SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just wondering if anyone here has experience of Terry Real's Relational Life Therapy approach in the context of trying to reconcile after infidelity? There are therapists trained in his approach as well as resources on his website and many podcasts etc..

We've had two MC's since my husband's long term Emotional affair came to light, neither very helpful. I'm not sure I have energy or hope left for a 3rd try, so just wondering if this is worth a go. Terry Real's approach seems to offer the potential of a more direct and challenging encounter than the classic listening / let's focus on the present / looking to blame the marriage before the affair.

Be grateful to hear from anyone who has experience with this approach. Thanks so much.

No experience with this but wondering what has failed with your prior experiences with professional counseling.

IMO, he may be able to help your H, but I'm not excited about CC.

Your H failed. You didn't. Your M didn't. CC treats your relationship, which didn't fail. It's your H who is in the most urgent need of help.

What are your requirements for R? You've got some, even if you're not aware of them. My reco is to get them to the surface and discuss them with your H. If he wants to sign up, but doesn't think he can meet them, IC with a TR or a good student of TR may be very helpful.

I'm very sorry you're hurting so much. The problem is that you can't make your H change. He has to want to change, and even then, change is difficult. But IC focuses on him, and IC with a good C is the best way for him to get the kind of help he needs to satisfy you.

Thanks to you both for responses. I appreciate it.

What failed - the first therapist did have some useful advice for us. Introduced us to the Enneagra. She was quite direct. Telling me in an individual session that my H is ‘emotionally unavailable’. But her advice was that as it was down to me to do everything, not to expect anything from him. And if that’s didn’t work, then leave. She recommended me a book called The Surrendered Wife… I was horrified. It puts all the onus on the wife to be smiley and loving and never raise complaints. Not only did I think I’d never pull that off… I am fundamentally opposed to feeling it’s all my job, especially after H had an affair.

Second therapist did a lot of listening and reflecting back. It was a much safer space. But between sessions it didn’t lead to action or change. It seemed like it would just go on for ever and I guess I didn’t feel it really held him to account.

I have suggested IC to my H and so far he’s not been willing. Thinks he won’t know what to say. His pref is for CC.

The longer the lack of repair goes on the more I am struggling and feeling like I am now the problem. I am not my best self and increasingly fantasise about leaving. But I don’t really want to.

I think my req for reconciliation are that he understand what he has done, fully, deeply. Not minimise it, not ignore it, not carry on as if nothing has happened. He says I’m focussed only on the negative. To an extent that is true.

TR seems to say his therapists ‘take sides’ - I feel I need that kind of back up rather than a neutral person who treats the problem as 50/50.

If I may ask, you say

"I think my req for reconciliation are that he understand what he has done, fully, deeply. Not minimise it, not ignore it, not carry on as if nothing has happened"

What is your expectation from him when he does understand? What behaviour or actions etc. Will be sufficiant?

Hi Ragab
Thanks for your prompt to think more specifically about that.

I suppose I know it when it doesn't happen - e.g. forgetting it's DDay (i've told him it matters to me), not telling me straight away when the AP has been in touch (that's an explicit agreement), not making much effort on days like Valentines Day (he sent AP a poem from our wedding on V Day ... so there's hurt there to take care of).

I guess it's actions not words that i need. I've too many experiences of hearing the right words... thinking my wishes are understood... but that understanding then not translating into behaviour that matches that understanding. Leaves me feeling I'm still not sure where I stand.

What would show me
- him remembering and taking care of the things that hurt as a result of the affair.
- him following through on agreements we have made about how we go forwards e.g informing me of any contact from the AP
- him taking initiative to put positive things in place for us now e.g. ideas for things to do together. I've suggested things and in the past it was always a no. Now it's a yes in the conversation but with no follow through to action yet.

Does that sound reasonable?

But her advice was that as it was down to me to do everything, not to expect anything from him. And if that’s didn’t work, then leave.

That looks like good counsel.

I suggest looking at https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/598080/the-simplified-180/. It may help you figure out what to do.

takingupspace

yes I think it is more than reasonable. I am experiencing a problem where I think my H expect me to know what he expect, when I don't do or say as expected, then he is disappointed but I am not sure he actually know what he expect. So, your share is also helping me.

Our couples therapist comes from this school of thought...during our sessions, she almost always points out that R depends on re-establishing our "team", that R is a mutual project where any approach that is about ME (wanting to be be proved "right", etc) not about US. Terry Reals' approach is all about learning to talk to get to US....anyway, it's been a great help in teaching us to talk to each other in ways that are trust building and empathetic.

Here's what I found about Terry Reals' technique"...

Five Losing Strategies & Five Winning Strategies – by Terry Real
Adapted from "The New Rules of Marriage" by Vivian Baruch M.Couns
When you’re talking to your partner and your emotions start to escalate, one of the
most important questions to ask yourself is "Which part of me is talking?"
Is it the mature, present-based, functional adult part (associated with thinking &
planning) which wants a solution? Or is the immature, reactive child part (associated
with the emotional brain)? If it’s the second part, we want be proven right, control
our partner, vent frustration or anger, or lead with contempt and self-righteousness?
These are the losing strategies of our "first consciousness".
The kindest and most respectful thing you can do for yourself and your partner is to
learn to recognize when you’re in a reactive (immature child) state of mind and Stop,
Breathe, Think & Choose. This is called practicing Relational Mindfulness. This daily
practice builds "second consciousness", a consciously learnt adult response to dealing
with relationships. It is practicing relational mindfulness.
Practicing Relational Mindfulness means you stop and think. Before you say or do
anything, ask yourself "Am I remembering that I love this person? Is the reason I’m
speaking to make things better?" or "How will this affect my partner?" This is how you
can access the five winning strategies in a state of relational mindfulness.
Five Losing Strategies:
1. Being Right
a) Arguing about whose view is more accurate
b) Fuels self-righteous indignation
2. Controlling Your Partner
a) Can be direct or indirect manipulation
b) No-one likes being controlled. It leads to retaliation & payback
3. Unbridled Self-expression
a) Saying whatever is on your mind with no kindness or respect
4. Retaliation
a) Offending from the victim position
b) I’ll make you feel what I feel
c) Can be overt or covert (passive aggressive)
5. Withdrawal
a) This is different from taking a responsible time-out or responsible distance
taking
b) Comes from resignation or retaliation.
Page 2 of 2
Five Winning Strategies:
1. Shift from Complaint to Request
a) Learn how to speak and ask for what you want
b) Make your requests specific, behavioural & reasonable.
2. Speak to Repair with Love & Respect
a) Contract with your partner to engage in a 10 minute dialogue or repair
conversation
b) Remember love
c) Use the 4 steps of the feedback wheel
1. What I saw & heard
2. What I made up about it
3. How I feel about it
4. What I’d like
d) Let go of the outcome.
3. Listen With Compassion
a) Listen to understand – you don’t have to agree
b) Ackn

TakingupSpace, I can’t quite read the tone of the therapist so it could be both terrible or extremely good advice.

The thing is if it’s about rebuilding you, then the key is positive.

Our relationship is over the moment our partner betrays us.
We lose ourselves to the point of wondering what can we do to fix, how can we change.

The truth is nothing.
Relationship is dead, it was "me and you " and our partner made it "them and someone else " .

There’s no coming back from that. There’s nothing you could have done. There’s nothing you can do.

To fix it. Because is too late.

Simple.

What can be done?
Build something new. If the partner regrets what they destroyed. If they move mountains.
Then maybe build a new relationship becomes possible, not certain, but feasible.

This brings us to the only thing we can truly change. Mindset.

We are the prize that someone must deserve, not the second choice, not the participation ribbon, not unworthy.

So focusing only on you it’s the best advice possible.

Never give a fuck about what the cheater feels or think about you reclaiming your agency and value. If they truly are reformed or reforming that should be what they want for you to heal anyway (wether you stay or you leave)

And that’s an example a reformed wayward would follow for themselves, to heal and become worthy of a second chance.

The biggest gift a partner could ever receive, because nobody deserves a second opportunity after betrayal