tonight. I think it is very selfish of you'.
'But then again I believe it...'
I finally responded with 'I think your actions over the past year are very selfish, this is the only think I do for myself.'
He then replied 'I'm sure it is...You've been so worried about you the last 2.5 years that you forgot us and what we had. Worried about your job and about babies'.

I lost a baby at 17 weeks about 2 yrs ago and have my dear little guy who is 17 months...

He called my cell phone 12x's as I was driving home, I finally answered and it was really for nothing. Once I got into the house it was all on, I had my VAR going but it quit after 7 minutes. I filed for divorce in April, we are now 10 months into me finding out about the affair. Why keep talking to me about it? Why? Why keep reminding me that I filed? Why believe that I quit, I didn't fight hard enough and why chose her?
He told me that she is upset that I am calling her names...I am not, I call her a home wrecking whore and it is getting back to her. Obviously she can't handle the truth. He isn't too concerned about her feelings and he told me that she is a 'good whore' and he is with her because she likes to do things 'with me'.
Why can't he let this go?
Why is he so obsessed with me having a boyfriend (I don't), and he hates Divorce Cares, always threatens to come and 'check it out'.
UGH-help me. I feel like I am drowning. I didn't want this, he didn't give me an option-for 3 months I tried and I got false 'R'. He says 'you will never know what could have been since you quit'.
I'm tired of crying.

PrtyInPink posted 10/10/2014 15:27 PM

Narcissists are afraid to be alone. He is afraid that he is losing his ego supply. You've been supplying him with ego kibbles for so many years and he is realizing that the supply is leaving him.

My H has acted the same way. I started a home based business last year and went to a meeting with a couple friends one night. We assumed we were eating dinner during the meeting, since it was at a restaurant, so we didn't bother getting food beforehand (the meeting was an hour away). The meeting ended up being held in the event portion of the restaurant and they had only one person to staff the meeting, which meant that person couldn't take orders or bring us food. The meeting ended about 30 minutes after we anticipated and we were starving. I texted my H and said we were going to eat dinner there real fast and then I'd be home. He was PISSED. I got a text back saying how selfish I was and that it was so stupid that I went to the meeting blah blah blah. Our DD was at home with her older sister. My H was at the gym and said that DD needed to get her homework done and had questions and that I should be at home helping her. I said um, have her sister help her. He said no, YOU should be at home helping her. Nevermind that he was at a gym that was only 7 minutes away from the house...

So yes, typical NPD bullshit drama you are having to endure. He is feeling insecure and scared and is projecting it all onto you.

Have you read any books on NPD? I just got done with When Your Perfect Partner Goes Perfectly Wrong and it was an eye opener. It explained EVERYTHING my H has done.

[This message edited by PrtyInPink at 3:35 PM, October 10th (Friday)]

Kajem posted 10/11/2014 10:10 AM


You're changing and he doesn't like it.

I'm willing to bet in the past ( before Dday) if he was acting like this while you were at a meeting. You would stop going. Your actions are not under his control.

The first step you took (in his eyes) was to file. To a Narc, its a public slap in the face.

It's ok. You know you need to make a life without him. You're taking the steps to do that. It's a good and healthy step for you to take.

His dysfunction lies in the fact that he wants OW, and a wife. He can't see that you are giving him exactly what he wants. It was HIS actions that forever changed the marriage and forced you to change in ways you never thought.

You're doing exactly what you need to do to get healthy for your kids. He's just mad he's loosing control. And I bet he's acting like a petulant 3yo.



WinterBranch posted 10/12/2014 15:17 PM

Hey, Tribe. I haven't posted here in a while. Feels like the crazy is just too much to tell, and I've been busy with police, lawyers, etc. Oh, and I'm divorced...to the tune of too much debt on my part, but hopefully I'm free. At least, I haven't heard from him in a month---YAY!

I feel like a idiot, because I was such an easy mark. Telling the story of NPD in your life is so hard. The truth is so incredulous to others...I've just learned to shut up.

[This message edited by WinterBranch at 3:26 PM, October 12th (Sunday)]

Compartmented posted 10/13/2014 07:23 AM

Winterbranch, congratulations on getting divorced! It ain't easy, but it's soooo worth it!

The truth is so incredulous to others...I've just learned to shut up.
I'm seeing (now, a couple of years out) that it is hard for a lot of people to understand what I've been through. I don't share as much with everyone, but I don't shut up. I have friends I've met in support groups that I run things by. They are very dear people to me!

Post here, if you want to run things you're feeling by people who understand, even if you don't want to post your whole story.


Futurefear posted 10/13/2014 09:23 AM

I guess I have been giving him any ego kibbles for 10 months! Since I found out about the affair, I've been on and in survival mode but I also discuss us and me and everything with him trying to make sense out of this...
Dirty whore is his ego kibble now, I was replaced and fired from the job of wife, he gave that to her and she made sure that was her position-rightly so...ugh.

A good whore? Really? Is that worth throwing your family away?

I will have to get that book because I don't understand this one bit.

Kajem posted 10/13/2014 11:26 AM

Winter Branch,

I get it. I've swung the pendulum the other way. I've become the emotional abuse educator 😊. On my days off in the narc police. I can see in the near future NOT being Paranoid regarding narcs. <<<<is a huge step for me. When that day arrives, I'll feel a lot better about me.


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