SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello all. I have been visiting here for awhile and reading both heartbreaking and happy stories. I am 5 1/2 months in and just feel discouraged. My story is as follows:

Together 22 years. Not married. No kids. Me 40sF and WP 50sM. WP started emotional affair March 2025. Younger AP lives in another state and they have not met in person since initial contact that lasted about 10 minutes. I suspected for several weeks prior, but confronted for DDay 1 in July 2025. Got the "just friends" explanation but he decided to reluctantly cut contact after admitting the contact was inappropriate. He said he had been unhappy and felt unneeded by me. There was a dead bedroom and we had serious communication issues when it came to having needs met. I felt low priority in his life and unimportant. Hysterical bonding lasted for about two months. Both in IC. I though things were improving a little. Intimacy was back on track.

DDay 2 happened Feb 2026. I confronted again after suspecting the affair had been ongoing. He admitted immediately and agreed to break up and move out, since that was a boundary I had placed after DDay1. WP said contact had only been going on again for "a couple of months" but I suspect it started up earlier. He did not tell his therapist that he restarted the affair. He cut off contact again with AP and let me approve the NC message he sent.

We had some deep and honest conversations after DDay2 and I discovered there was also some major financial infidelity occurring for more than a decade with a hobby. This was also very hard to hear as financial safety is also very important to me.

WP expressed interest in R to myself, friends and family, but we agreed to take it very slow as I was not 100% sure. We initially texted often and saw each other 1-2 times per week for lunch or dinner. Two months in, WP seemed more distant and no longer wanted to meet up. He said he felt numb and a little relieved to be alone. I asked WP about texting and he said he thought some space was a good idea. I stopped initiating contact at much and we went low contact. He has reached out for phone monthly phone call updates which go really well. In June he expressed being very depressed. We still both miss each other and love each other. He has stressed that he has not in contact with AP or anyone else. He told a friend recently that he regrets the affair and it disgusts him.

I think I am struggling because time apart has given me more clarity and has moved me towards wanting R. I have much clearer idea of what I want/need in our or any relationship. I can see my flaws/his complaints and I am working on them in therapy. I am hurt that he was more enthusiastic about R earlier on and now seems to have lost motivation. I wanted to see if anyone else has experienced similar pattern or dynamic from a WP and what their mindset was and when things may have turned around. I often see people say that 5-6 months out is still very early. It has felt like an eternity in hell.

He probably needs a complete physical exam. He might need something for depression. It sounds like you might benefit from them as well. As odd as this sounds I think both of you were bored. If you both can do it, find an outdoor hobby to do together. Hiking, gardening, painting, getting a dog.

"I think both of you were bored. If you both can do it, find an outdoor hobby to do together. Hiking, gardening, painting, getting a dog."

Being bored isn't an issue. We traveled internationally often and did hiking and camping trips together. We would exercise together. I do gardening as a solo hobby. He is maybe too busy with is hobby that can be as consuming as second job. We have animals together.

Depression is a possibility for him. I have gone through cycles of grief since discovery but do not feel depressed, the anxiety is sometimes a little much.

[This message edited by cacasandwich at 12:57 PM, Tuesday, July 28th]

Anxiety causes depression. We are used to a Hollywood approach to that word. It is often there from childhood so the person has no frame of reference to what life is like without it. I consider it being much like a low grade fever from a low grade illness. It might be hidden from the sufferer because most of the time they are coping. I think that is what drives people into making stupid decisions like drinking too much, spending too much, cheating etc. I read that if you put feelings as going from one to ten, one is suicidal and ten is euphoria. Neither is sustainable. If most of us live between six and eight but have times of real joy we are doing ok. What about those living with four and five. We start looking for something to give us a glimmer of happiness. Being around someone at work who is always at their best makes them look like salvation. Hence affairs.
My wording was wrong. "Bored" is too strong, but something was enticing him. He wants happiness. He might not have the life skills internally to give it to himself. Therapy with someone whose area is anxiety/depression sounds like a smart move.
I watched an interview with an ex Navy Seal who is years away from warfare but did an excellent explanation of why it continues to be part of his psyche. He said you cannot be in combat and not be changed by it. What almost all of these vets describe is the intensity of war. Some of them actually miss being in combat because there is nothing in civilian life that intense. I bring that up because I have been studying why, with our comfortable lives, we crave danger. It is who we are. We are no different than the hunter/gatherers of our ancestors whose daily lives were full of fear. This is no excuse for his EA but it might help both of you to figure out how to get joy out of every day life.
My ridiculous suggestion is to start riding roller coasters. Those things are scary.