SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just found out my very successful husband has been paying escorts while on business trips. He has been paying thousands of dollars for overnight girlfriend experiences. I confronted him with all the evidence , which he admitted to. However, I am sure there are many more.
He is begging me to stay married and promises he will never do it again. I don’t believe him, he has narcissistic qualities. Had anyone else ever experienced this nightmare? He controls all the finances and I can’t leave him yet. I have started therapy.
He told me to be glad it was escorts and not an emotional affair.

CFNJ,

I’m so sorry that this happened to you. Unfortunately, there are lots of women who have experienced this nightmare. Just scroll through the JFO forum and you will see…

For right now, you should:

1) take care of yourself physically. Make sure to eat and stay hydrated. Get as much exercise as you can, you’ll feel better and it will help you sleep. See a doctor if you need to for anti-anxiety, anti-depression or sleep medications.

2) get an STD test. Make your WH get one too, and make him show you (not tell you) the results.

3) see a lawyer. You aren’t doing this to initiate D, you’re doing this to understand what that process and potential outcomes look like. Start eliminating unknowns, it will help you calm down. Talk to your lawyer about getting access to the finances. Or demand access from your WH. Ask your lawyer about resources for figuring out how much he’s blown on prostitutes.

4) "Be glad it was not an emotional affair" is such a dick thing to say. He does not get it. Maybe print this out for him (without letting him know about this site, keep this your safe place): https://survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/recovery/what-every-ws-needs-to-know/. There’s a lot more great articles in the Healing Library.

Just know this: her cheating was about what is wrong with her, and not at all about what’s wrong with you. You did nothing to deserve this.

Frank gave you some great advice. I second talking to a lawyer. Again, not necessarily to immediately file for divorce, but to give you the knowledge you need to start taking your agency back and know what you're entitled to. That may include a good chunk of money spent on expensive prostitutes. He used marital funds for that. In most, if not all states you're entitled to half of the marital funds. In case of divorce there may be alimony or spousal support as well. I don't think you're as helpless as you feel (and it's understandable that you may feel that way), and talking to a lawyer will fill that in for you. Many offer free first consultations.

You're not helpless.

You're not hopeless.

You're not powerless.

You have a say.

You have some power and control over this situation. You just need to take it, and talking to a lawyer is a very good first step.

I'm so sorry you've found yourself here, but we know what you're going through and you've been heard. More will be along with more to add. Just hang in there.

[This message edited by Pogre at 11:20 PM, Monday, June 15th]

Very sorry you find yourself here! Yes, many others have experienced this type of infidelity. There is an entire thread dedicated to Emotionless Infidelity in the I Can Relate Forum. It is currently not very active but there are many similar stories. Most importantly, take care of you. Eat healthy and exercise. Do get tested for STADs. Your WH should also get tested. Read in the healing library. Your WH’s statement shows an arrogance, and disrespect for you and your wedding vows. You should be so happy he is only cheating with sex workers. You do not have to accept that crap.

Understand that you can’t control him. If he has a habit of seeing sex workers while away on business, he will find a way to continue. But you do control you. You set the boundaries you require. Investigate getting a post-nup agreement where you set the terms financially should he cheat again. See an attorney and focus on you. You have a right to know the marital financials. Good luck.

Thank you all for the advice. I really appreciate it. I am definitely calling an attorney in the morning.

Cfnj: Sorry you have to deal with this. I so agree with fareast.

Your WH’s statement shows an arrogance, and disrespect for you and your wedding vows. You should be so happy he is only cheating with sex workers. You do not have to accept that crap.

When I finally found out about the sex workers, I told him that is creepy weirdo behavior. WTF.

My advice. Get away from him. It never will get better. There is no future with that man. Start working on a plan towards your better new life without him.

He told me to be glad it was escorts and not an emotional affair.

I am not a woman, so my instinctive response might be a bit off the rails here. But this is the first thing that came to my mind:

"I am glad I discovered that I wasted my time with a revolting well dress swine. I will gladly enjoy to leave you without pants as the prostitutes did. With a twist, it will be in court, and you can fuck your self "

Hard hard hard 180.

Seriously this guy is garbage.
Have no mercy for he has none.

Unless you see him crawling back over broken glass, protect yourself lady.
And even then second guess it.

Theirs is reasonable doubt in that you might be dealing with dark triad here.

Put your self first, and in this case, leave him broke.