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So last year WS made an absolute mess of our lives he had a full blown affair with a girl 14 years younger than him moved in with her and her parents for a few weeks then came back home.

Since he’s been back (3 months) he kept in contact with her that I know of till around 2 months ago. He left the company they worked for and works elsewhere. I’m pretty certain he’s not in contact anymore.

He’s trying to rug sweep everything. But his moods so low I’m not sure if he’s depressed or having a midlife crisis. He hates his new job keeps on about how he has nothing. He was a gym guy really attractive and since hasn’t been in the gym he’s really let himself go.

We had a big family young, he provides well, we are not rich or poor but are in a good position, we have debt like a lot of people that could easily be cleared off in 2-3 years max. but has now said he regrets having so many kids not our actual kids he loves them but wishes he had planned his future properly out.

I’m at fault for his affair because he didn’t feel I appreciated him, that’s basically what he thinks. I’ve really tried with him the last few weeks but I’m just not getting anything in return from him. He keeps saying to just let him get on with it and it will fall into place.

I’m not sure if he’s having some kind of midlife crisis or he’s depressed? Is this a result of the affair he had?

Any experience? I’m at my wits end with him now I’m ready to walk out but am still concerned for his mental health

I've read your other threads and your husband is not a safe partner. I think he's just going to continue to manipulate you for as long as you continue to let him.

I’m at fault for his affair because he didn’t feel I appreciated him, that’s basically what he thinks.

Nuh-uh. No. Nope. Things like this are why I say he's not a safe partner. He's at fault for the affair. Did you put a gun to his head and tell him he has no other choice but to sleep with a co worker? You need to stop worrying about his feelings and start focusing on you and your kids. Speaking of which...

he regrets having so many kids

Seriously? It sounds to me like he wants to blame everyone but himself for his problems (or what he perceives as problems. Your kids are not a "problem.").

ETA: I stopped typing because I'm on the verge of using a 2×4, but I also understand the pain and frustration you're feeling right now, so I'll not do that. That said, you need to stop enabling his behavior. What he did was unforgivable, and he went above and beyond to include so many aggravating factors.

It frustrates me to read the things he's said and done to you. That frustration is because I care. I care about you and what he's put you through. I think you need to pull a hard 180 and file for divorce.

[This message edited by Pogre at 11:44 AM, Thursday, January 22nd]

Missmee,

Pogre told already what you need to hear.

I can only add this:

Believe this is the overwhelming majority of, if not the totality of the betrayals.
The wayward partner always blames the betrayed partner for his/her choices.

And while we may have had issues within the relationship and you can believe it caused some trigger into the wayward partner, we didn’t choose the betrayal, we still chose them and to work out the issues.

They did not choose their partner, they choose validation and sex from another person.

Because in the end, you didn’t have a choice at all, your partner took it away from you, and now blames you for their choices that destroyed your life

Missmee,

My guess is that he’s missing her, and his other life.

He’s still in limerance, the affair fog, whatever.

He’ll get over that, eventually.

Sucks, I know.

Best wishes.

Nothing he did is in any way your fault or responsibility. We are all the only ones responsibility for our behavior.

You need to set very clear and firm boundaries. Refuse to entertain the idea that any of his choices and actions are your fault. Tell him exactly what you need for reconciliation, if that is what you want. Then, grey rock until he gets it together.

I would give him a time limit. He needs to be NC with the OW and anyone associated with her. He needs to get into IC. He needs to take full responsibility.

Have you read, "How to help your spouse recover from your affair"? (I think that's the full correct title.) It's in the resources on this site. You and he need to both read and implement it.

Missmee,

I agree with Pogre and other posters. All great advice and the right perspective.

I was in your shoes when my H ended his last affair (for a few weeks). He was MISERABLE to be around. He blamed me for everything and like an absolute idiot, I allowed him to manipulate me.

Basically he had me auditioning for the role of his wife. Comparing me to the OW. I had major stress knowing how his mind worked and thinking am I funny enough? Interesting enough? How do I measure up?

It was horrible. I was trying to be the one who lifted his mood (because he was miserable after losing her) and while also being blamed for everything.

Lesson learned. A few months later (when his affair resumed and I found out) I stopped being his support system. He got nothing from me.

I no longer cared what he thought b/c I planned to D him.

In your case, your husband is having an emotional crisis b/c he misses the OW and really wants to be with her. He resents where he is now b/c in his mind, you & kids are standing in the way of HIS happiness.

Let him suffer. That is all you can do. Start the 180 and emotionally detaching from him. You need to protect yourself. And he’s not the guy you married — he’s now morphed into someone you hardly recognize and you really have nothing to work with here.

He’s not safe. He’s not looking to R. He’s looking to continue to blame you and torture you with his lies and finger pointing.

Sadly he’s with you for very selfish reasons.

And when you turn your back on him, it will show him that you are not going to accept his lies and cheating and disrespect. That is what the 180 does. It sets a boundary.

I hope this helps you.