SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey all, if you see my previous posts it pretty much explains my situation up until a week ago, 1 month since dday, 1 affair from me that he found out about, one time thing but 2 weeks of emotional cheating with the same guy before the one night stand..

My BH and I have spent quite a bit of time together since my last post, im still so confused.

He is very back and forth, it will seem like were getting along, having sex, laughing a little and i am sleeping in the bed again, the blow up mattress deflated, i offered to sleep on the couch however he said i didnt have to.

At the end of last week i was really happy, we prayed together and he signalled me in for a cuddle, which is the first time in a month and we hugged for ages, then i kissed his forehead and he signalled me to kiss his lips, we kissed and then he said 'i love you im just hurting' the first kiss, or i love you since dday, other than that when i say i love you he has not said it back just acknowledges it or sometimes mocks it and says that i dont,

Since that beautiful moment he hasnt said or did any of those things again, sometimes he lets me touch him which i try to alot, just his leg or whatever but even a couple times has moved my hand off of him when i try to touch him, reason im confused is because from reading these forums im aware it can be up and down this soon and i know he is hurting, hes watched me change alot, turning to god and wanting to love in a pure way, following the WS guide completely on how to help him heal, seeing all the things i was doing to damage our relationship, despite his part before the A happened and turning them around, also telling him multiple times a day how sorry i am, that he is the best and all i want, that id never hurt him again and that im so grateful and lucky hes even here with me but he also still 'doesnt know' if he wants to 'try again to rebuild a new relationship'

He still every week gets me to go to my sisters so he can have some space, normally when this happens i get texts while im there that are hinting towards not being together, him not wanting me to think hes going to just forgive me etc, hes also said 'i cant even be myself around you' and 'i dont know if i can ever feel the same again' that hes the one who has to deal with this now and some quite mean things when hes angry that point towards no R, 'i could go get someone who wont hurt me' 'you shouldve thought about loving me before now youve fucked up our whole future together' 'you cheated me out of having at a lifelong relationship' 'its not the same, youre not mine anymore' things like this' 'youre for everybody not me' 'youd fuck anything that gives you attention' 'i can never trust you again' 'youre just a whore'. he also when he gets angry at me claims theres still things i have to tell him that im keeping from him which just isnt true, he knows everything and every little detail, i made sure of it.

I guess i am asking is this normal? am i on the right track still towards R? Its hard to know because he says he doesnt know and then it seems spending time with me, trying would be heading in that direction but then he will say something like the list above and it makes me question which way we are going? any help would be greatly appreciated to help me understand what is happening and what to expect,

[This message edited by dc1997112 at 8:22 PM, Wednesday, February 19th]

I think of the first year more like recovery. Reconciliation rarely begins in year one.

Let me explain:

The bs will go through stages of grief. It’s not in sequential order and often they will oscillate between stages. 1 month from dday your husbands traumatized brain is still reacting to shock, which for some time will have him moving between anger/bargaining/denial.

You have to see this almost like a gunshot wound in which the healing for will take a long time. He is no where near able to make a decision about a future together. He will be on an emotional roller coaster for some time to come.

As for you, you are best to focus on your recovery. Figuring out why and how you were able to do it. This will become a roadmap of the work you need to do in yourself and will also take a long term concerted effort. Get in IC, start looking at the justifications you made to yourself and find your accountability in them. There are some good posts in this forum about how to find your whys.

It takes 2-5 years to reconcile. A lot of what you choose to do in these early days will possibly impact your success. But you must make acceptance that the security and future of this relationship will be uncertain for time to come.

Which leads me to my best point I can make. Do the work because this is not who you want to be. Do it regardless of the outcome of the relationship. Do it because you need to learn how to become accountable for your own happiness, your actions, how you view love and marriage, and because that will have a lasting impact on how you cope with things not being optimal in the future.

Your husband is traumatized right now. It’s confusing for him to be with the source of that trauma. So as he moves through grief, you need to become a better version of yourself so that he can see that should he begin to trust again you seem much more reliable than you once were.

It sounds like this relationship has been on the rocks prior to this issue. Think also how you may have contributed to that aspect. What you could do differently when faced with the same situation.

If you are doing therapy and authentically and diligently working on yourself, then you are headed in the right direction. But R requires 2 people, not one.

If your husband isn't in therapy yet you should do what you can to encourage him to go. Given how angry he is, if you try to encourage him yourself, he may very well take that the wrong way and see it as manipulative or patronizing. Something you can try is to reach out to someone in his support network and ask them to encourage him, perhaps a religious leader since you have indicated that you two are religious. Make sure to be careful in how you word this because it can come off looking even more manipulative if you don't. Ultimately you know him best so go about it the best way you see fit.

And in case you didn't know: therapy is all about the therapist. The compatibility between your BH and his therapist is of utmost importance, this is in contrast to other health care providers where expertise is typically most important. Once he does start going, you should impress upon him how important this is because a bad therapist, either in terms of fit or competence, can hurt him further. Ideally the therapist should have experience with betrayal trauma.

And if you were looking for some hope, well, he hasn't left yet and he's allowing you some physical closeness at times. This is more than what many WS's get at this point in time in the aftermath of an A.

[This message edited by mardandra at 3:31 AM, Friday, February 21st]

Working on yourself to figure out why you gave yourself permission to make repeated choices that you knew would hurt your H. When I say it like that it doesn't sound in line with what you've said. He likely is thinking the same thing. IC is best to explore this without him.

During my R (Does R ever really stop?) Anger is a secondary emotion he is showing anger because it is easier to handle than the pain, sadness, unfairness. . .I could list more but you get the idea.

There were times that I let out a tirade of the meanest things I could think of at the time and then collapsed to the floor with hysterical tears. Anger has to burn itself out sometimes.

The trauma of betrayal is nothing short of maddening. The unfairness of it all, feeling like we had no say in the matter, questioning if our WS loves us, the feeling that R equals the WS getting away with it . . .again lots more there.

While there is a shared history that shared history ended with being betrayed. Anything and I do mean anything from before has been nullified. You are akin to someone he is dating right now. Further dating someone he can't trust. Any pluses from the past now have an asterisk. You need to find authentic new ones.

Focusing on him isn't selfless for you. You are heading down the path where you are assuming that R means it erases your EA/PA. It doesn't work like that. It never goes away. R really is about incorporating your As into your shared history. Where grace, forgiveness and your why become added to the traumatic betrayal.

I told my W once that she left the M by the choice made to pursue and continue an A. I am still in the M. She needs to earn her way back in.

Spending time in IC is the fastest way to figure that out. Step 1 of many to get to true
remorse which is required if you want him to let you back into the relationship. At that point you can work on building a new M.

I hope this works out for you. He is still there and seems to care. If he stops caring that means he is falling out of love with you.

Basics are covered? NC letter, Any place you could see AP is no longer a place you go, full timeline/complete disclosure. Open devices, accountable for all your time not with him, willingly attending IC? What would you do if you saw AP? What if he reaches out again? You and your H need a mutually agreed upon plan what the expectations should those scenarios arise.

Plus you need to answer all questions with complete honesty. If he finds out you lied again it sets progress back to negative territory.

What else have you been doing?

He doesn’t believe you love him, for obvious reasons.

So, how do you fix that?

Well, the first question is, do you love him?

If so, there are the obvious "big" things: saying "I love you", initiating sex, cuddles, apologizing.

But there are a million little things, too. What you say, all day long. How you say it. Your tone of voice, cadence of speech, facial expressions, posture. How you act, patience, caring, present.

The big things can be faked, and he won’t believe them, now.

The million little things, however, I don’t believe can be faked. And when he digs out of the awful place he is in, he’ll start sensing the little things, or the lack thereof.

If you don’t love him, he’ll sense it, and you’re just prolonging the agony.

And, as hikingout and others have advised, you have to fix yourself, so you never do this to him again, or to a future partner.

You say you’ll never do it again, but you would have said that before the first time. He doesn’t believe you, and you shouldn’t believe you.

Best wishes.