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My boyfriend and I were together for 2.5 years. We discussed marriage. I broke up with him almost three months ago after discovering a one night stand he had out of town. It came at the end of a difficult year for us, with him experiencing job loss and depression. We became fractured, and I explained to him I had started to feel deeply lonely in the relationship and feared he was losing interest in us, but when I brought it up he would say he was just upset about work, and we never got to the heart of the conversation. I checked his phone for the first time ever when he returned from that trip and found texts confirming the betrayal.

I was devastated when I found out, and am beyond devastated now, I was cheated on in my last relationship as well, which he knew. I left immediately and told him we were 100% done, however, of course, I was and am still deeply in love with him. I didn’t want to leave, which is why I stayed so long throughout our strained period. The money didn’t matter to me at all, the time and the love did. We spoke about a week after the breakup, I was intending on closure, but he was so open and accountable and emotionally destroyed; he spoke about how he sabotaged the relationship, how he was fearful and avoidant, and how he was sorry he hadn’t been able to discuss his depression and how it came across as coldness and distance. He said he wasn’t prepared for a love like ours and wasn’t ready emotionally or financially for what we were trying to build and fearfully sabotaged it all. I asked about the possibility of him making changes in his life, working on himself and these things, and if, then, it would be possible for us to get back together. He agreed that that was all he wanted, and told me that he would work on himself and hoped to repair things with us. That is where we left it.

I haven’t heard from him since then. I am trying to leave it alone and let him work on himself, and then come back to me. But obviously, I am plagued with so many thoughts at once: the first, that if I don’t reach out he will be silent forever, the second, that I am extremely stupid for waiting around anyway, that our relationship was and always will be unsafe, especially if we get married and have children, the third an extreme anguish and loneliness and grief at losing him, I still love him deeply, want us. The fourth the simple depression and worthlessness that has come from being cheated on. I am not sure why this keeps happening to me, and not sure why I am not mad and angry and upset and wanting to move forward. I ultimately however am not getting better. I ultimately want to be with him again and give us a second chance.

I would like to know if reconciliation is possible for us and if there is anything I should do. I know I am the one that left, but he is the one that needs to repair. The loneliness and pain is getting worse day to day, and I feel very hopeless

[This message edited by littleblue at 2:55 AM, Friday, November 6th]

Littleblue,

I would like to know if reconciliation is possible for us and if there is anything I should do. I know I am the one that left, but he is the one that needs to repair.

1st thing I think you might want to reconsider is the idea that "you left" the relationship 1st. I would argue that the moment he chose to betray you, "he left" the relationship 1st. That switch around is an important distinction because in an odd way you have placed the blame on you, which is an easy and often mistake betrayed spouses make but I believe will get in the way of your healing.

But to answer your question of is reconciliation possible. Yes, it is nearly always possible if both parties are willing to do the arduous, long-term work needed. A different question that I would ask you to think about is, is it worth it. Not he, it.

Don’t get me wrong, I am a huge believer in reconciliation and have reconciled with my wife who betrayed me, which was 35 years ago. But there is not one day in that 35 years that I don’t think about her decision to cheat. It is not as painful as it once was, but no matter how amazing my wife is and how wonderful our marriage has become, and how deep our mutual love for each other has grown, pain lingers in the recesses. If I had chosen to move on, divorce, and allow my love to be developed with someone else, would that lingering pain still exist? Is a question I have asked myself. I’ll never know because I did not give that option a chance.

My heart goes out to you, as it will for many others here at SI.

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