SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have posted before about finding out about my WS affair and what to do with reconciliation or divorce.
The truth is that while she had a physical affair (multiple times with an old University friend), after reading through this forum a lot I realise I was having emotional affairs for a long time - watching porn; webcams, speaking on sex sites.
I knew that it was a problem... I didn't seek help for it and I didn't confide in my wife.

I cannot help now but look at my actions and see how it led to the affair my Wife ultimately committed and led to her feeling of depression and suicidal thoughts - I feel unspeakably guilty.

I didn't commit anything physical; but I know I cheated - I just didn't get found out. There were times over the years where we would talk about porn and have a heart to heart where things improved and for a long period - a number of years - I was 'good' in not going on webcam sites or having emotional affairs. I think I lapsed after the birth of our child and that triggered my wife's depression.

I am saying all this as I am now reflecting on the outcome of the affair; we have been through MC and IC - my wife wants to R and has put a lot of effort in. We have been open about everything; I have said about my own actions and how I feel guilt towards having caused this situation.

Even knowing all this....and knowing how I contributed to where my life is now; with a wife that has worked and wants to R and a lovely family with a loving daughter.... I still deep down don't want to really reconcile.

I am a coward. I don't want to put the work in to not watch porn. I don't want my life to be defined by having to put 'controls' in place to make sure I don't watch porn, if on a night out don't flirt with another woman. I know how this makes me sound and some reading here may be disgusted but I am trying to own who I am as a person and ultimately who I want to be.

I have applied for Divorce and my wife has asked me where I see my life in the future. Honestly I don't see myself with anyone - I would rather be on my own and just live my life as I want to - not beholden to anyone.

Am I broken? Am I still dealing with the aftermath of the affair and this is just me trying to protect myself? Sometimes I feel like I have tried to reconcile as much as I can - other times I know in my heart that I haven't tried enough and it's because I don't really want to change.

I have tried to be as open and honest to my wife about this as I can...and she is still wanting to Reconcile. I think I must be mad

Honesty with your wife is the best thing you can do for her and yourself.

Most betrayed spouses would rather know the truth than spend years focused on R, only to find out it wasn’t what you (the other spouse) really wanted.

I’m not judging your choices. But I will suggest that you, as the one who wants the D, come up with a co-parenting plan that is in the best interest of your child.

Also try to encourage the best relationship with your STBX as possible. It may be low contact except for issues surrounding kid or it could be a mutual respect relationship and you get along as best as possible.

Please pay alimony or child support on time (if you must pay). Please be flexible with parenting time so the child can see that both parents are not sabotaging each other.

I hope this works out for you.

Yep be honest Swith her. If you dont want to stop cheating on your wife (and you have admitted to all kinds of cheating behaviour that you admit you will not stop), then reconciliation will never work.

Letting her know up front that you aren't willing to put in the massive amount of work in that reconciliation takes is the only fair thing to do . Otherwise you are wasting both your lives on something that can't ever be successful.

Also if you truly aren't willing to change its good you plan to be alone for the rest of your life if you truly won't stop these behaviors you shouldn't be in a relationship. Kudos I guess for being honest with yourself, now be honest with your wife.