SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My WW brought up her rings.

I asked, "The rings that were up against his dick when you had it in your hand? The setting you kept turned the right way so as not to discomfort him?"

She hasn’t mentioned them again. I haven’t seen them in years.

A few years ago, I talked to her about new rings. I know she’d like to have something nice. But it was a mistake. I couldn’t go through with it. It would have sent the wrong message.

Antone

I notice mentions of being away partying, being out of contact, coke-use and drinking.
I think addiction/alcoholism might be an issue. I might be off – but it’s something you should consider.

Don’t fall into the trap of thinking alcoholics drink every day, all day, or that addicts are shooting up heroin at public toilets. One definition of an addiction is simply when you use (your drug/substance/booze) despite knowing it will have adverse effects on your environment.
Like... My wife’s best friend would only drink 3-4 times a year, but the odds were even that when she drank, she would continue drinking to a stupor, and wake up in some strange man’s bed... somebody that was not her husband. She stopped drinking and has remained sober for several decades now.

The issue is that non-treated addictions tend to escalate, and it could be that your WW addiction is escalating. That weekend with OM might have been about as much about the "freedom" to snort and drink as about whatever emotions or sex might have taken place.

There is also the possibility that her anger towards you is a defense mechanism to defend her use (consumption of booze and coke). Look up codependency and addictions, and you will see that addicts seem to develop a doctorate in getting family members under control and codependent.

I have this theory – based on my real-life experience and my online experience here – that an addict/alcoholic will prioritize his buzz over EVERYTHING. As a cop I got calls from daycare centers where parents were picking up the kids while in a drunken stupor; I entered homes where the kitchen was bare of all food, but there were a couple of newly purchased vodka bottles; no water, not power but plenty of warm beer...
As far as infidelity and addiction goes, I have seen instances here where the WS will start a fight to either get the opportunity to go on a binge, or to divert from the addiction to the "less important" (for them) aspect of the affair.
In fact – I think that a relationship dealing with both infidelity AND addiction can’t expect any firm result regarding the infidelity UNTIL the addiction issue is being handled. After all – if her world made her choose getting her fix at the cost of getting you angry... she would choose the fix every time.

Antone – I don’t want to sound like some prude and believe me – I do have an active social life that regularly includes drinks and even the occasional dancing. But my social life NOW is completely different from when I was 45, and that was completely different from when I was 25. IMHO it’s not "normal" or "expected" for a couple with kids (even a combined family like yours) to be out partying as two individuals week after week.

There is a relatively simple test that can give a good indication of if there is some addiction in this scenario: Suggest you both do a 30 day sobriety period. If you can both (well... maybe especially she) can stick to that then I’m off in my analysis.

I don’t really have any advice as very new to this myself, but did want to message as your story is not dissimilar to mine and I really hope we both find peace in our paths forward.

On the addiction side, I would just echo comments that alcoholism/addiction shows up in many, many ways. This has been one of my biggest lessons so far.

Maybe try this, give her her ring and yours. That will send a pretty good message how you currently feel about the state of the relationship. Tell her she can do whatever she wants with them and then walk away. Let her come to you and if she does and you want to talk about it then do so, if you don't want to talk about it then don't, and if she says nothing then you have an idea where you stand. This may help you take back your power in the relationship

Hi Everyone,

I apologize for the lack of responding. Amongst reading all of your replies multiple times, listening to podcasts, discussing with her... I have also taken time for myself to do some deer hunting. Firearm season opened up here in Michigan this past Saturday. Being in the woods alone with nature is my most serene time.

As I have sat in the woods I felt the emotions that come with the cheating, I've reflected, turned to faith, appreciated what I have and have control over. The thing that has changed the most since DD is I'm starting to feel better about myself. I find that comforting. I don't have to be back to work until the 24th so I'm really taking this time for me.

I don't have a decision yet on anything regarding this. I have searched high and low for a counselor that specializes in this and found one to start with at least. I have a consultation call on Wednesday and I'm looking forward to that.

WW is doing her own work right and I'm just watching from the cheap seats right now. I have not cut off communication with her at all, but My focus is me. I can't fix her.

Thank you all again and please keep responding. As you all know it certainly helps out.

Antone, I'm really glad that you are feeling better about yourself! That's such a big hurdle for many people, and I do think that being in nature is very grounding and healing. Her behavior affects you obviously as it is destructive to the relationship in many ways....but it's not ABOUT you. These are her choices, her behaviors, you didn't create this, bring it about, encourage it, you're just being you and you sound like a pretty cool guy to me. She has made bad choices and chosen bad behaviors because....for whatever reasons....that is what she wanted to do. You didn't create, engineer or support that, you are not fostering it - you are an innocent victim of this. You're YOU, and whether you stay or walk away, you'll still be carrying yourself around. My concern about staying with someone who has made the choices your wife has and whose behavior tends to have a high recidivism rate, is that it may start eroding you and your confidence and your way to be successful and happy in life.

DON'T give that up for other people. Maybe for a child, but don't stay in a situation for someone else. They are often not grateful, not over the long haul, and they will often drag you down with them. I try to tell people, who often don't listen, LOL, it's like being in an airplane that may go down - put on your own mask first and take care of yourself. If you don't do that first, as selfish as it may sound on the surface, you won't be able to help others, especially any little ones around you if you don't take care of yourself first. Having a stable, mature, responsible Dad around is....gold. Many people never have that and they miss it all their lives. Take care of yourself first, your kids second, anyone else who is vulnerable and needs you like elderly parents third, and your wife last. You don't owe your life or independence or kindness to anyone except those who cannot take care of themselves, and that's mainly your kids. Don't give up yourself or shortchange yourself or take less for another adult who simply wants to make bad, reckless, selfish decisions. I speak, of course, from experience.

Enjoy your precious time in nature!!! And do try to go back into it when you can.

[This message edited by BondJaneBond at 7:18 PM, Monday, November 17th]

Anther thing that occurs to me, Antone, because I DO have a lot of personal experience, unfortunately, with drunks and addicts. Personally I would not want to waste my time with them as an individual (as opposed to "society") unless it was my child because...children occupy a special place, of course. But I have found with substance abusers that - unless they have become addicted because of a medical reason like pain killers - they do it because they want to do it. THEY ENJOY IT. They enjoy the sensations, they enjoy the freedom, freedom from responsibility, freedom to enjoy other experiences, some of them romanticize it or glorify it in their minds. They often love and hate it. But I have often see RESENTMENT against those who would "spoil their fun" and keep them from this alternate life they experience, but trying to get them to stop drugs/drink and be sober. Many people really DON'T WANT TO BE SOBER....and you will be seen, as many are, as a jailer or warden who is enforcing behavior ON THEM. A person has to choose to be sober ON THEIR OWN, for their own purposes. That it is more important and fulfilling to have a sober life than whatever they obtain from these substances and many people reach that point late in addiction, if at all. There is certainly a physical aspect to addiction that is hard to overcome, after a certain amount of usage over time, but the hardest element is mental. I think, based on what I've seen personally, that if most people could put off or eliminate really bad physical effects....they'd just keep using till they die. Your wife seems like a very selfish, immature person to me, and I don't know if she would willingly give that up because she enjoys it. That's the secret so many keep about addiction - I think most addicts enjoy it. So be wary going forward and don't trust what she says or says she will do. If you decide to try to rebuild your marriage, keep your eyes open.

Thank you Jane. That a very mind opening perspective about the abuse / addiction.

Hey folks,

I've asked every question I can think of to date. She's answered them all, as intense and detailed as I asked to hear them. And I asked for a lot of details. She answered them all and owned it as a one night stand. It truly makes sense on the timeline. Still unacceptable. A great majority of me believes that's what it was. It did not happen because of me but because of her spiraling out of control of herself.

I've asked numerous follow up questions and she answers them all. Not every answer was fully forthcoming without me pressing but it did come out of her to satisfy my questions.

This is betrayal trauma at its finest and I can't help but still feel unsafe in believing what she's going to do in HER recovery. A part of me feels like I'm wasting my time. However, where do I currently have to go otherwise right now? I'm reminding myself to be patient in the grand scheme. She has not touched alcohol, or drugs, since discovery weekend. It just hasn't been possible and I KNOW when she's influenced. She says she was completely stupid for how she reacted on DD. Owns that she fucked up very, very badly in her words regarding the affair. All possible lip service though, right? Have to play this on the side of defense.

She left voicemails for two different counselors today. That's good, but that's good for HER.

I told her today that I am struggling and her reply was, "That's ok, I am here for you." I expressed the questions I had (probably for a 2nd or 3rd time now) and she answered without contempt. That felt good. Yet I'm still guarded.

In the past, her ways of dealing with hard situations is to sweep under the rug and that's what I fear happening here again, eventually. TBD.

As far as I thought I have come in my earlier post today, I am in a rut. I feel the need to ask her if she fully accepts this was her choice and fault. If this, or something else (I don't know what), was what would have happened regardless because of her own issues. I will be asking her that tomorrow.

I know my current path. I am content with that. I'm not the type of guy to waste mine or anyone else's time. However, I want hers to go faster in regards to get herself help. She is a very busy individual in her line of work as a nurse. Also caring for her Grandmother and a paraplegic as a side job. I'm proud of her for the extra care she gives others. Selfishly I want to see that same type of care towards us. I'm not going to push that but instead see what her actions will be.

I fully realize I am making this post about her, yet it is helping me by typing it out instead of rolling it in my head.

I've basically journaled my thoughts tonight. I appreciate you reading.

God bless you all.