SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey all,

This is my first time here. I'm not sure the conventions or how it all works. I wrote my story in my profile. My mom helped me with the acronym (hah).

Currently, I'm living in hell. I have a 10 yo daughter (bio, ivf) and 8 yo son (adopted internationally at age 2), and live with my legally blind wife. We are filed for divorce and battling over custody of the children. I'm less concerned about money, and more concerned about the well-being of my children.

My ex has been emotionally abusive to me for years, and since the divorce, I've learned of some pretty serious accusations of physical and emotional abuse to the children as well. I knew she was bad to the kids sometimes, but I had no idea the extent.

Things keep getting worse and worse. My daughter is emboldened knowing that I will protect her from her mother and is lashing out viciously at her. I'm working full time in a corporate leadership role and juggling daily family altercations. Both children constantly complain of stomach aches and need to stay home from school. Both kids have triggered DFCS (children's services) referrals, and my daughter was so scared to come home one day, the police were called and filed a report.

She refuses to leave. She says she's the mom. She hovers over me and the kids, stands outside of doors to listen to every conversation, prevents the kids from coming to me in distress, even forces herself into kids therapy appointments. She calls the therapists and tells them the kids are lying and misrepresents the true nature of the home. She accuses both of our children of being mentally ill. She tells all of the kids friends that the children are terrible to her, that she is the victim, and a couple have even confronted our kids about it in support of my ex. They are increasingly alienated from anyone who can help or support them.

I'm scared for the safety of my kids, and scared that my ex will somehow convince people her insane argument that I'm "coaching the kids." This is the last thing I ever wanted. I grew up without my father, and it was one of the most painful and difficult things for me to overcome in my life. I want her to heal her relationship with the kids more than anything.

I guess I'm looking for support. I have a great mom, a couple close friends, but nobody who can really relate to me. I find most people are very quick to tell me what to do, and I don't want that either. Ideas are great, judgement and demands are not.
This is a difficult mess to navigate, and it's a very lonely path. Please feel free to reach out to me, I'm desperately in need of a friend.

Obviously, your situation is extremely serious, likely far beyond our pay grade here. You need to meticulously document EVERYTHING your STBX is doing, working with your lawyer, and Child Protective Services (or whatever they’re called by you). Frankly, your STBX strikes me as the type that could finally snap and start killing.

I’m relieved you’ve woken up as a man and started protecting your kids from your STBX. THAT IS YOUR #1 JOB NOW. Document to everyone you’re convinced she’s an immediate threat to you and the kids. I pray you’re taking this as a life-or-death matter, because it is.

Keep posting.

Thanks for the response. I hope you’re wrong but can’t say I’m certain you are. I am documenting everything, I've gotten so much better at that.

I’ve always been extremely involved as a dad, extremely present. I’ve misread my kids, and feel tons of guilt that they never felt they could come to me about it. I’ve always overtly supported her to the kids, and hadn’t realized they were using the same defense mechanisms as me, self preserving in her mental illness.

Again, I’m here looking for support more than anything, not so much expertise or guidance. Friendship so I don’t feel so alone through this.

So sorry you are going through this. Are you able to install cameras in the house to record what’s going on when you’re not there?

Thanks for the response!

We have a camera in my son’s room and most of our first floor. We set up cameras when our son was "homicidal." In GA, it’s a 1 party state, so if I’m not in the room, she needs to know about the camera.

The biggest problems are where we don’t have cameras. She will turn them off if things start escalating, or move to a spot where the cameras won’t capture it. Most recently when she did this, my mom was lucky to be present and captured it on her cell phone. Straight to the lawyers.

I’ve been getting good stuff still from the cameras, including her taunting in an ominous growl that I won’t catch her screaming or hitting on camera, her storming away or yelling at us for no discernible reason, and kids accusing her of physical abuse while on videoconference with doctors, and her saying they’re liars. It’s a circus here.

Welcome to SI and very sorry that you're joining us. The Healing Library is at the top of the webpage and has a lot of resources, including the list of acronyms we use.

Frankly, if that's the way she is, your kids are better off without her. I'm glad they're in therapy because it sounds like they will need all the support they can get. Have you talked to your children's teachers and discussed what's going on? They can watch for things that are out of the ordinary and document what they see at school.

Does your lawyer think you have enough documentation to get a restraining order on her? Also, please be very careful because she may try to bring DV charges against you. You may wish to get in contact with a DV shelter and see what kind of information they may have available.

Have you talked to your children's teachers and discussed what's going on?

Sort of. We have told them that we are divorcing, but they largely don’t know the extent of the allegations. My daughter sometimes has anxiety attacks at school, and she asked to talk to the guidance counselor. It took a week for the counselor to talk to her, and when she finally did and my daughter asked for help, she felt she was dismissive of her. She said she walked out of the office discouraged and sad and didn’t want to talk to anyone else. I don’t want to meddle, I don’t want to be a hypocrite. Stbxw has told my daughter she needs to stop telling people, I told her she can seek comfort from anyone she chooses. She has sought help from camp counselors, church staff, her therapist, psychiatrist, and school counselor. Several, not all to my knowledge, have reported it.

Does your lawyer think you have enough documentation to get a restraining order on her?

Hasn’t been brought up. They were toying with the idea of emergency order to remove from the house. They said that normally only gets granted (for women) in cases of substantial battery, which isn’t happening presently. The Guardian Ad Litem (kid lawyer) is in agreement she needs to leave immediately while she completes her investigation, but cannot force her without a court order.

I’m new to all of this, and here in GA, I’m told that the laws largely favor mothers. That being said, current status is I’m near 100% odds of full custody. I’ve been warned of DA allegations, and it’s something I fear too. She can call and have me arrested with almost no evidence. She also demands she go everywhere with me and the kids, including trips to Walmart. I’m trying to exercise my boundaries, and in cases where I’m in her presence without a witness, I make sure I’m recording.

I’m sorry for your situation.

Do you have a counselor just for you? Someone who can help you during this stressful time.

Do you have a counselor just for you? Someone who can help you during this stressful time.

I have the best therapist ever. This therapist has helped me through all of this for years. I knew things weren't right for a while, and she helped me set boundaries. She met my stbx at a grocery store once, and then my stbx forbade me from going back. I took a year off, and when I did go back, I was ready for divorce. Truly couldn't have done this without her.

You may wish to get in contact with a DV shelter and see what kind of information they may have available.

I would encourage this as well. A local organization was so helpful during my D. They were well-familiar with the local judge and his precedent on what I would need if it went as far as getting a RO. They gave me a log book and told me the types of stuff to document, etc. They may be able to even connect you with a group that supports father's rights for additional help.

Is your stbx getting any IC of her own?

Look for her level of crazy to escalate with each step. When they see they are losing control, they tend to ramp up.

Are you able to set up your own appt with your children's counselor? Not to try to influence anything but rather to see how you can help them best navigate?

***I am an attorney but I no longer practice so this info is from my personal experience when I was in practice. As I did not practice in GA the rules may not be the same, so this is just my personal advice to you.

When I was in practice I, pro bono (this was not my area of specialization but I did do this for about 7 years) represented abused and neglected children. In my case, almost all of them were wards of the state (meaning parental rights had been terminated because of abandonment by one or both of the biological parents or they had been terminated due to abusive behaviors by the parents - to get to termination of parental rights for abuse/neglect the parental behavior is always exceptionally bad). But I did have a few cases where we were seeking to terminate parental rights so I am familiar with some of the considerations of the courts when awarding custody, temporary or permanent to one parent or guardian over another. I am NOT saying that is where you are now. But some of the behavior you describe does seem to qualify as abuse, enough to involve the courts IMO.

There seems to be a universal truth in the case of children - the courts will apply what they refer to as the BIOC standard (the "best interest of the child"). It seems to me that one of the courses of action you may want to seek is via the family courts - a temporary custody order (pre divorce) or some other proceeding (whatever it may be called in your state) where you are seeking custody of the children to protect them from your spouse before you hash all of this out in conjunction with finalizing your divorce. And of course in your divorce proceedings in relation to permanent custody, all of this behavior will be examined further. It may be in your state that you need not file a separate action and may file such a motion directly into or in conjunction with your divorce case. If your attorney is not aware of the extent of what is happening in your home you need to inform him/her immediately, and if you want to address these issues now, ask what your options are.

A word of caution - these proceedings are often slow and painful. But the basis of them is the children as opposed to the problems you and your wife are having and removing them from involvement with an abusive parent. With allegations of abusive behavior the judges I saw had laser focus on the children's best interests and really put the parent's complaints about each other, especially in the context of the marital relationship second (eg most will not allow the parents to take these hearings as an opportunity to complain about their respective behaviors to each other unless one of the spouses is abusing the other - usually physically but not always). IDK if you said how old your children are, but the older they are generally the more their perspective also has on the decision of who has physical custody of them. It sounds to me like you may need to get this issue before the family courts ASAP (family courts in most jurisdictions also handle a divorce but in some states, like where I used to practice, a separate emergency TRO motion seeking injunctive relief barring one parent from the home or/and placing the kids in temporary custody of the non-abusive parent are initially filed as separate actions).

I suggest talking to your counsel about this course of action (or whatever may be available to you in your jurisdiction) now.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 8:12 PM, Monday, September 9th]

She can call and have me arrested with almost no evidence.

This is absolutely true. My advice would be to install cameras in EVERY room of the house, and DOCUMENT you have told her about that. Just say they are there to protect BOTH of you (we know the truth). This could be your only shot of not being hauled off to jail. It’s happened to MANY betrayed men who have filed for divorce. TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY!!

Sorry but I may have missed this, but which of you was unfaithful?

Sorry but I may have missed this, but which of you was unfaithful?

I didn’t put it in my post, but it’s in my excessively long profile. Ironically, infidelity isn’t a top grievance of mine — I’ve got a lot bigger survival needs right now. She was unfaithful once that I know of.

[This message edited by GratitudeSteve at 3:33 PM, Tuesday, September 10th]

Steve,

One thing you wrote has me concerned.

The stomach aches could be your W poisoning your children

Sorry you have to go through this horrific nightmare

Survus, while GS should absolutely get his kids checked out (including a toxicology screening), chronic stomach pain is a very common symptom of high anxiety in children. I went through during my mother's divorce from my abusive stepfather.

GS, if you and your kids really are in danger, then get yourself to a DV shelter. I know that resources are extremely limited for men, but see what's out there.

What BRB said.