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It was 3 months ago, and a week after I initiated our breakup for other (non-betrayal-related) reasons, that my husband told me about a 2-year-long PA he had five years ago. I had always trusted him completely and was utterly blindsided by this confession. To summarize my general emotions since, Month 1 was shock and disbelief, and Month 2 was intense rage. There is still rage but the edges have softened- thank goodness because I actually damaged my throat from screaming - and now in Month 3, I am suddenly plagued with intense insecurity about my appearance.

This is especially weird for me because I come from a family where beauty was not important, and I have always been generally confident in myself and happy/ not concerned with my looks. However, the woman my husband cheated with is 10 years younger than us and stereotypically prettier than me- blond, bigger boobs, etc. And now, I have a loud inner voice constantly critiquing my belly, my eye wrinkles, my greying hair, etc etc. Sometimes it's the opposite- I'll look in the mirror and think how hot I am, and how on Earth could anyone say no to THIS? But I know that type of self-talk is just a desperate response to the critical voice.

Last week, I actually didn't go to a work event (I lied that I got sick) because I became hysterical in thinking that I was too ugly, too unfit for public eyes, to be there. Even as I was feeling this, crying in the car after I parked with the intention of going, I knew how completely insane this logic was. I don't work in the beauty industry, and my attractiveness has no bearing on my work being successful. Thankfully I haven't had an episode as intense as that one since, but I am still consistently much more focused on and critical of my appearance and "attractiveness" than I've ever been in my life.

Ugh! This is the worst. Have others experienced this? Is there a cure?

[This message edited by Screaminginthecar at 4:08 AM, Friday, November 13th]

I know that type of self-talk is just a desperate response to the critical voice.

No it is not a desperate response! And who does that critical voice belong to? A man who chose to betray his vows for whatever reason and it just so happens the female he chose to betray you with had some stereotypical sexy features? Like is your mind going through a ghostly sort of "dialog" with him, wondering what made him decide to do that, and your mind latched onto her looks as a symbol of his own failure to honor his vows? Did he actually say that was THE reason for his PA? Was he the kind of man who always had a bit of a roving eye, but you just trusted he'd never cross that line?

I went through something a little bit similar after D-Day 1. Suddenly I would look at every random woman "like he must have" because he was supposed to be "mine" yet he had chosen to cheat with a paid escort the very same day we had made love that morning!? My heart was broken and confused because finding that out flew in the face of everything I ever understood about how even a man with a high sex drive - and my WH was never all that driven - would decide to go that far! It was torture for a long while. Until it didn't matter so much any more, because later on I learned he had been doing this his whole life long and had way deeper issues than I ever suspected. But my eyes have certainly been opened to how men can lust and what such lust does to a healthy marriage.

It is still very early days after you separated and of course you are in shock and trauma. I am sure many other wise SI folks will have better suggestions, but just wanted to tell you you're being too hard on yourself right now!

[This message edited by Superesse at 5:36 AM, Friday, November 13th]

From someone who finds beauty in every woman (and man so you can say person, but that’s not the part that interests you right now), the answer is simple:

You aren’t ugly unless you allow yourself to be.

This is not about appearance of beauty types at all.
Is about energy and inner life.

Physical appearance might be a plus factor to feel confident when you break the ice with a stranger.

That’s about it.

And it’s extremely unlikely that a woman who feels attractive doesn’t catch a man’s eye.
You do every single time, even if you’re the opposite of the "ideal type" if you’re in Yourself, as when you "watch yourself in the mirror and find yourself hot", that’s what you radiate to others.

Is not pep talk or patting your back sister. Same as for guys is for women, you can’t believe it because a "weapon" women use to captivate and charm men around is accentuate their natural beauty so it radiates outside. That’s the entire makeup industry and fashion, but there is way more to this, those things alone are useless:

They are magnetic because by caring for themselves they feel beautiful, and this confidence is what captures.

This is deeper and way more important than many understand.

It is the mechanism of attraction and gravity, you could be the physical manifestation of Aphrodite on earth as physical perfection goes, and if you can’t feel it, you won’t be attractive and will feel ugly.

On the other end, there is plenty of women who are objectively not very lucky when it comes to physical appearance, and they are still very attractive. Because they feel so.

What I feel it’s happening to you:
You are comparing yourself to the affair partner. Since your partner chose her over you, then she must be the better choice, prettier, sexier, more fascinating, the whole circus.

Like our wayward partners cheat on us because they want to prove they "still got it" they want to feel sexy, attractive and chosen, big bonus if they are chosen over someone else because that’s a huge ego boost to soothe low self worth, the affair partners are the very same thing. There is no different between a wayward and an affair partner at all: our wayward is the affair partner of their affair partner. They aren’t having a relationship, they are having an affair. Chances are our wayward could be the OM/ OW of their affair partner betrayed partner.

Same thing
Same worth

I know and understand why you feel this way, we all do, is one big hit to our self worth of betrayed partners.

And it’s just not true.

Have you ever considered that is not the affair partner is prettier than you, but the true issue is that your man is shittier than most men?

And that doesn’t matter what other woman was ready and available to open up to him sexually and emotionally for him to jump right in?
She could be a pig with makeup and he would dive in the mud, because he is exactly the same.

She is not prettier, your man is shittier.
And she matches him in kind.

Want to know how does the "I found a woman that I am more attracted to" really looks like?

"Dear partner, I am fallen out of love with you and I desire someone else. I am leaving you because I have to accept what I feel and I must be honest with you, you deserve it."

Nothing happens before, not romance, no kissing, no sex beyond the realization of feeling attraction. The moment you realize you are into someone else, you drop your partner because it is the only right thing to do. Otherwise you are a liar, an abuser., in a word: a cheater.

This is not dating, isn’t love isn’t partner selection.

- He didn’t leave you or been honest with you.
- He didn’t want to address his emotions or try to work out issues between you two.
- He didn’t confront you or gave you the chance to choose what life you want
- he didn’t respect your emotional world or sexuality.

He just jumped in the mud with the other pig, and kept you managed in the pocket as a safety net, because he knew that when the pigs will go looking for the next mud pound, he can always come back to you, and you would be there, waiting, faithful, loving and loyal.

You aren’t competing with the affair partner, you never will, because there’s and never was any competition.
It was opportunity and availability of two same level people ready to abuse you (and another partner if there was one) for a quick hit of validation.

This is no matter of who is the hottest or prettier woman, it’s not a competition.

I can tell you right now without even needing to know how you or her look like but just based on behavior and energy:

Without a doubt you ARE the better woman.
She is just a skunk, and no matter how much maquillage or designer clothing or body care and fitness she might sport, she ain’t worthy your pinkie toe.

Any guy worth his salt would agree that she is just a forgettable "drainer" for a one night stand because she’s cheaper than a prostitute. Though probably much higher health risk.

Not worth the time unless you are drunk and down your luck. Kind of person you don’t even want to know your real name or have your phone.

Everyone on this planet is worthy. These people choose and put a lot of effort in becoming worthless. Notice that he chose not to put a fraction of that effort in your relationship. He is there to take, not to give.

Once they shown you who they are, believe them.

You have nothing to envy about this girl, or your husband / partner.

And if you can feel what I am telling is the simplest truth, you might feel a little better.

You have been heard.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder is a cliche, but it's very, very true. No matter how you describe yourself, some people will find you attractive, and some will not. Some people are attracted to younger women, while others prefer older women. Some care about things like breast size, while others could not care less. Some love the way their spouse smiles, or the particular expression they get when they are deep in thought.

My wife has a scar on her arm that I find attractive. I was with her when she got it while cooking. It was a burn, nothing serious enough to require a trip to the hospital, but serious enough to leave a scar. To someone else, it might simply be an imperfection. To me, it's part of her history, part of our history, and therefore part of what makes her beautiful.

Attraction is not a competition where everyone agrees on the rankings. Your husband's affair partner being younger, blonder, or having bigger breasts does not make her more beautiful than you. It just makes her different.

And perhaps most importantly, his decision to have an affair is not a referendum on your attractiveness. You do not need to be prettier than her to establish that you are worthy. You are.

You do not have to be a 10 to be someone's 11.

[This message edited by LittleMonk at 2:23 PM, Friday, November 13th]

Screaming,

I went through this too. I had been an athlete my whole life, and a D1 athlete in college. After college, I kind of let myself go. I was always very muscular, but not tall, and kind of…thick, let’s say. AP was tall and skinny. After she left me, I went crazy in the gym, like punishing myself.

I wish I had known then what I know now. I posted this article the other day, and I think it might help you. It’s partially about comparing yourself to AP. Let me know what you think.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/667556/linda-macdonald-article-the-affair-bubble/

In all cases, just remember: you’re the prize. She’s the kind of person that sleeps with married men. Just remember the old saying "Honey, they always affair down." https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/558762/honey-they-always-affair-down/

I have experienced a version of this.

I’m also betrayed with new hangups. I get more attention on the street now than I have in at least three years. But in my mind, every dude who looks at me is another dude gawking at any and every woman who walks by (even if they aren’t). I have lost any ability I ever had to think that I, specifically, might be attractive to anyone. Or that it would mean anything at all if I were. People have been reduced to body parts for me, and I hate it. I’m constantly having to watch for and rein in this rude and humiliating instinct to study any woman I see who has the same style/features as his AP.

Part of my brain knows that isn’t right or true, or a pleasant or kind way to look at the world, but I rarely connect with that part in my gut. But it’s there, and I know that, with time, that part will be able to take the wheel more.

It’s great that you still have times when you look at yourself and feel good. It’s extra great that you know your success in life isn’t tied to your cup size. That’s every bit as real as the bad things you tell yourself, and a hell of a lot more helpful. Give that part of yourself your gratitude and tell it to keep speaking up. You need each other while the traumatized lady in the corner is freaking out. You can help that hurt part of yourself with the more confident parts. The confidence isn’t a lie. It’s not.

You’re not alone. If you aren’t in counseling, this is a really good thing to go for. These new beliefs you’ve had dumped on you aren’t carved in stone. Your trauma is still pretty fresh. Treat it now, if you aren’t already. It can make a world of difference when it comes to your resilience now and in the future.

All the luck.

@Letmebefrank - thank you! This article was really helpful, especially this part:

"And to the Betrayed Spouse: Please Stop Competing

This is the part I especially want you to hear.

You may have tortured yourself with comparisons. Perhaps you’ve studied photographs of the other person. Maybe you’ve scrutinized her face, body, clothing, career, personality, or social media posts. Perhaps you’ve wondered what he provided that you couldn’t. Maybe you have replayed your spouse’s criticisms until you began accepting them as an objective assessment of your deficiencies.

Please stop.

You were being compared with a fantasy environment, not merely another person.

Your spouse saw you against the backdrop of bills, responsibilities, disappointments, history, fatigue, aging, familiarity, and the normal friction of two imperfect people sharing a life. The affair partner was illuminated by novelty, secrecy, anticipation, idealization, and escape."

And @SeekingWhatever, thank you too!! I think what I was looking for here was if others have experienced this, and I'm comforted both to know that it is a common experience, and to realize that what I'm comparing myself to is a fantasy - not a real whole person. I wish you peace and joy in your own self-acceptance and in your body as you continue on your journey too.

[This message edited by Screaminginthecar at 11:39 PM, Friday, November 13th]