SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I learned today that my friend’s mother passed away due to liver failure. She basically drank herself to death. What my friend doesn’t know is that when my very public shit show happened ie WH was doing the dance between me and OW, her mum messaged me to say that she had went through similar with my friends dad (whom she was still married to) and that it shattered her heart into a million pieces, that the love of her life did that to her when my friend was only a few years old. I didn’t tell my friend and no one really knows apart from those involved. It would really hurt her as she is so close with her dad. She had a really difficult relationship with her mum and I think it’s so sad that she doesn’t know the reason why her mum was the way she was. I look at her life and it scares me that I could become or maybe already am that person. 10 years of my own hell. 10 years of my younger two kids not knowing why I am sometimes distant, sometimes unlovable, not fully showing love their dad etc etc. It’s all very sad.

In Homer's Odyssey, Odysseus had to navigate between two monsters, Scylla who would take six sailors if a ship got too close; and Charybdis who was a whirlpool and would sink the ship. The sorceress Circe advised Odysseus to sail close to Scylla and lose six sailors, rather than risk losing his entire ship to Charybdis. Odysseus followed her advice and lost six sailors, but escaped Charybdis.

I am no Circe and offer no advice, but I can fully empathize with any BS with kids feeling like they are Odysseus. I certainly feel like I’m between a rock and a hard place. I have chosen to protect my kids from the disillusionment with their mother that I have had to learn to accept. Betrayal blows up lives and has long lasting repercussions. You have been heard. I know your pain and I wish I could make it go away.

You didn’t ask so you probably don’t need any help with this, but personally, I would keep the secret that your friend’s mother told you. First, your friend has lost one parent and poisoning her relationship with the remaining one won’t help any living person. Second, it isn’t your secret to tell. Her mother kept her secret in life, so to honor her I’d keep it for her after death. Third, how do you know that the cheating actually caused the alcoholism? Drunks make excuses but their drinking is their decision and theirs alone. I have never fully bought into the notion that alcoholism is a disease, but my friends in AA say that calling this disorder a disease helps the afflicted to stop drinking. So I go along. You could perhaps use that notion of disease to comfort your friend without betraying the gift of empathy that her mother gave you.

I am saddened to read this.

One of the things that I did was to become a better parent during and after my H’s affair. I realized that I needed to focus on them (as I believed we were D) and it appeared the OW was ready to move to the step- mom role ASAP.

Professional counseling certainly helped me recognize where I could do better as a parent.

As young adults I see the benefit my kids received from my efforts. Here’s some proof.

Recently my dad passed away in his 90s. He was a really good dad. My youngest is not very chatty or outgoing or affectionate - not even as a baby. He hated to be snuggled etc.

So a few weeks after my dad passed we were in the kitchen just chatting ( ok I was chatting and he was listening). I was shocked to hear him say "if you need to talk about your dad you can talk to me. I will come home from work if you need me to…".

My efforts investing in myself paid off in having a better relationship with my kids. My kids don’t know about my H’s affair BTW. But my near Divorce opened my eyes to a reality that I was on the verge of being a single parent and I needed to be the best parent I could be.

If you told her, then things that have never made sense will make sense.

If you don’t, then the bubble of the happy lie will continue.

Scylla and Charbdis, indeed. What an on-point analogy.

Ten years is a long time. Are your kids old enough now to understand if you explain?