SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

[This message edited by EmoRollercoaster at 12:25 AM, Thursday, September 24th]

From experience (and I have a lot of it…) it’s extremely rare that couples can reconcile if the affair partner remains in close proximity.
Is she married? What is their work relationship? Is one or the other superior in hierarchy?

Frankly – this being so early days – maybe the only thing that you should be seeking in your joint therapy sessions is how you two can coexist as a couple until he get’s the promotion and can be better separated from her.

I'm not sure how to reply to others on thread yet so bare with me.

He is her boss. And she is also married but I haven't said anything to her H.
It's funny because her H had reached out to me twice on two seperate occasions when they were on work trips to warn me that they were having an affair but couldn't provide me with definitive evidence of it so I just kind of blew it off but remained suspicious. So today I just feel stupid.

I feel like we will have a lot to unpack at our therapy session. He also is in IC at my request because he obviously has a lot to work on himself.

I am honestly so codependent- I'm worried that if we just coexist in the house then that will cause more damage and he will just run back to her again. We had issues in our marriage before the A that I think contributed, but he's obviously shown that he is weak and I can't trust what he's doing while I can't keep an eye on him.

You have a real problem here. As long as he continues to work with her, you're not going to feel safe.

The up and down yo-yoing is what we call the emotional roller coaster, and it's normal. Well as "normal" as this situation can be. You're not overreacting or being unreasonable. Betrayal trauma is real trauma and PTSD symptoms are common. It can take 2 to 5 years to recover. Not a few weeks or months.

I would question the depth of his "remorse" if dealing with your pain is too much for him to handle. Him acting shady when you check his phone is a red flag, too.

I'm not saying that recovery absolutely can't happen if he continues to work there, but it does make things exponentially harder, and his actions right now aren't overly inspiring. A truly remorseful spouse is willing to do whatever it takes to try and repair the damage that's been done. That includes changing jobs if reasonably possible, answering questions, even if you've asked the same questions a hundred times, and dealing with your pain and confusion without getting impatient or dismissive.

As for couples counseling I recommend a great deal of caution because many couples counselors will try to fix the relationship at any cost, even if it means laying partial blame at the feet of the betrayed spouse. This is not a good thing. We generally recommend individual counseling first. A trauma counselor for you, and a counselor for him to help him get to the bottom of why he thought having an affair was a good idea to begin with. Good marriage counselors are hard to find when it comes to infidelity. Besides that, your marriage didn't cheat. He did. He made the choices. Whatever might be going on in your marriage, no one or nothing made him cheat. That decision os 100% on him and him alone. This is not your fault.

Check out the healing library found in the drop down at the top of the page. There are some good articles there, and read the pinned and bullseye posts. Several of them were recently bumped so they should be on the first page.

Hang in there and keep posting. This is a good group of folks who understand what you're going through. Ask any questions or just vent if you need to. We get it. Most of us have been there. You're being heard.

[This message edited by Pogre at 6:48 PM, Wednesday, September 23rd]

Hi EmoRollercoaster,

I’m so sorry you have had to found us.

I’m posting links to two recent "live" threads [I hope that’s ok Mods!] that have a lot of people’s thoughts on WSs working with APs:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/667279/startup-woes/
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/667431/minimization-rug-sweeping-and-comfort/

The big concern about continuing to work with an AP is "relapse". But I think you have a different problem here, which is that he hasn’t ended the affair:

when I ask him to check his phone (gets defensive or looks over my shoulder the whole time, says I'm pilfering), won't discontinue texting conversations with her, and still hasn't given me access to accounts. Idk what else I need to ask for in order to feel secure but I've mentioned these things to him multiple times and he's just kind of not listening? I don't know. He says he wants to repair the marriage and is all in but I require full transparency from him and he seems like he doesn't want to give it.

Won’t discontinue texting conversations with her? The fuck?

Everything you have asked for are minimum requirements. You need the access to the accounts. He can’t continue to text her. Or see her. It’s not that he’s not listening. It’s that he doesn’t want to.

We always tell people in this forum to watch actions, not listen to words. His words say he wants to repair the marriage, his actions say otherwise.

Finally, everyone here will advise you tell the OBS ("other betrayed spouse", her BH). He has a moral right to know - everyone has a right to know that they are being cheated on. Also, he told you, so you kind of owe him. But be forewarned, it may be against your best interest. As APs boss, your WH will almost certainly have violated company policies having sex at work. He has likely exposed the company to sexual harassment claims. If OBS reports them to HR, your WH could lose his job.

I’m sorry you are in an impossible situation. The right thing to do is tell OBS, but it may come at a real personal cost.

Just remember: if it does, it’s your WH’s fault. Having sex at work with a subordinate is an insanely irresponsible and risky thing to do, especially for someone who values his job over his marriage.

" i am honestly so codependent- I'm worried that if we just coexist in the house then that will cause more damage and he will just run back to her again. We had issues in our marriage before the A that I think contributed, but he's obviously shown that he is weak and I can't trust what he's doing while I can't keep an eye on him"

Let him. Your nervous system gets to rest… you deserve to take care of yourself and not have to obsess over what he’s doing. Work on ways to detach. The more you detach and focus on yourself, the more clarity you will have. Right now he is not a candidate for reconciliation. He has to show you that he’s committed to no contact and working on himself. Until then, you have to focus on making yourself feel ok. If he ends up going back to her … he does not care about your feelings and isn’t a person to reconcile with !

He’s not weak.

Please stop making excuses for his cheating.