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Newest Member: cobblerock

New Beginnings :
Boundaries in new relationships after infidelity


 Stayinghopefull2 (original poster new member #84460) posted at 12:18 AM on Monday, July 1st, 2024

How do we know the difference between red flags or things that are acceptable in a relationship after experiencing infidelity? I was with my WH (Now deceased) for 27 years. He was a serial cheater and I have horrible trust issues. He told me he loved me and would change however none of it was true. I have only dated one man since my WH passed. One and a half years into our relationship I found out he text an old girlfriend (supposedly only responded once, then deleted and blocked because he realized it was wrong). For the life of me I cannot get past this. To the point that I have ended things with him and it’s so hard. He keeps saying he is sorry, and he loves me blah blah blah. I just am tired of giving someone a second, third, forth chance. Is texting an old girlfriend a year and a half into a relationship wrong? Is that a deal breaker? I’m really struggling. He has been my only relationship since my WH passed. sad

[This message edited by Stayinghopefull2 at 12:23 AM, Monday, July 1st]

posts: 8   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2024
id 8841234

leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 2:10 PM on Tuesday, July 2nd, 2024

The concerning part to me is him hiding the conversation and deleting it. There's a reason why they're an ex, so I don't go looking. I might give some wiggle room if it were catching up on the kids or old HS friends, but the secrecy is what would really bother me. Those who have nothing to hide hide nothing goes a long way in my book.

Are you still in IC? If not, why not go back and cover what is acceptable to you in a relationship. You may want to read Not Just Friends because it covers a lot of territory.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3567   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8841329

EvenKeel ( member #24210) posted at 2:55 PM on Tuesday, July 2nd, 2024

How do we know the difference between red flags or things that are acceptable in a relationship after experiencing infidelity?

I spent a lot of time reminding myself to judge the guys in my NB by THEIR actions (not to hold them responsible from my ex's actions). That is hard to do, but it served me well.

I found out he text an old girlfriend

How did you find out? What did he say the text(s) said, etc?

Is that a deal breaker?

We each have our own deal breakers so only can decide that. I think the fact that you ended it/can't get past it says it is clearly a deal-breaker for you. You are the gatekeeper for your heart; I am proud of you.

posts: 6903   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2009   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8841333

 Stayinghopefull2 (original poster new member #84460) posted at 11:11 PM on Wednesday, July 3rd, 2024

Thank you both for your reply’s. I found out because he was out of town and took a picture of his hotel room and had his laptop out with the texts showing. So of course I zoom in to see. And I see he’s texting three other women. Two were supposedly about looking for a job. And the one was an old girlfriend. He said he deleted it from his phone but not his computer. The day I saw it I remember having the same feeling I did when I found out WH was texting other women. Just devastated. So you bring up a good point. I’m not sure if I’m bringing up past trauma or if this is really a deal breaker. We are still currently not technically together anymore although he wants to be. I think I’m still dealing with the pain of WH sudden death and also don’t want to settle for someone with weak boundaries. I’m probably being too hard on the guy. But I just don’t want to get hurt again.

[This message edited by Stayinghopefull2 at 11:13 PM, Wednesday, July 3rd]

posts: 8   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2024
id 8841448

Queen ( member #52391) posted at 5:18 PM on Monday, July 15th, 2024

Well, I can tell you that I've never regretted having boundaries that are "too strong". But, I have regretted letting men get away with things that bothered me. He hid talking to someone from you. In my opinion, that's all you really need to know. Do you want to be with someone who hides things? Someone that you feel that you'll have to watch. Imagine the relationship you want. Imagine how safe you could feel if it was someone you could trust.

*edited for spelling error*

[This message edited by Queen at 5:19 PM, Monday, July 15th]

posts: 102   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2016
id 8842644
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