SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

we are 1 year into whatever crisis my WS was in, and i have been encouraged to forgive & forget, manipulated, gaslit, the death of his mother is constantly to blame, for whatever he got up to, and i don't truly know the half of it. i assume, that if you're going to lie that much, and sneak around with a girl 40yrs your jr. there's a reason you don't want your partner of 22yrs to know about it. but now what? i have no closure, i've swept so much lies, betrayal, disrespect, destroyed self esteem, and loss under the rug, i'm starting to trip over it. he says a lot, but i don't know what i trust or believe anymore. he's starting to behave like a real man again, but i have such doubts, and no help to getting him back. he says he wouldn't still be here, if he didn't want to be, but even that's not true, we can't move, the place we own together won't sell yet, and my FIL needs the stability of living in one place. (with us)

yes he went through another life crisis, trauma, and yes, his brain deals with things differently than most, he was lost, and he lashed out at the one person, he knew would forgive him, and help him pick up the pieces. i love him dearly, and can't see life without him, we have no children, and i have no other family (or friends) to turn to, hence the reason i went back! oh, and i realize i'm the reason his cousins won't come & visit with us, because i messaged them the night i left, i wanted someone to hate him that night as much as i did, but he doesn't know they know, oops! where do i go from here?

[This message edited by redloui at 6:43 PM, Thursday, July 30th]

Hi redloui,

We'd really need some more info or details to be much help for you, but at this point things don't sound too good.

That said, I took a look at your profile and see that your husband has/had a head injury? You mention "his brain deals with things differently." That hits very close to home for me. My wife had a head injury when she was an infant causing a TBI that left her with epilepsy. She's not handicapped, but she is definitely wired a little differently from the rest of us, and I completely relate to what you mean by loving someone whose brain deals with things differently. Boy, oh boy do I understand that.

My wife has always had a complicated relationship with truth and honesty, but where our stories diverge is that she has learned a nasty lesson from her infidelity and she's completely rededicated herself to me and our marriage. I gotta say, brain injury or not, you can't just continue to let someone keep you in limbo or accept dishonesty and lying forever. I called divorce lawyers and started setting up appointments right in front of her. That snapped her out of it right quick and in a hurry. She's done some counseling and is currently setting up some more since our insurance will cover some more visits again. She's working really hard to change and become a better person.

The thing about dealing with brain injured people is that their executive function is sometimes pretty wonky and they have very black and white thinking. Usually some issues with impulse control and empathy as well. I know explaining hurt feelings, emotions, and getting them to understand what it's like to be in someone else's shoes can be a challenge. You have your hands full. All I can offer is that I took strong measures to shock her out of it and let her know just how hurt and serious I was before she really got it. I was prepared for divorce and I don't think she thought I would go that far. It shocked her right out of the fog she was in.

[This message edited by Pogre at 11:42 PM, Thursday, July 30th]

Just to add, there is no excuse for infidelity. Head injury or not, crisis or not, no excuse. My wife understands that. Head injury and all. Don't let him use it as an excuse.