SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, my WH left me in May 2024 but broke my heart in April 2024 just days after telling me what a good mother and wife I am. I knew we had issues but I didn't know we were unhappy and while I think every fiber of my being knew he wasn't faithful to me I didn't believe it until I found proof in his phone records and bank statements that showed multiple charges for hotel rooms starting in December and charges in the area where his AP was from. I found all of this in the beginning of June and found a lawyer who drew up the Marital Separation Agreement before the end of June and sent it to my WH. He still hasn't signed or made any moves in regards to actually moving forward with the separation. He also hasn't stayed in the house since the first week of July which gave me a panic attack that he was there.

I feel like this whole experience has changed me and he has also denied the affair when I confronted him about it and said he didn't know what I was talking about and that was a week after I found the evidence. The sad thing is his AP was married to her husband on Sept 9, 2023 and the first hotel charge that I found was Dec 9th, 2023.

These changes haven't been good for me. I feel lost in myself, I rarely smile and I can't understand why someone I have been faithful to and marries to for 16 years can do this to me. I don't understand why he won't just sign the agreement or why he didn't even tell me there was a problem. Unfortunately with lawyer fees I had to stop IC but have continued on depression and anxiety medication which I have been on since February because I thought our issues where because of me and my depression. I now realize it was because I was losing him. He was my best friend and the love of my life but when he threw my SA in my face that happened with a mutual friend because at the time he left me for that guys ex gf, I couldn't believe it. The only reason it happened was because my WH slept with his ex gf 12 years ago and he was mad got me upset and I got really really drunk and he took advantage to get back at my WH. I dealt with that by joining the armed services and before I left we had rekindled our relationship and eventually got married in 2013. I feel like I lost apart of myself, this whole process I know is centered around the grieving process but I also feel like the person I use to be died the day he broke my heart and then again when I discovered proof of his A. I want my life back, I want the man I fell in love with back but I don't know or think that will ever be possible. I cry often, I feel alone even when I'm surrounded by my family because I'm stuck in the thought process of what was so wrong with me, could I have been a better wife but then I also think that for the last 10 years I fought to do better and be better and give us and our family the best life I could. I have a great job, we bought our home 23 months ago, we were financially stable and we were building our future together. Before he left, I told him that he was worth fighting for and our family was worth fighting for, this was before I found out about the affair and even when I found out I told him I miss him before he knew I knew. What is so wrong with me, I have made all the moves I can to give him what he wants for something I don't even want even knowing what I know. Sorry this was so long, I feel broken by the one person in my life I trusted more than anyone, the one person who saw my flaws and loved me anyway. I thought we were forever.

I feel your pain in your story. I have not posted to this forum, ever. But, I felt compelled to let you know that you are not the problem. I know that we "know" deep down that we aren't the problem that MADE them lie and cheat. However, typing those words and actually "believing" them are two different things. It has taken me 10 years to realize that I am not the one holding us back from any recovery. It has taken 10 years to realize I did not MAKE him choose the nastiness of having affair(s) over working diligently to fix US.

Put a post-it not up on your bathroom mirror, your car visor, your kitchen sink... everywhere that a reminder to repeat the words "I did not make the choice..." or whatever affirming words you need to keep repeating.

You made a huge step in filing for separation, which is braver than I have been, and for that I commend you. You have a great job and are able to take care of yourself, it seems. Build on that. While he may be worth fighting for... so are you!

12 many makes a crucial point.

You say you didn't know 'we' were unhappy. 'We' weren't. Don't take responsibility for that. Your H made his own decisions.

It's really important for you to know in your head and in your gut that you and your H are different people. He's responsible for him. You're responsible for you. Your post says you don't know that, so I'd suggest asking your attorney for payment terms that allow you to do IC for you.

I know you want your old life back, but that's impossible. Besides, your H cheated in your old M, so if you go back in time, you just go to a point before he cheated - but without his and you making changes in yourself, he'll cheat again.

I know you feel awful, but if you stick with SI for a while, you may get advice you can use. Feeling awful, especially for the first 3-6 months is normal.

Also, why not just file for D?

*****

Did you cheat on your H? That doesn't give your H an excuse to cheat on you. It makes your recovery more difficult. Let us know.

No I have never cheated. My states has a 12 month waiting period since we have a minor.

No I have never cheated. My states has a 12 month waiting period since we have a minor.