SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

DDay 2/12/2024

B - female 55 years old
W - male 62 years old
Together since 9/2010
Living together since 8/2013
Engaged 12/2016

Found a private email address used for sites such as Seeking Arrangement and Sugar Daddy Meet.

Has been conversing and meeting with women (mid 20’s) since approx early 2016 possibly 2015. Drinks, dinner, conversation. No gifts, no long term relationships or arrangements that he has admitted to or that my digging has dug up. He is not overly sexual and has said everything was non sexual and I do believe that to be the case. I do suspect he might have had someone join him on a business trip or 2 (back in 2018) as a companion.

There has been ZERO behavior since DDay. He does show remorse and takes accountability but is extremely reluctant and refuses to have more transparency and disclosure regarding the frequency, money spent, and any other details to provide reassurance.

He is a TRUE dismissive avoidant. - seeks validation, avoids intimate conversations, can be transactional with people. He has a tendency to throw money at problems and does have the money to do that.
I lean more anxious.

He wants to work towards reconciliation but is still holding on to secrets. I would like to also stay together but feel as if more disclosure is needed.

He believes exposure will lead to more questions from me and that I will always believe the worst even if that isn’t the case.
I believe the secrets will allow me to free myself and move forward. I also believe I will know when he is not lying anymore. We are at an impasse in our personal beliefs.

I’m looking for insight into this specific type of activity and insight as to how to move towards full disclosure.

Please no negative comments as I do still love him and think he is a good person who did a lot of bad things.

Welcome to SI and sorry that you're joining us. First, I'd like to refer you to the posts pinned to the top of the page, as well as those with bull's eye icons. They have some very good information. Second, the Healing Library is full of great information, too. I've bumped the ones with bull's eye icons so they should be near the top of the page.

If he's interested in R (reconciliation), then please have him read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a little over 100 pages, but is nicely spaced and doesn't take long to read. He needs IC (individual counseling) to work on his why's and to become a safe partner. If he took somebody on a business trip or two, it's doubtful that nothing physical happened. If he has, then he needs to be tested for STDs/STIs, as do you.

For you, IC with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful. Bonus points if they also do infidelity trauma. Don't do CC (couples counseling) until you have healed. A CC is more for working on the relationship and infidelity is often treated under the unmet needs fallacy. The CC will shift some of the blame to you. The decision to cheat is 100% his choice.

extremely reluctant and refuses to have more transparency and disclosure regarding the frequency, money spent, and any other details to provide reassurance.

This is not showing remorse and accountability. Maybe shame, but he's not giving you information that you may need to heal. How can you heal or forgive if you don't know what you're forgiving? If he has cheated repeatedly, then he is a serial cheater and they are notoriously bad at sticking to the work to become a safe partner. I'm not saying that it can't be done, because we have some really great reformed waywards on the site. They'll be the first to tell you that it's a lot of hard work.

how to move towards full disclosure

Ask for a written timeline with dates, feelings, money spent, details as to what they did like dinner & movie, hotel, etc. Give a deadline for when you would like to have it completed, or he may string you along forever.

Good luck and keep posting.