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That sounds like a wise course of action (working with the psychiatrist safely on this). Your condition (presumably OCD?) is best untangled from the subject of infidelity wherever possible. The condition is one where intrusive thoughts keep the nervous system on high alert and where the mind goes round in circles trying to make meaning out of the intrusive thoughts. One of the worst things one can do is constantly ‘appease’ the thoughts as it simply teaches the nervous system that there is indeed something to be hyperaroused about and so it continues to be on high alert - hence the gold standard treatment being exposure therapy to work on retraining the nervous system and expanding the window of tolerance. It’s a difficult condition and I’m very sorry you have it, it’s very exhausting and confusing. I do encourage you to try to separate the condition from the infidelity matter if you can as that will help you treat it. The condition will never be ultimately be satisfied with the answers (regardless of veracity) except in the immediate and short term as its function is to keep you safe (on high alert) by constantly sending intrusive thoughts, so you will constantly seek new answers. The treatment is to help you tolerate the thoughts, thereby not pay them undue attention so they then [feel safe to] subside. There is likely the additional factor of PTSD here working in tandem with OCD. Here narrative exposure (‘the truth’ about the infidelity) could be beneficial in helping you process any underlying trauma, as well as help you feel more safe generally, but this is absolutely best done with a professional to minimise the risk of re-traumatisation (and re-triggering and exacerbating OCD symptoms) - hence working with the psychiatrist is a good strategy as they can help you build coping strategies and safety brakes against re-traumatisation and begin to calm your system (and psyche down) and thereby reduce the reoccurrence of intrusive thoughts. It sounds like you and your wife will be working collaboratively with the psychiatrist on this, which is good. Good luck on this next phase of your journey, I am rooting for you both.

ETA. Both JFO and General Forums are quite triggery and can be quite venty. It might be helpful for you to post in Reconciliation instead as that appears to be the process you want and are embarked on, so might be more encouraging and less triggering for you. Just a thought.

[This message edited by Edie at 10:31 AM, Thursday, September 11th]

Edie. From your post, your wisdom is apparent. I assume you have intimate knowledge of the mental health field as I do. Hence, my comment about being the cardiologist with heart disease.

I will heed your advice and explore the Reconiliation forum so it is not as "triggery." [sic.]

My greatest difficulty today is coping with reality, when I don’t know what reality is. Without honesty and full transparency, I feel like my wife's changing stories are a continued betrayal.

This knowledge, experience, education, training, and skill elucidated by others in this forum have been invaluable to me. And for that, I'm grateful to all of you.

ETA. Both JFO and General Forums are quite triggery and can be quite venty. It might be helpful for you to post in Reconciliation instead as that appears to be the process you want and are embarked on, so might be more encouraging and less triggering for you. Just a thought.

This is absolutely true, especially JFO. Vicariously reliving my own trauma through the stories of others gets to be unhealthy. I have to take breaks from it from time to time.

Thanks for understanding—vicarious or secondary victimization.

My greatest difficulty today is coping with reality, when I don’t know what reality is.

Low Tide, reality is what is going on right this second in the present. The sights, sounds, smells, feelings in your body. The weather, food, wind in your face. All that stuff right now. You know what your reality is, you are experiencing it while reading this post, moment to moment. Right now.

Everything else, the past and the future, is story. Particularly the past.

You appear to be trying to figure out what your story is. What your life narrative is. How you got to the here and now, what the path was. There is an underlying assumption is that that story is really, really important. That it somehow affects the right now.

But is it actually important? We kind of blindly assume it is. Or we decide that it is. Consider that maybe it doesn’t need to be, though.

Two books I’ve read that challenged that assumption, The Book of Not-Knowing by Peter Ralston and The Power of Now by Eckhard Tolle. Lots of others of this ilk. Worth a gander.

I’ll rephrase your quote above a little…

" My greatest difficulty today is coping with reality (right now), when I don’t know what my story (the past) is."

Worth pondering on whether you can detach the right now from your story, even a little. It makes a difference, has been a powerful thing for me. Way smarter people than me have thought about it. Steal their ideas!

Sending strength!

Some interesting points. Not quite there, yet.

I feel like I'm treading water, and her ongoing betrayal (i.e., withholding the truth) is akin to being pulled down by the ankles.

My hope is that with time, I can accept the reality of the past/infidelity and present/ongoing betrayal.

I know you’ve said you’re 100% committed to the marriage, but one thing that has helped me greatly is to put myself into position where I can stay or go, just as easy either way. This means that every day I stay, I’m doing it because I choose to, not because I am trapped.

In reading your post, it comes across to me that you feel trapped. That you don’t have a choice. That you are not in control.

So here is a suggestion – even though you were 100% committed to the marriage, go see a lawyer. Learn what is required to get a divorce. Then, file for a divorce. I’m not saying get a divorce. I am saying file for the divorce.

Take yourself to the point where staying in your marriage and leaving your marriage are equally easy. Put yourself on the fence between the two where you can hop down either side with the same effort.

Then choose.

This gives you all the power, and puts you 100% in control. Right now you don’t have that control because you’re depending on your wife’s actions and you don’t control those.

Read my profile in the history on the attributes of survivors. One of the key attributes and habits is taking control of your situation.

Sending strength!

Respectfully, divorce is not an option for me. I meant my vows and live by them. For good or for bad, in sickness and in health.... Her unwillingness to be honest and forthcoming is a sickness.

As I've shared, if I can feel comfortable one day that her story isn't completely changing from one conversation to the next, I can begin to accept and heal.

For now, the pain of living has become greater than the fear of dying. While I am not suicidal, I am so depressed that I wish I could close my eyes at night and not wake up. I shared this with my psychiatrist yesterday, and honestly contracted for safety.

I'm certain that I'm not the only victim feeling this way. Is there anyone else yearning to know what happened, where, why, how long, etc., and won't settle by saying, "I could just walk away and be in control?"

You are much more likely to get the answers you want if you are prepared to walk.

low tide,

Respectfully, divorce is not an option for me. I meant my vows and live by them. For good or for bad, in sickness and in health.... Her unwillingness to be honest and forthcoming is a sickness.

Largely, I go along legal guidelines for being responsible. If your wife 1) understands what the truth is, and 2) is able to tell the truth; then she is responsible for her behavior in telling the truth or not telling the truth.

You seem to believe that she is capable in the definition above, but is unwilling to tell the truth. Do you consider that a sickness? Do you think that means she is not responsible for her behavior? How can she fulfill her marital vows if she can not be responsible for her actions? If she is responsible, how is it not a will-full disregard for her vows?

Is it ethical and fair to bind your wife in marriage and hold her to a vow which you believe that she is not capable of upholding? Why is that ok? That seems unfair to her. You must have spoken to a spiritual advisor or the person you believe most understands the vows. I can not