Peter
I hate drama. I think it seldom works. For me packing boxes is the adult version of holding your breath if mom is forcing you to eat the greens. We both know that you don’t plan on carrying this out, and that doesn’t do anything to help your situation.
I think you are making the mistake about 99% of betrayed spouses make. That’s where you might outline actions or behaviors you expect your WS to take and then sit and wait for them to do so.
You have already told her that one more infringement is the last, and yet you discover more infringements.
I’m not going to hold you to stick to your ultimatums. This scenario is precisely why I don’t think they work. Telling someone "if you do this again I will leave you. And NOW I mean it!" is weak.
What I will suggest is a slight change in attitude… A slight change in stance or power.
The change in stance I’m suggesting is this:
Rather than tell her what might happen if she does something, tell her what’s happening unless she convinces you otherwise, and then carry on doing what you say will happen. Only that "thing" that’s going to happen isn’t something as dramatic as kicking her out or packing your bags, but rather the inevitable steps necessary if a marriage is dying.
To me it’s simple, and needs an answer to two main questions:
Do I – as a husband – accept that I share my wife with someone else.
Do I want to reconcile if possible, and if yes, then does SHE want to reconcile.
Of those questions you can control the reaction to ONE of them. The first one. You can decide if you want to share your wife or not. If you are OK with that – or if losing her is immensely worse than letting her have her affair in the hope she returns… then accept it and don’t rock the boat. Maybe ask her to be discreet and use protection IF this get’s physical. It’s not great, not what I would want, but it’s something lots of people accept. Turning a blind eye to the mistress or the lover and pretending to believe your spouse is really at Bridge Club on a Friday evening with an overnight bag…
If that’s not too hot… then you really make it clear to her that although you can’t control her and won’t even try, then YOU can control what YOU accept. And that is NOT sharing her. Now – if you won’t share your partner but that same partner isn’t willing or capable of being monogamous (emotionally or physically) then what’s the inevitable outcome?
The end of the marriage.
Yes – a terrible outcome. But far from instantaneous and a long, long, step-by-step process. It’s not necessarily full of drama, but rather a realistic step-by-step process that includes a separation of expectations, roles, emotions, plans for the future and all that. With the inevitable legal process of divorce when and if it reaches that stage.
The way I describe it is this: Your journey right now shouldn’t be D or R, but to get out of infidelity. To get there you have the paths of D or R. For quite some time those paths run parallel, so it’s easy to set off on the path that’s open and clear, and then switch if the other opens up, or the one you are on closes. It’s only after quite some time – like 2-3 months – that the paths diverge, and it get’s harder to switch.
Then the second main question is relevant because no matter how much YOU want to reconcile, if she doesn’t too – and commits to it – then that path is closed no matter what you want.
In other words – rather than her having to sneak around then you let her know she’s totally free to do what she wants.
She wants her own phone plan – fine.
She wants her own password – fine.
She wants to keep in touch with OM – fine.
She wants to work "overtime" that never shows up on her payslip… fine.
Only it should be clear to her that everything of the above does not convince you the affair is ongoing – because you already assume she’s in active infidelity – but rather it does NOTHING to help you believe her when she say’s it’s over, and she’s committed to reconciling.
It’s no longer your role to prove otherwise, but her role to convince you otherwise.
Only… you are doing what you think necessary for you. Until you are convinced, she’s all on-board with reconciling the marriage you simply assume the affair is ongoing.
You start the detaching. You implement the 180. Start separating the finances. Learn what direct and implied legal commitments might be there due to the marriage and how to separate them. Decide on housing. You share with stakeholders that your marriage is crumbling because she has a lover. You stop all plans for the future.
Temporary living arrangements: Does she want to move out of the bedroom or you? Share bed but skip intimacy?
The house? Who is on the lease and is it binding for both? If so how to get out.
That trip? Ask her if the OM would buy out your part of the trip or you go alone or with a friend.
Or… if she finally commits to the marriage and can convince you that she’s being honest now… then work from that, but for now be more inclined to her still having tendencies towards the affair.
