SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As the WS in my marriage it seems kind of ironic to be upset about the consequences of my actions. Like I knew what I was doing was wrong and did it anyways, so why should I be upset now…. Some days I am hit with the overwhelming realization that I made many bad decisions that have now changed my life (and my spouses) forever. And it just sucks so much. My affair and AP added no extra value to my life. I gained nothing from the affair and in return lost everything that was meaningful to me. My husband hasn’t divorced me, but that option is never off the table. Even if we get to R, I made a mark on our marriage that never goes away. I lost a career I worked my ass off for. I lost the chance at doing IVF with my husband, when being a mother was the only thing I’ve ever wanted. Most importantly I’ve lost my husband’s trust and pride in our marriage. Those are things I’ll never get back and I wish I would have thought about these things when I chose to cheat.

I would just love to know if this feeling ever goes away.

I promise I’m not trying to throw a pity party for myself right now. I very much understand that I’m just dealing with the consequences of my affair and what my husband is going through is far more painful. But knowing it’s my fault doesn’t make it any easier to get through.

I highly recommend the book, Who Moved My Cheese.

It really helped me accept the changes in my life that I couldn't control and accept my new options.

Even if you've read it before, it's a quick, easy read with a really good message.

Thanks Sadie! I’m always open to new books, I’ll give it a try!

Being 11 years from Dday I can only provide my perspective as the betrayed.

Since you only recently joined SI I am going to assume your spouse learned of your affair somewhat recently.

Year 1 of reconciliation was dealing with the "shock" and acceptance the affair occurred and came to light. I should add that my H planned to D me for the much younger OW. Typical midlife crisis affair.

Year 2 for me was the anger phase. I had to address every mean nasty thing he says to me (typical cheater mentality is to blame everyone else for the affair). I had to accept what he said and then realize he now regrets all of it.

Year 3 - I recognize I had to heal myself. The cheating spouse can only do so much and the rest is/was on me. I was still seeing my very wonderful counselor who helped me tremendously. But I now had to start working hard on myself.

By year 5 I can say many things returned to normal or our pre-affair state. We talked about the affair much less. We were both committed to our marriage and my H continued to show me I was his priority.

As the person who cheated, you might need to have a mindset that you are not giving up on the possibility of a reconciliation between your spouse and you that gets you past this point. You can be happy. You can happily reconcile.

But only if both parties want to put in the work AND want to move past this mess.

I was fully prepared and planned to D my H at dday2 of affair 2. But here we are - still together despite the past and yes, we are happy.

It’s natural to grieve these losses, even when we brought them on ourselves. And to boot, as ws we often aren’t the coping masters to begin with. In many ways the affair itself was a bad coping mechanism.

Unfortunately the only way is through.

But here are some things to remind yourself all is not lost:

- a gratitude practice. Sounds trivial, but this has been scientifically proven to help us rewire our brains. Each day I would write down three things and reflect deeply on them. What do I like about these things, genuinely get in contact with as much emotion that you can. Every day ordinary things. And soon you will find yourself looking for the good in each day for your next days practice. And when you keep looking for good your capacity to deal with perceived lack increases. This is still my number one go to coping mechanism.

- try and make space for yourself in your day. I took up running because it helped me focus on a goal, it allowed me to get out of my head, and it increased happy hormones in my brain. This doesn’t fix your marriage but like the gratitude it will help you cope.

Self nurturing is also important because your goal is to learn to love yourself. Love is reinforced with actions and effort.

Now you may be wondering how the heck does that work to help my marriage, my husband, how he sees it and restoring pride. People who love themselves are often very safe partners. They do not need outside validation or escapism because they become responsible for their own happiness. Having strong coping mechanisms makes you strong. These things build a momentum towards becoming the person you are striving to be.

You know the saying that a team is only as strong as its weakest link? So is a marriage. And by working on these things to grow stronger, building resilience, and increasing your capacity to love you are giving yourself the best chance to transform your life and your relationships.

Does it go away? No, I don’t think so. Does it fade? Yes. Is it possible to have a stronger relationship in the aftermath of this recovery? Absolutely. By focusing on your work, your goals, where you want to go, self awareness, self compassion, and removing all the obstacles you can toward love you will see gains again.

It’s going to take some time but as you make progress it will get easier to deal with. And the more you show up and out in the effort the more you will grow, change, and see that reflected in your life.

How you feel is natural. I am certain I traumatized myself by having an affair- it took me to my lowest points of my entire life. Climbing out of that low place and stepping up for my husband -and myself is something I am proud of today. I am proud of the marriage we built from the ashes. It can get better.

And if it doesn’t, you will find your strengthened yourself enough to deal with that too. For now he is leaving the door cracked to that possibility. Use this disappointment in yourself as a springboard for change. Let what you have down create a higher purpose for your life and everything in it.

You have been doing the right things, recognizing the losses while painful is part of those right things. I think you have a great shot.

[This message edited by hikingout at 11:36 AM, Wednesday, March 19th]

Thank you all for your advice and kind words! Thankfully I had IC right after I posted so I was able to discuss the feelings in my post with my counselor. I agree with you both and I do think the feelings of disappointment in myself are very natural, just hard to navigate those feelings in the moment. My counselor said if I didn’t feel sad/disappointed in my actions then she would be very concerned. I’ve been told that I’m hitting the remorse stage in my recovery and it’s so much harder than I expected.

I will most definitely start the book you mentioned, Sadie!

Hiking, I do love that you brought up me finding space for myself every day and doing something makes me happy. I definitely don’t want to continue to be the weakest link in my marriage.

1st wife, I appreciate your timeline of recovery so much! I find it helpful seeing the process it took other betrayed spouses to heal and how they were doing as each month/year passed.

As always, I’m beyond thankful that my husband is allowing me the possibility of reconciliation. Just got a tremendous amount of personal growth to make to get there.