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I asked him if he was trying to process his feelings or if he was still intentionally holding onto them. At first his answer was "I don’t know," and then he added, "I don’t think I should be trying to let go of these feelings. I think they’re protective." So that’s where I’m coming from when I say he wanted to remain scared and angry.

I didn’t want to remain scared and angry. Living with those emotions sucked. However, I couldn't just turn them off. Processing my anger took me a long, long time. Years, Morbs. Years. And there were sooo many reasons why it took that long. I experienced some truly scary ass rage. Purging that rage, learning to dial it back, realizing how incredibly fucked-up it was to vent that rage at strangers, all took time and some deep, deep introspection (and therapy).

Fear fueled that anger. Triggers fueled it. Mind movies fueled it. Hypervigalence and hypersensitivity fueled it. Knowing how long it would take to heal fueled that anger. Nightmares, exhaustion, lingering doubts and uncertainty fueled it.

Sometimes I did want to hold onto that anger because it helped keep my guard up, to not let my wife get too close, to keep challenging her to own and fix her shit.

Being angry fueled that anger because I was so fucking tired of feeling angry all the time.

Sigh...

Dialing back that anger occurred in stages, a little bit here and there. It involved resolving issues within me one issue at a time.

Patience, Morbs. Your BH might be able to process that anger faster than me, or most BHs, or it may take longer.

There is/was also the sting of so many BS (my BH included) who will say "Why didn’t you just communicate the marital issues if you were unhappy pre-infidelity?" And it’s like a) I did, back then, and b) I’m trying to do that again now, and it’s shocking and hurtful to have gotten this whole blowout as a result of simply asking for MC…

BTDT!!! My ex-wife tried to share her feelings and thoughts and fears and all that jazz for years. Sometimes I'd try to "fix" those pre-A marital issues because that's what we men do. We're hardwired to fix things instead of simply listening and acknowledging. I tried to share my own pre-A issues, too, and no matter how I did it, my approach was always wrong, I made her feel bad, was being this, that or the other.

We had a dysfunctional marriage. And I'll be honest with you here. My ex-wife was a better spouse than I was, until she wasn't.

After d-day, every single pre-A marital issue we had became insignificant compared to the betrayal of infidelity.

Like you, my ex-wife wanted to resolve some of those pre-A marital issues. She hit a wall with those efforts. I had absolutely no interest at all. All that mattered to me was that "I will not be married to a cheater."

So... I would highly recommend that you let go of old shit and focus on the present. Slowly. Patiently. One step at a time, one day at a time.

Maybe it would be helpful to view resolving non-affair related issues as a work-in-progress, rather than something to be immediately resolved. You know changing takes time. Recognizing and adjusting our tendencies takes time and consistent effort, mindfulness, and... yep, you guessed it... patience.

Reconciliation is a marathon, not a sprint.

"I expect if H disagrees, he would speak up. Or at least he ought to. "

You might want to run this one past the committee.

I don't expect the general infidelity-related anger to dissipate quickly, but I think that is separate (definitely related, born of, but distinct from) anger from what he was feeling and holding onto when I wouldn't tell him what I wanted to go to MC for. It was a specific trigger, and it was not reality-based this time... And that's how you work through triggers, isn't it? Grab onto indicators of reality that are contrary to what the fear and the anger are telling you to believe about the situation at hand, indicators that you're not actually in danger or being treated poorly... Which is what I was trying to give him. I wasn't planning an ambush or preparing a case. I wasn't springing anything new on him. This wasn't an attack or a power play. But he didn't hear those things because he was intentionally holding onto the feelings. He said so himself... I mean, it's in the past now, so it doesn't really matter. I just wanted to clarify and express my bewilderment at their willful retention in this particular situation, because I just cannot do that myself.

He expressed tonight that he thinks there's a lot of anger under the surface. I am waiting for it to come out; I would prefer it to be released than held captive inside where it can multiply, mutate, and fester. I said maybe the MC can help us work through that, if he wants, but also he's welcome to talk to me about it any time.

I would highly recommend that you let go of old shit and focus on the present.

They are one and the same, and rather urgent. Otherwise I would wait a while longer before seeking to work on the other marital issues. But I do expect it to take time. And I hope we learn some better communication skills, and that the MC can help me identify where I might be contributing to the issues, so I can fix that... I think we can do it.

You might want to run this one past the committee.

Everything is ran past the committee before the mini-me communicates it through our external body, and it is actively, constantly analyzed for accuracy and revised even as it's being typed or spoken.

[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 5:00 AM, Tuesday, July 21st]

While we are on the subject, I have noticed that your character has changed remarkably for the better. You seem to have a genuine care for people these days. But long ago, you didn't display these traits, to put it mildly. SOOOOO, when you threatened to shut down this forum, was that due to an undue influence of a particular committee member, one that has been ostracized from the rest?

Which is what I was trying to give him. I wasn't planning an ambush or preparing a case. I wasn't springing anything new on him. This wasn't an attack or a power play. But he didn't hear those things because he was intentionally holding onto the feelings. He said so himself...

Not telling him what you want to go to MC for is a power play. You said so yourself: you wanted to prevent him from discussing it beforehand.

But you had another way to do that: you could have told him the subject of what you wanted to discuss and then just not discussed it until you were in MC.

Your words said that you weren’t planning an ambush or preparing a case, but your actions suggested you were. So he felt he had to hold on to the nervous system fear rather than let his guard down and get blindsided again.

[Edited to remove double post]

[This message edited by limerickence at 7:47 AM, Tuesday, July 21st]