SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I betrayed my husband 27 years ago for a short term emotional affair that turned into 4 sexual incidences. I was not honest to my spouse at the time of discovery bc I knew his personality and potential to become enraged he would leave me and our 2 young daughters. I immediately stopped complete contact with the other person, which my husband finds completely impossible. I can say I do not remember all aspects of the entire weeks of the affair. This leads me to my question of advice. About 4-6 months ago husband found a recording that he brought to my attention. A call to a girlfriend saying what had happened and stated a few incriminating and vague statements that needed explaining. About 5 of 7 days , maybe everyday , we had open discussion about what happened 27 years ago. I often said I do not really remember. Honestly !! He accused me of lying. After repeated statements of I do not know, it was 27 years ago ! " How many affairs have you had ?" Hahaha Surely you can remember someone you had relations with. We did a lot of good web video seminars, he read a helpful book that we would discuss daily. So on .

WE love each other and have toyed with the idea of separation,, but we are hopefully on the complete road to staying married.

How can I help my husband recover from what I did for no apparent reason that is at all logical to have ruined my marriage , our wedding day vows, crushed his self worth ?

Me not being able to provide spouse with what he thinks are "correct and logical" responses is keeping him from recovery.

Trauma was also to me , I am ashamed and feel like a hooker.

Ability to not recall after 27 years, is there a real medical name for something I feel ?

[This message edited by taylord6868 at 12:33 PM, Friday, March 21st]

So I am 8 years out from my 2 month affair with 3 physical instances. I did confess at the time so our information gathering was easier and more complete.

I can honestly say today that if I had to confess and disclose I would not be able to recall nearly as many details. It’s simply something I don’t go over in my head. I could tell you how many times, how it started, how it escalated, but I don’t remember a lot of what we said together or anything about the sex other than some yes that happened or no it didn’t to a listing of acts.

What I would recommend is you start by putting together a written timeline. Just start with what you do remember. Then sit with it over a couple of weeks and see what comes up in your mind that you can fill in. I think if I had to do that, it might stir up some details that I could add to it.

Of course it’s been over three times as long for you.

You also may want to look into the therapy world for answers. I don’t know if hypnosis is something, or if you could get a marriage counselor to help with a formal disclosure.

I would do some research and take the options back to him. I think it will mean something to him that you made some effort and are willing to try whatever might help you help him.

How can I help my husband recover from what I did for no apparent reason that is at all logical to have ruined my marriage , our wedding day vows, crushed his self worth ?

Read How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair (a book) and "Things Every Wayward Needs To Know" (a thread pinned at the top of this forum).

Try not to minimize or dismiss his questions (e.g. "how many affairs have you had?") How is he supposed to know the answer? He has no idea who he is living with. Be ready to repeat and repeat and repeat yourself, his mind is in trauma mode and he will search and search for clues about this new (awful) world he is living in and how to navigate it. Just be patient with him, answer the questions as best you can, it's probably best to not say "I don't remember" but instead offer something you DO remember. For example, if he says, "what did you talk about after sex?" and you don't remember what you talked about, instead of saying you don't remember, you can say, "we didn't stay together very long after sex, we didn't make plans to be together, we didn't plan the next encounter, we didn't talk about you, we probably talked about what we were doing that afternoon in order to have something to talk about.' That gives him much more information than "I don't know."

It will help him if you have good self-awareness about why it happened and why you talked to your friends about it and not him.

Good luck taylord6868.

Thank you both for some useful input.

@ hikingout , you have some very valid examples & I have looked over your personal page and together we have read out our some of your posts!
@pippin, I will look into the read you mentioned :)

TY

[This message edited by taylord6868 at 3:53 AM, Monday, March 24th]