SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello everyone at SI, I just wanted to check in and provide an update. I check in at SI from time to time, and try to reflect on the knowledge I read here.
For context, my A was 13 years ago in college, and I disclosed 9 months ago. ExH also disclosed his own infidelities, and we are divorcing.
I have continued practicing radical honesty and integrity for 9 months. I have built myself from the ground up, I have outlined my values, and every action I take is aligned with those values. I vow to myself and to others to continue living this way the best I can for the rest of my life.
I grieve my relationship. I still experience bouts of shame, bouts of extreme guilt and sadness that I hurt my ex. I will always regret my horrible choices, and I will always regret keeping the secret for so long.
I graduated the psychological trauma center after 5 months, so I am back to work full time and in therapy twice per week. Therapy is long-term focused on my core beliefs, fears, and issues from being raised in an abusive neglectful addict household.
I grieve not having a mother- I have never done that before. Another thing I buried.
ExH and I are on good terms, we maintain distance and low contact for healing. His family have been incredibly understanding, supportive, and loving.
My days are filled with work, therapy, reading self help books, listening to podcasts about infidelity and relationships and growth, knitting, and spending time with my friends and cats.
I’m trying my best to feel comfortable and satisfied with solitude. My partner’s love, affection, and support is severely missed, but I do my best to focus on the present and what I can do moving forward.
I know my situation is a bit different from most on here since I am not with my BS, so sometimes I’m not sure what to "do next". I suppose continuing to sit with discomfort and sadness and continue improving myself is all I can do.
I want to express my gratitude and love to everyone reading this- if you are here, you have experienced great pain. I send healing thoughts to you all.

I am truly sorry for you girl, I understand the pain and sympathize.

You are not the typical Wayward and your exH is not your typical BS, he brought infidelity to your relationship as well.

If this can help you gain insight, think about the kind of bond you 2 developed, because it might be a trauma bond as both of you betrayed each other, so you may carry similar issues from the past that doomed you while you were unknowingly experiencing the perfect storm (similar to the kind of relationships one develop with an AP, even if you ended up marrying).

I can wish you to succeed in working to resolve your issues and improving yourself, the kind of attachment can really change with work, and if you will develop secure attachment you will not feel the need of cheating anymore, nor choose someone who carries the same red flags.

You are still young to rebuild after you build yourself, both of you may become happier people with work (assuming he is putting in the same effort as you).

The thing you need to put attention in my opinion, is rebuilding boundaries. When you crossed a boundary is way harder to respect it in the future than when you never allowed yourself to do it.

Even once, it permanently breaks that compass. So work on creating new, ironclad boundaries that you will never cross or allow to be crossed by anyone else.

Just remember, they must not be walls, they must be a very well guarded door.

I wish you relief.

Thanks for checking back in, heartbroken. I'm on and off the site these days, so I somehow missed your introductory thread. I'm glad you struck a balance between understanding the necessity of the work while also protecting yourself from abusive behavior. That's an extremely tricky target to hit, with a lot of noise from all directions.

We've learned over time that there are many people who lurk and never post, and I'm confident your story will be valuable to quiet WS who aren't ready for the challenge of posting. Your story is proof that even on the wayward side, reconciliation is not the only form of happy ending.

Thanks for checking in. You've made so many positive changes. I urge you to celebrate that. I think being honest will payoff for you and for the people you talk with for decades. Talk about 'redeeming yourself'!

Nine months from d-day isn't a lot of time. It takes longer to heal, especially when you have hidden the guilt for as long as you did.

I'm sorry you lost your M. You've got a lot to grieve - and a lot of growth to celebrate.

Great update, heartbroken!!! I am excited for what lies ahead for you because having done this intensive work it’s going to lead you towards such a better life circumstances. May you walk in the sunshine with a bounce in your step and know you deserve lightness and joy in your heart.