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Yesterday he was so incredibly cruel. Came to spend 1 whole hour out of his day off with his kids who have now begun to resent him. I tried to reason with him which was stupid and tell him his family needs him to get help and come home. To stop this stupid destructive path he is on. Putting his relationship with the affair partner as priority both financially and physically when it comes to the kids. The kids and I are being careful of every dollar we spend right now because we will soon have legal fees. (Money is all still joint currently) while he complains I haven't found a job yet (I was just laid off weeks ago from my store closing) and said I contribute nothing and he is worried about finances while he and her constantly eat out with him paying. He clearly isnt that worried about money. Well he got very nasty after my conversation asking him to get help and come home. He started accusing me of being the toxic one because I have leaned on family snd friends and have told them things he has said or done like the cheating. Sauing im toxic and turn everyone against him. When im simply looking for support. This is usually my own family I lean on. Says "I dont want to be with someone like that anymore" mind you when I found out the first time he cheated he refused to speak to me about it and told me if I brought it up he would leave as he wasnt living his life reminded of what he did. Well you can guess how that went. Wanting me to heal in silence with no help or support. Then finding out it neber stopped rather it escalated. He then told me if I got help for a solid year he would think about a second chance but not guarantee. So essentially im the one who needs to get help but he doesnt for his lying and cheating and the way he treats his family. Then he accused me of only wanting him back for financial reasons. 10000% not the case. I married this man when i had more money than he did. I wanted our famiky and my marriage back, thats it. If i wanted financial id go hunt oir a rich man. My soon to be ex isnt rich by any means. We simply got by. He said the kids will grow up one day and realize I was the problem. For what though? Trying to hold my family together? Trying to fight for us? Alone? For forgiving some heinous behavior on his part? The thing is our kids are 16, 15 and 12. They arent babies and are nearly grown as it is and see him as the problem. But something shifted in that conversation and it took away those feelings of longing and missing him. I pray this is permanent and those feelings dont return.

something shifted in that conversation and it took away those feelings of longing and missing him. I pray this is permanent and those feelings dont return.

Good! He is the toxic one. He's deflecting so he doesn't have to take responsibility and continue to feel ok about himself. You're kids will figure things out (as it seems they have) without you doing or saying anything.

You might benefit from IC to help you and your kids recover from this trauma.

But something shifted in that conversation and it took away those feelings of longing and missing him. I pray this is permanent and those feelings dont return.

Good, you will heal.

He will not. He will get it all back, be sure of it.

Your kids, they already know who was the adult in your family, and one day he will realize no matter his denial, this is how things are.

You carried the wound for love and loyal commitment. Now you will not have that burden to carry alone and you can live for fulfillment instead of humiliation.

In my experience, after that snap, there might be lingering feelings of loss and even love if he's being extra nice, but it's the beginning of the end. The real feelings never come back, and the stuff left behind gradually dwindles to night.

Him accusing you of being toxic or coming after him is classic DARVO (Deny, Attack, & Reverse Victim & Offender) behavior. Many abusive people use this method, sometimes unconsciously, as a way to make you feel bad yourself and/or to make you feel sorry for them. It deflects the responsibility for their actions onto you.

I hope you stop asking him for home or to come home and start taking action to interview lawyers and figure out a divorce plan.

I'm sorry, but he is a piece of crap. When someone acts like a piece of crap you don't have to do anything to turn people against them. They do that on their own. You do not have to suffer in silence without support, which is what he seems to expect.

I don't see that you have anything to work with at all right now. Stay the course, find a good lawyer, and stick to your guns. It's time for a hard 180 or even gray rock. I'm so sorry you have to deal with such a despicable situation. This is not in any way your fault.