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Wayward Side :
Is it too little too late?

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 Remorsefulrose (original poster new member #85009) posted at 2:52 PM on Tuesday, July 2nd, 2024

I’ve been isolated and alone since I came clean to my husband about a brief affair I had. It was one person only 5 times. Each one I regret instantly. I put an end to it immediately. I knew in my heart and mind I was never going to leave my husband and I want to make our marriage work. In order to do that I knew I had to be open and honest. I told him the truth not because I was caught forced or guilted into it. Yes I feel guilty remorseful, accountability, responsibility and ashamed. I also take 100% accountable and responsibly for my error in judgement and actions. I understand completely how devastating this is for him. I acknowledge this breech has deeply affected the relationship. We have been together 16 married 11. At first he wanted to work it out then he didn’t. My intuition said that there was something off with this hasty decision. I did look into logs and well he had been speaking to an ex before I came to him with the truth. This person has been a torn in our relationship side. He had an emotional affair with her months leading to our wedding. I did not discover this until 3 months after we married and he only came clean because I found proof undeniable proof. I wanted to end to marriage immediately, but after much pleading and talking on his part he convinced me that he was wrong sorry and it would never happen again. She was gone he cut her off. She married and I thought that was the end of her involvement. Now here I am a decade and half later and she is back. Now my husband is dead set on a divorce. She is divorcing her partner as well conveniently 5 days after my husband left me. This leaves me with a horrible sense that this entire time he had been keeping a door opened in case our relationship went south. Why do I feel that way. By the way he speaks of her now. When I meet him she was a cheater who left him for the man she would eventually marry. Now he wants to rewrite history and claim it was an amicable split. This I believe is to save her face in his family’s eyes. They weren’t particularly fond of her either. The speed of which this went, he was a devoted husband he would do anything and everything he could to make me smile laugh and be happy and feel safety and loved. The family is also puzzled by these events as they too are confused by the immediate change in attitude and behavior towards me. I know that a lot of this is heavily influenced by my confession of the affair, possibly drug use on his part and the other woman in his ear. If this was a random person I could understand that. This is an ex from 21+ years ago! I’m baffled and I have no one to talk to about this incredibly painful and emotional mind boggling situation. The manner in which he speaks or communicates with me is beyond icy. I’ve seen him treat people who don’t deserve it with better skill than with me. He acts as if we never happen. We talk about finances but that’s it. I’ve not spoken to a single male since I end the affair. And other than a therapist I don’t talk to anyone. I’m isolated. Cut off from family I once thought would be my ride or dies. My husband has also explained to me that he has always had feelings for her. That the love he had for me over took those feelings for her. But now he is in love with her. Always was?! I’m just lost in a cloud of was it real was it not real. Is he doing this to hurt me and get back at me. Will he regret how hastily he abandoned our marriage. I’m not perfect I have a lot of work to do on myself to get back to the core of who I am and the values I hold. several events in the last two years led to these errors in my judgment. I abandoned myself. There is no reason or explanation that makes what I did appropriate in any manner. All I can say is when this affair happened, I was suffering from severe low self-esteem, and due to the extenuating circumstances I made a huge mistake. It is not much different than that of a person who turns to alcohol or drugs or gambling or shopping or self harm or to sex. It was merely a distraction from feeling the despair of my families hurt. There was no emotion involved. I never cared for the person I was having the affair with. It was literally as if we were on auto pilot. I do love my husband deeply and want the best for him. My indiscretion no one else is to blame except for me and the man I had the affair with. To put it into perspective, our family have been dealing with one particular, family member and his addiction to drugs. That led my husband to become angry and depressed about his brothers actions, especially because he has a son, and we were unable to conceive children naturally. Naturally, that started pushing us away from each other rather than bringing us together. One night in October due to an excess amount of alcohol, my husband lashed out at me and physically laid hands on me. Since then we had been struggling even more. I do not believe he meant to hurt me, and I believe that he has been repressing all of his feelings and anger towards his brother and has been lashing out on me. Again, nothing excuses what I’ve done, but these are the circumstances that we were in the midst of. I am 1000% committed to going through anything, and everything necessary to bring healing to my marriage and start a new. I accept the fact that the two people who were in this marriage are no longer alive and have been burned to ash, but from the ashes I would like to rise as a phoenix a brand new marriage brand new people, but deeper love. But I’m afraid is it too little too late help sad

posts: 3   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2024   ·   location: NY
id 8841332

SI Staff ( Moderator #10) posted at 3:44 PM on Tuesday, July 2nd, 2024

  Moving to Wayward Side

posts: 10034   ·   registered: May. 30th, 2002
id 8841336

SI Staff ( Moderator #10) posted at 3:49 PM on Tuesday, July 2nd, 2024

I took staff-action to move your thread from General to the Wayward forum.

This site can be rough and we have posters in varying stages of recovery. Hearing from a wayward can rub some people the wrong way and General offers you very little protection from comments that would probably be deemed unhelpful in any way or form.
Here in this forum posters need to adhere to the guidelines and rules of this particular forum:

A forum for all Former WS's who have ended or trying to end their affairs and are striving to reconcile. BS's are not to start threads asking questions of the WS's. Discussions about this forum, participating members, or topics contained are prohibited outside of this forum. Being disrespectful to this forum, members, or this description will result in your losing access without warning.

The BS that want to HELP – even if that help might sound rough – can contribute within the guidelines and rules. Those that are still sensitive and might lash out or post non-constructive comments... Staff has more power to swat them away in this forum.

posts: 10034   ·   registered: May. 30th, 2002
id 8841339

SI Staff ( Moderator #10) posted at 4:22 PM on Tuesday, July 2nd, 2024

OP started thread with same name and STOP sign in Wayward. Lock this one.

posts: 10034   ·   registered: May. 30th, 2002
id 8841345
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