SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know something isn't right with my husband. He was not like this when I married him 20 years ago, or when I started dating him nearly 28 years ago. He's the one that cheated. I found out almost a year ago, but then found out the truth/details very recently. I think in his head he thinks I am going to do the same in return, so now I must literally 'act' like the perfect wife when he is around, otherwise he completely loses his mind. I'm not allowed to go for a walk around the block without him following me. I never held a job outside the home, so he has that over me as well, and I don't drive. He never saw the need for me to have to drive and I never really thought about it. He said it would only cause our insurance to go up. So I left it alone. I never thought he would cheat, but now I'm stuck. None of the credit cards or bank cards are in my name either. So you see, I trusted him SO much!

As long as I'm the 'perfect wife' and don't make waves he is perfectly okay, but if I stray away even just a little he freaks out. If I'm looking at my phone it must mean I'm cheating in his eyes. If I want to be alone, it must mean I want to talk to another guy in private, according to him. And If I want to go for a walk around the block alone, it must mean I'm meeting up with someone else behind his back.

He was not like this until he cheated on me. I don't know how to handle all this, and as you can see, leaving isn't even an option. Plus he moved me away from my family years ago. So I really have no one, and even if I were to reach out to my family, none of them can be trusted. I don't know where to go or what to do.

He was on the phone with his parents earlier today, lying to them and telling them I had been seeing someone else. I can hear them getting upset on the phone and yelling (at me), meanwhile he stood there looking at me with a smirk on his face. What am I married to?
If he wasn't this way I would have wanted to try and make things work with him, but I know I will never trust him again, and every time I try to have confidence in his ability to do the right thing, he goes and does the complete opposite.

Leaving this nightmare of a marriage SHOULD be an option. You may not realize that you are living in a toxic abusive marriage.

There are domestic violence hotlines you can call for help. If you live in the US I urge you to call and get some advice.

You cannot live under these conditions. He sounds like he is becoming unglued and projecting his views and behavior into you. Telling his parents you were cheating is a very clear warning sign that he is looking to blame you for his problems.

The fact you cannot walk around the block w/out him is a sign of abuse.

Please make that call ASAP.

Please listen to The1stWife. You are living in an abusive, controlling situation. You’ve been living like that for so long, you don’t even notice so much that others, even strangers on the internet can see.

You say that he wasn’t always like this, but then you describe point by point how he has controlled and narrowed your life options so that you don’t have work experience, don’t have financial access, and can’t take a walk around the block. Only that last part is recent, you say, but all of these other huge limitations along with moving you away from your family have been about him being in COMPLETE control of you.

And now, he was caught in a very unhealthy fixation with a woman at work, and he has LOST control. He almost got fired. He forced her to leave her job. His facade of control has slipped, and he’s looking to reestablish it somewhere. And you, the commodity/resource that he has always had complete control over, are rebelling suddenly because of the affair.

Believe me, I know what it is like to suddenly realize that you’ve only ever been seen as a convenient, useful possession by your spouse. I too thought that he had changed dramatically, but as time went by, I began to see things much more clearly. My WH was always insecure. He needed to be in the driver’s seat, but he was smart enough to fake it and let me think i had some power. When I started looking back, he always got his way—he just somehow convinced me that I had made the decision. He was able to lie without blinking and did so whenever telling the truth might produce inconvenience or cause me to argue with what he wanted to do (including have an affair).

I did not realize any of that until some time had passed from dday and I was able to think more clearly and look back with a less in-love view of our reality.

What he is doing now is trying to deflect away from what he has done. He’s desperately trying to pin some transgression on you so that he won’t look so bad. Don’t put up with it for a second.

And DON’T let his parents continue thinking that you are the unfaithful one. You are alone there. All you need is for he and his family to start punishing you until you start to wonder if you have actually done something wrong. That’s what he’s aiming for: he’s building a team to wear you down and shame you.

This situation is at the very least emotionally, psychologically dangerous to you. It is also financially and emotionally abusive. He sounds like he must have control, so he may be very unpredictable if he begins to feel that he’s losing control of you completely.

Please proceed with caution. Seek support from professionals who understand abuse better than you do.

Keep reminding yourself that this is NOT the person you thought you knew. You don’t at all know who he is and what he’s capable of at this point.

Saying that your husband "cheated" is minimizing what he did. Your husband stalked, harassed, and nearly assaulted a woman in his workplace over the course of 2 years. There was no "affair" except in his head.

You need to acknowledge the fact that your husband is unwell and he’s not safe.

You say that he wasn’t always like this— except that he was. Not letting you get a driver’s license, access to money, or credit cards in your name is abusive. He probably convinced you that he was taking care of you and freeing your mind from worries, but now you know that was all a lie.

The only reason you ever thought your relationship was "normal" was because you met him when you were young and don’t have any basis for comparison.

SI is a great place to come to for advice and we have helped people who have experienced DV, but you really need to contact a lawyer and the police if necessary to get out of your situation. You should also look for forum where you can get advice from other women who have escaped DV.

You have a young teenage daughter. Do you want her to think this relationship is normal? Do you want her to be in a relationship like yours?

I cannot stress this enough… you are not trying to "survive infidelity." You need to escape from a very sick and dangerous man.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 12:14 PM, Wednesday, October 8th]

If I list the actions he (seems) to have shown – solely based on what you share:
An infatuation with a female coworker.
A misunderstanding of her reactions and social interactions to think it was mutual.
A continuation once she made clear she had no interest that could probably be considered stalking/harassing.
A situation that escalates to where she feels safest by quitting her job and management sees a need to step in with a very long suspension.
A reaction that (to me) doesn’t indicate that he’s over her, but maybe transferred the emotions to a negative stance.
Controlling behaviors towards you.
Paranoia as shown towards your daughter and her phone, towards you as insisting you are having an affair.
A disconnection with reality and reactions.

Friend – I think he might be experiencing some mental illness. Something beyond the trauma of infidelity or the crisis of a job-threat. Something like BPD or schizophrenia or in that vein. I am not in any way qualified to make such a diagnosis and these are just suggestions based on common knowledge, but I am fairly certain this is not something that MC helps with and strongly suggest you guide him to a medical professional.

As long as I'm the 'perfect wife' and don't make waves he is perfectly okay, but if I stray away even just a little he freaks out.

This is classic abusive behavior. Please seek outside help, TwistedandConfused, and protect yourself and your daughter from him.

You say you cannot trust any of your family. Is that because of something you did, something they did, or something he did? What are you afraid your family will do if you reach out to them for help in this situation?

Here's some relevant information from the Illinois Valley Safe House Alliance:

Emotional abuse includes non-physical behaviors such as threats, insults, constant monitoring or "checking in," excessive texting, humiliation, intimidation, isolation or stalking.

If your partner is using emotional abuse to control what you do, where you go, who you see, what you wear, or any other aspect of your life, you may be a victim of domestic violence. Domestic violence does not always need to be physical abuse. If the person who is abusing you has gained control through tactics other than beatings, it has the same intended effect, power over you.

Whatever might be wrong with him to make him behave, your top priority must be the safety of your daughter and yourself. Please reach out to a local domestic violence center and ask for help. You say you cannot leave him - they will help you and your daughter safely leave him. It will be a big scary step to take. If you're afraid it will make him angry, that's a huge red flag and another sign that you are not safe. Take care!

Whatever might be wrong with him to make him behave, your top priority must be the safety of your daughter and yourself.

So true.
I enourage you to do some googling on how family of origin impacts the selection of a partner. Especially for girls. The old adage about boys trying to find a partner that’s like their mom – holds a lot of truth but even more so for girls and their dads. They way she sees him treat you becomes what she expects/accepts from her future partner.
Of course this can also turn into it’s opposite: A powerful individual might see how their parent is treated by their partner and seek the opposite. But most tend to seek something that to them is "normal" and "home".

I take it that other than these last years the marriage has been fine. That this present behavior is out of character. I can understand that you are reluctant to end this marriage.

However... There needs to be change. With no action then he will control that change, and it’s likely to be deeper into control and abuse. With action you might be able to impact the change. If I’m correct, then the correct therapy and medication can do a lot.

I suggest you set yourself a hard deadline. Like no longer than 90 days (MAX!). That’s the time you give your family to see changes. If he has entered therapy, analysis or is taking medication or whatever then you can decide on deadline day if you are moving forwards as a family with him or without. If he’s still stuck in his present behavior then you might have to prioritize your family – only he’s no longer in it.

I lived in this kind of relationship for three years.

It began with him being vigilant over me. He only wanted me out with him, nobody else. He was allowed to hang out with "the boys" anytime, but I was not allowed to do anything with anyone else.

It progressed to him controlling what I wore.

Then to who I talked to in general.

Then it progressed to physical violence. At first it was "just a slap". Then it was full beatings. Then he threw me out of a moving car.

I went back, believing I had no one else to look to for help.

He then beat me badly in public. Not one person tried to stop him. Not one.

The police came, and put me in protective custody for the night. He had run off, so they couldn’t find him.

I was never given the chance to press charges, but at the time I would have blamed myself. How do I know?

Because the next day I went and apologized to him for his "having to beat me in public". I bought all of his gaslighting - I had nobody else to help, nobody cared, I was worthless… I bought all of it.

He had caused a lot of damage. I had a cut cheek, a black eye, bruises on my neck and body, and a huge bruise on my crotch where he kicked me with his mountain boots on.

And I APOLOGIZED TO HIM.

I had never cheated on him, but he cheated on me. (He married his AP later.)

But fate had intervened the next day. I met my husband and we fell for one another instantly. I broke up with my abusive partner.

That abusive man stalked me. He came to my house in the night and drove circles across the lawn, multiple times. He reported me to the police "tip line" saying I had burglarized an apartment building under construction (he worked there I found out later). The sheriff came and searched my tiny RV for sofas and chairs I had supposedly stolen. The deputy laughed because he knew when he arrived that there was no way I had anything to do with it.

He threatened me repeatedly.

He became obsessed, and the only way it stopped was when my husband went to his house and confronted him there. He was afraid to come outside (probably a good decision on his part). After that, he went on with his life.

I was wrong thinking I had nowhere to go. And in the USA, money in his accounts also belongs to you in most states. You can go to a women’s shelter, a friend, someone.

I would be willing to help you, and I don’t even know you. Help is out there.

5Decades;
As a former cop who got specialized training in domestic abuse and after leaving that career volunteered at a home for battered and abused women I congratulate you on your courage in sharing your story.

Well done for getting out and for recognizing how you got into that situation and how you got out! Please share your experience with others that need the hope they might find in your success.