SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Honestly I’m just so tired of writing about it and thinking about it but it’s almost 2 am and guess what, my cheating partner is nowhere to be found. When I first found out about his cheating about 5 or 6 weeks ago , he denied for a few days but then expressed remorse. Said all the right things about how he didn’t want to lose me etc… then time went on as us behaving as roommates as I waited for him to schedule a counseling appointment and make the changes I asked for. Well he didn’t - instead he is acting destructively and erratic … the other night he got drunk and told me basically it’s my fault because we never have sex I’m "always tired " . As if that’s not bad enough, today he went out for lunch at 2 pm with a mutual friend, and stayed at that bar all day and night without a text, call , or anything . So much for rebuilding trust ! It’s Sunday night . He is supposed to work at 5 am. So at 10:30 pm I went over to the bar that he’s at down the street, just to see what’s going on. because neither he or my friend answered me all day ! (It’s a male friend). The bartender wouldn’t let me in but I saw them sitting at the bar and thought: ok this sucks, but at least everyone is safe. As a relatively normal person , if I don’t hear from my partner all day I get worried that something might be wrong. That’s the only reason I drove over there I was really having panic attacks and getting so nervous. I came home and tried to go to bed. Well I just woke up around 1 am, and his location is at a house that I do not recognize. Definitely not the friends house . I am so tired of the stress and anxiety having not done anything to deserve it. I really cannot wait to cut him loose and regain my peace back. Right now I am just feeling traumatized over and over again !! What is the deal with them making things worse and worse when they are given the gift to try to make things better ?? What is the thought process here ? I destroyed her emotionally so I might as well keep doing it ! Or what ??? I really need a hug.

Absolutely a virtual hug friend. I get what you feel.

All those are red flags and you aren’t crazy for thinking that he might be cheating again right now (he might, not guaranteed, but he is sleeping over somewhere else).

Now I don’t get why the bartender stopped you from entering a public place or you could reflect on the issue why intimacy feels like being to tired for, but these are irrelevant now.

Your anxiety is. And the alarms are off because you can see that no matter how much you might be emotionally open to reconcile with this man if he sets himself straight (you aren’t right now unbonded to hi, still even after the backstabbing), he doesn’t care about anything but his rotten ego.

Not even about himself, really, about his fake mask, his "reputation " the ego.

That’s why probably he lied through his teeth to the mutual friend, likely painting you as the abusive devil.

Is called darvo, a cheater will never admit to be the villain (they are the villain), a cheater will always present themselves as the victim.

I can tell you that he is likely to be sleeping well all while you the betrayed partner are spiraling. He sleeps because he protects his ego from the spotlight of being seen as the shitty one.

You don’t sleep because you care about the relationship and we’re deeply hurt. He doesn’t care about anything more that his ego, if that’s validated he can keep the facade and performance without the risk of having to look at himself in the mirror (he probably knows deep down he’d be spitting in himself if he ever were to).

So escapism. Validation. Lies. And trickery.

If he keeps making himself the victim he can keep being soothed. And he is ready to do that no matter how much it makes you bleed more than he did already.

You paying the price of his betrayal and aftermath? Sounds about right, he doesn’t care to add suffering to your suffering, he is willing to pay that price for preserving his ego and self lies.

Kind of an open tab at the bar that he will charge limitlessly and he expects you to pay it.

He feels entitlement.

Put yourself first, as he is now, he is worthless.

PS- this is not erratic behavior sister. Is predictable to a t. Most if not all of our cheaters did behave in a similar way when found out or in the height of the betrayal. Gaslighting, blame shifting, dehumanizing the betrayed partners…. They are all elements of the dysfunction of a person who allow themselves to step so low as to become a cheat, and they are all predictable.

Is like watching a junkie in denial taking hits of his fix, and struggling to buklshit everyone around (including themselves) as of why they aren’t an addict and they are just poorly misunderstood and misjudged by some "evil" person that wants them to change and get clean.

Never the bad guys, not even when caught doing the worst.

Predictable, not erratic.

You can’t help or save someone who doesn’t want to be helped or saved. And you can’t expect empathy from your sexual and emotional abuser if they never feel remorse or admit to their personal horrors.

You come first.
You have been heard.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 7:27 AM, Monday, September 21st]

I am so sorry you are going through this.

I am a wayward myself, and your WH behaviour is absolutely unacceptable.

Instead of staying home with you, he keeps adding to the trauma.

My DDay was nearly 1 year ago, and I voluntarily stopped going out since then (with the exception of work and driving the kids around. And I always show where I am, including taking pics and videos to prove it). I am not saying this is the right or only way, but honestly, he shouldn’t disappear like that.

Your needs should be his only upmost priority now and for the next 100 years.

Take care

At what point does erratic behavior become expected behavior?
I went through a lot of your past posts to better understand your situation. Brutally and frankly: He has repeatedly shown "erratic" behavior; the cheating that you know of 2 years ago, utilizing sex-workers, out with a woman, and now out drinking and at some stranger’s house. Frankly – based on that – "erratic" behavior from him would be more like you waking up to a full breakfast, with him dressed in a suite to go to church.

I’m a big believer in redemption. I have seen people change their behaviors, strive at amends and become "safe". Not only regarding fidelity, but at life in general. However… it requires a lot of self-reflection, recognition of accountability and defined, intentional action. Your partner hasn’t shown any of that.

There is an old African fable about a man walking past a ditch and a venomous snake calling out to him, asking for help to get out of the ditch. The man refuses, saying the snake could bite him. The snake solemnly promises not to do so, and the man reaches down and lifts the snake out.
Once out, the snake turns around and bites the man. As the man lies dying, he asks the snake why he bit him – despite the promise. The snake replies; because I’m a snake. What else can I do?
Your partner is that snake, and he isn’t really showing any will to change.

It’s now really only a question on what you are willing to accept…

Yes, I agree. Given what you've been telling us this behavior is more the norm than erratic. Erratic would imply surprising and at this point I don't think what you're telling us is all that surprising.

Why would the bartender not let you in? Was it after hours? I know sometimes bars will stay "open" for an after hours perty with small groups of friends of the bartenders. Did your husband know you were there?

I think you need to work the 180 or gray rock and start seriously detaching. You gave him a gift he doesn't deserve and he's not even trying at all.

So sorry. The reason this hurts you so much is because you cared. Because you wanted love and connection...it meant something to you. So what you are feeling is so normal. But yes...you need to protect yourself. It is time to think of your safety.

I really hope you have some family or close friends that you can stay connected with and lean in during this time. We are here for you too. And God is always seeking you and will NEVER fail you.

Leeleelu

I am so tired of the stress and anxiety having not done anything to deserve it.

I am so sorry and sending you a huge virtual hug because you really do sound exhausted - you are not asking for anything unreasonable here, after betrayal you should not be having to wonder where your partner is at 1am or drive around trying to reassure yourself that he is safe while he disappears without even a message.

What is the deal with them making things worse and worse when they are given the gift to try to make things better ??

I think this is the painful part because you are looking at it from the perspective of someone who would be desperate to repair the damage if you had caused it - his behaviour is showing you where he actually is right now and that matters more than the things he said immediately after DDay...please do not take his comment about sex into yourself, problems with intimacy can be talked about like adults - cheating is a separate choice: marriage problems are one thing and cheating is another. You sound like you are reaching the point where peace matters more than trying to understand behaviour that keeps hurting you and you do not have to make every decision tonight but you are allowed to stop carrying the anxiety for both of you.

" At what point does erratic behavior become expected behavior?
I went through a lot of your past posts to better understand your situation. Brutally and frankly: He has repeatedly shown "erratic" behavior; the cheating that you know of 2 years ago, utilizing sex-workers, out with a woman, and now out drinking and at some stranger’s house. Frankly – based on that – "erratic" behavior from him would be more like you waking up to a full breakfast, with him dressed in a suite to go to church."

Thanks Bigger . This is the one that’s been sticking with me all morning. Thanks everyone. I am barely holding myself together . I just need him to leave my house. Please pray that he doesn’t create more drama for me, and that he leaves peacefully and doesn’t engage with any sort of argument with me. I emotionally just cannot handle it I am so drained . I did not sleep at all. I will not feel peace until he is gone . Then I can open the floodgates and start to heal. Anyone have a fast forward button? lol

Anyone have a fast forward button? lol

God, do I relate to this.

While we're requesting, how about a rewind button? That'd be even better!

Hang in there, Leelee. Do what's best for you. We're here if you need a vent.