SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate all of the replies and suggestiongs.

A quick update on what's been happeneing.

so obviously my partner understandably didn't trust or like me very much. After about a week she gave me an update on how she was feeling. She said that she saw that I'd came back from the office one day to work from home and was scared that I was home early to move out while she was at work.

Then she said she had suspicions that something happened when it did because she'd looked at where I was on her phone multiple times and saw I was at someones house, then when I got home I had a bath and went straight to bed, and kind of hid for a few days. But because I didn't say anything straight away she just bottled it up.

Now we're about a week on from that. And, everything feels normal? I'm still a little distant trying to work it out, but she seems normal, almost like nothing ever happened.

I'm not sure what to make of it, it's kind of stressing me out because I'm still all over the place.

Sorry if this is a weird update, just getting things out there until I can speak to a councillor or therapist.

I would probably ask her how she is doing, try and talk with her. Is she an avoidant person in general? Like does she avoid most things that are uncomfortable?

It’s possible she is in shock and hoping to keep things status quo. It’s also possible that you two have been detached so long it’s normal for her to remain in this state.

What keeps you from sitting down to talk about it? It’s obviously got you unsettled.

I am a bit baffled at the update- not sure what to make of it.

we're both quite avoidant to be honest, part of our communication issues, going to try to talk to her tomorrow and see how she is

Yes try and bridge that. Honestly, until you learn to be more vulnerable and less avoidant, the more likely you will find yourself in a sexless relationship where you feel like roommates. Sexual connection and mental connection go hand and hand in any long term relationship. Once the infatuation dies down, the mental/emotional connection helps keep that spark, and that spark brings sex and that sex brings a physical connection which then in turn reinforces the emotional connection. Relationships are work, any put on autopilot no matter how passionate in the beginning will land like this one.

I am not saying that for any other reason other than encouraging you to dig and break patterns. If this relationship can’t be revived, you still have a lot of work to do in order to land in the fulfillment that most people want in their lives.

Is she planning to do any therapy or anything? It sounds like she may be prone to rugsweeping and I don’t think it can survive more status quo.

[This message edited by hikingout at 7:10 PM, Friday, August 2nd]

I don't think she's planning on doing any therapy right now, I am but I'm struggling to get an appointment anywhere before the end of the month

I heartily second really trying to talk and seeing if you can bridge the gap between you two. I was extremely avoidant too (FOO stuff that became learned behavior) and would get angry or like a zombie when my BW wanted to talk about something serious. Totally understand where you're coming from. Being vulnerable can be quite frightening until you start to see the results, which are closeness and intimacy on a level that was almost impossible to imagine.

Being vulnerable can be quite frightening until you start to see the results, which are closeness and intimacy on a level that was almost impossible to imagine.

Yes, I want to underline this because it’s so trie. A little bit of education, awareness and effort and it was soon obvious that I had more control and input into all my relationships than I had ever guessed. I mean I can’t control everyone or even a lot of things but seeing how much can come from taking those steps forward has been very satisfying and fulfilling.

We can’t tell you if she is the right partner for you but you will never know until you learn how to be a better partner. And that will tell you so much. The clarity that comes from being intentional and observing results you get with different intentional actions is amazing. The key is those actions being as authentic as possible.

My problem was being intentional to do the things I thought were expected, or would yield a positive reaction. But when you are masking who you are to either please or manipulate someone you can’t derive clarity from that. My intentions were good, but doing things that align with who I am was a game changer because it finally reveals I was loved for myself and not for the role I was playing.

[This message edited by hikingout at 6:54 PM, Friday, August 2nd]

Welcome here brother...

You've received some good advice so far. And it's encouraging to hear that you're looking into understanding yourself. But you need to also understand that what you get out of a relationship is a function of what you and your partner put into it. She may or may not be the right person for you, but you'll never know if you're not the right person for yourself.

It's pretty normal to feel confused and like you're lost when you've fucked up this bad. But when your head is at a loss for what to do, sometimes the arm must serve. This means that if you want to save your relationship that you need to take action. You stabbed your partner in the back. Now, you're not continuing to stab her (which is good!), but that knife needs to be taken out, your partner needs to heal, and you need to actively work to rebuild the trust and put plans in place to ensure that this doesn't happen again.

What can you do to fix all of this? What concrete actions and steps forward can you take? Counseling is a good start, but there's plenty more things you can do.

Put yourself in your partner's shoes and think about what you would need to feel safe and secure in reconciling if the roles were reversed. Really try to empathise with what she might be going through. Start taking some of those actions. And even better - ask her what she needs and really, really listen to her. She may or may not want to reconcile - and that's her decision to make for herself. But try to understand her needs for reconciling, try to understand her needs for the relationship, take action based on that, and you just might find that you come to understand the value of what you can build together. Don't give up on yourself.

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate the guidance

Thanks for the advice everyone.

Sadly my partner and I have decided to break up, I've moved out and I'm looking forward to going to councilling / therapy soon.

Again, thanks for the advice and support, I appreciate it.

SKU - sorry things have not gone the way you hoped, but this, as you know, was always a possibility.
Please don’t stop working on yourself - the road to becoming the person you want to be is hard, but so so worth it.

Best of luck in your healing and continued growth.

My problem was being intentional to do the things I thought were expected, or would yield a positive reaction. But when you are masking who you are to either please or manipulate someone you can’t derive clarity from that. My intentions were good, but doing things that align with who I am was a game changer because it finally reveals I was loved for myself and not for the role I was playing.

Oof. As always, hikingout, it's like you're speaking directly to me.

It’s common pleasebefixable. And honing in on what is authentic to you is just something that requires practice and intention. It’s hardest to do at the stage you re in now because you are trying to hold it all together to save your relationship and that does require sacrifice and doing things above and beyond for your H. But if you strike a balance you will find that you can do both. It’s scary at first. But on the other side of it is finally allowing yourself to love and be loved. Keep going!

Thanks, hikingout. I'm working on recovovery in S.L.A.A. and something people talk about, that I can relate to, is how when you start examining your addiction you worry there won't be anything left when you get rid of it because you've shaped the whole way you interact with the world around it. I'm trying to find little bits of the "real" me and work on rebuilding the rest in a healthy way.