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Given that I’m still in the early stages of post DDay, how should I be handling checkins with my spouse? The first few weeks it was an everyday hour long talks about the affair. Weekly I’m asking if he wants to talk, some days he does some days that question pissed him off. All kinda depends on how he’s feeling that week, which I totally get. We always feel better after the fact, it’s just the initial approach of the conversation that’s still awkward.

Does anyone have tips on how to initiate a check in with your spouse and what are topics that you feel were meaningful to discuss?

Hi KarmaCat, I don't remember having formal check ins, but I remember talking about it a lot (we still talk about it a lot). I would send him SI posts so he could give me his perspective (both ones I had written and also ones that other people wrote). I would say, "I was thinking about how it must have felt for you when XYZ, am I missing something?", I would share with him a new understanding I had, we would talk about infidelity that came up in the news or in movies or whatever . . . and of course sometimes he wanted a break from it. Nothing is easy at the beginning but if you keep trying you'll get more skilled. I wouldn't assume that him being angry means it was a bad idea to bring it up, but you could ask him when he wants breaks from talking about it, and during the breaks, just be sure to let him know (I would think more than once a week) that you are ready to talk when he is. Some topics might be: your understanding of how he feels/felt, the harm that you realize now that your actions caused, your understanding of your thinking at the time and how it has changed, the process that you are going through to change (whatever that is, daily meditation, noticing urges and responding differently, how you think about male/female relationships). I think it's important to notice how much he wants to hear about your process and how much he wants to hear your understanding of his experience and how much he wants to talk about infidelity through the lens of a third party (i.e. something in the news) so it doesn't feel as personal. And it will all cycle and change.

I do not have anything to add to what pippin has stated other than maybe some more example prompts which I will share. And I think if formal works for you then great, but I wouldn’t stick to that always if there are other organic things that come up. Your ability to discuss it often is like a pressure reliever. So we were more like pippin described but it’s really what word best for your bs.

Like Pippin, I think it’s important to be curious about their pain, things that might trigger him, etc. I often would say things like she mentioned:

"I was thinking today how it must have felt when I said or did x"
Sometimes it’s good to ask questions: "how does it feel now when I do this?" And don’t really focus on just the good things you are trying, though it’s good to see if those things are helpful. But things like "when we are apart?" Or "are there things I am still doing that remind you of the affair"

We talked a lot about my process "in IC today I had an epiphany…" "I just read this - what do you think about what the author is saying about that?"

How are you feeling today is always a good one.

I am going to find a quote Brave Sir Robin because I think this is critical to put out as much as possible. BRB with that.

I think my best advice for you at this point is that you help your spouse by working on yourself. Several years ago, I wrote that a BS's trauma isn't fixed by helping them get up off the floor; you need to get down on the floor with them. We see the carnage we've inflicted, and it's natural to try to patch those wounds instead of focusing on what made us capable of wielding the knife in the first place. But how can anyone genuinely heal if they know the doctor could slash them open again without warning?

That was from BravesirRobin on another post and I hope I am not breaking guidelines by bringing it over here.

But I was around for that first post of here and it’s stayed with me all these years. It was accompanied by a couple who the wife had cheated. And she, like me, and many other remorseful ws really try blvery hard to do everything right moving forward but it’s not like getting an A in reconciliation. It’s a reminder to stay vulnerable, understand that you are seeking your own answers and that recovery for you will be the part that really counts most. That both of you move away from this broken place together.

We always feel better after the fact, it’s just the initial approach of the conversation that’s still awkward.

Hi there.

I'm years out - and while we never had formal check ins - we did discuss. In the beginning it was a lot of yelling and tears involved.

I can say, years out, it is still somewhat awkward but not in a pain/panic/anxiety/depressing type way but more in a bittersweet type way.

I will also say - while at times I resented the check ins and was angered by the need for them - looking back I do remember his willingness to stand there and take it during them. And give uncomfortable truths gently.

What happens in the trenches of it all may be forgotten - but your willingness to get in them will be remembered.

I wanted to add something that came up in marriage counseling today. Our therapist suggested reading a selection from "Mirror of Intimacy: Daily Reflections on Emotional and Erotic Intelligence" during check ins and then discussing our thoughts and feelings about it. We have biweekly checkins on the calendar, but sometimes these feel awkward because we are talking about things regularly during the week. I'm hoping this structure will help the check ins be more productive.

Please be fixable- thank you, I think I would like to look at that book too. It reminded me about six months out we started using the Gottman question cards (I think they have an app for it too, but we had attended his workshop) and were surprised how much the seemingly simple questions brought up a lot of vulnerable and sweet discussions. I don’t think I would recommend those for infidelity check ins but it’s a great date night activity to do at dinner or just having a glass of wine or something. I felt like that helped us tap back into our connection and shared history. It got us talking again.

Sounds like a great book PleaseBeFixable! KarmaCat, maybe that is what you need, some kinds of structure. What I have found is that sometimes my husband answers the question or brings up the topic he wishes I had raised rather than the one I started with - I will ask about something and he will answer totally out of somewhere else. I let it go where he wants it to rather than sticking with the original topic. So the daily or weekly reflections thing might help, though at first you might need a resource that is infidelity centered rather than things that are meant for generally healthy couples doing a touch up or marriages where there was no infidelity trauma.