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Newest Member: Daughterofthemosthigh

Reconciliation :
Bad day - but does it get better?

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 Trix123 (original poster new member #84713) posted at 2:29 PM on Sunday, June 30th, 2024

Today is a hard day. My story is on here but basically my husband got caught having an Emotional Affair with my very close friend at Christmas. Its been 6 months now post DD, and he is doing everything he can to change.

Depression has and does play a large part in what happened and why he did what he did, Ive been following the 'Depression fallout' board by Anne and I know EA are common in depressed men. I was also not to blame and our lives had got more complicated with less effort. I needed to charge too.

But Im still struggling. As far as I know (and I do believe him) no contact has been made with HER, He said he does not miss her at all, he seems happier these days, he seems to be truthful when I ask him things (even when we know it will hurt, its all about being honest) and working massively on himself fighting the depression through IC and MC. I also have my own therapy (which said I need to focus on the NOW and see the work he is doing NOW.

We are moving forward and we are good BUT Im still so scared to let my guard down and totally commit. Im terrified that she comes back into our lives (she is our neighbour just to make things worse) Im scared that he misses her (he said he doesnt, she was there for comfort and to talk to when the Depression made him hate me) Im scared that he will leave us for her and the pain comes back (I was left with PTDS after finding out about them which was awful and I cant have that feeling return), Im scared that he will turn around and say its been 6 months and Ive worked out now I do want her, Im scared if he goes back into a depressed state again that he will reach out for her again (this is a woman who has has multiple affairs and the morals of a gutter rat)

Some days I just want to run away, some days Im left so heartbroken, others day angry (how DARE these people play with our hearts and lives like this.

Just needing a hand hold today and advice on does it get better? Is it just time? Do you think after 6 months we would have made contact with her by now if he wanted to?

Such a mess...............

posts: 11   ·   registered: Apr. 8th, 2024   ·   location: England
id 8841197
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HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 3:00 PM on Sunday, June 30th, 2024

which said I need to focus on the NOW and see the work he is doing NOW.

…BUT Im still so scared

That’s a wise strategy, focusing on NOW. All fear is of the future, and when you focus on right now, on being present in the moment, then the fear is gone. You will never fear what is happening right now, it is just happening.

But there is a reason you have to have a therapist to tell you to do that, because it is pushing against the long history of thinking about the past and worrying about the future. You are being asked to fundamentally change how you operate, and that takes effort.

Here’s the good news, if you focus on your own healing, it will get better for you whether the things you fear come true or not. It will get better for you. The key is to focus on your own healing. When you are strong and resilient, it doesn’t matter what’s going to happen in the future, you are going to be OK.

Sending strength!

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 3:17 PM, Sunday, June 30th]

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 3252   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8841199
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HellIsNotHalfFull ( member #83534) posted at 7:07 PM on Sunday, June 30th, 2024

It will always hurt, but time does allow the pain to become just another part of your life.

It’s only 6 months, you are maybe just now over the initial shock, maybe. Your feet haven’t really even landed back on the ground after this explosion.

First, no matter what happens you’re going to be ok, and you will only be stronger on the other side.

What time does, it allows the shock to subside, and it allows you to see the truth. You didn’t cause the affair. You are enough.
You are not responsible for his actions. He isn’t worth a second chance but you are still strong enough to give him one.

Let go of if 6 months is enough time for him to break NC. If he wants to break NC he will. If he wants to have another affair he will. Don’t move to goal post. He already cheated. That’s it, there is no more "do it again" and he’s gone. Treat this as though the marriage is over because it is. You aren’t divorced legally but cheating is divorce. R is rebuilding with someone who proved they aren’t a good partner. It’s up to them to show that is not true anymore.

Don’t worry about feelings or anything like that, 6 months is way way too soon. Eventually it will have to come down, but you are no where near ready. Especially since you’re in R.

That will take time before you can there and that is ok

Me mid 40s BH
Her 40s STBX WW
3 year EA 1 year PA.
DDAY 1 Feb 2022. DDAY 2 Jun 2022. DDAY 3/4/5/6/7 July 2024
Nothing but abuse and lies and abuse false R for three years. Divorcing and never looking back.

posts: 488   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2023   ·   location: U.S.
id 8841213
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standinghere ( member #34689) posted at 1:05 AM on Monday, July 1st, 2024

Yes, the fallout from depression and the events that occur with depression as well as treatment of it are very real. That's no excuse, does give you an understanding of what happened in part. It does not explain the entire situation, however.

The other part that isn't necessarily known, is why during the depression did your spouse reach out to someone outside of their home, outside of their spouse. It usually has to do with something besides the depression. Family of origin issues, poor coping skills, other things in addition to the depression.

When my FWS was depressed, she started talking to other people about how unhappy she was, with me, marriage, family, life, etc. it was during one of her episodes that she ran into her affair partner, who was all too willing to tell her how wonderful she was, how great she was, and as she was being treated for her depression, and was actually improving, with a medication adjustment, this just fueled her sense that I was the problem, and she just started doing whatever felt good, without regard for the consequences.

There was a lot more to the story, however. There were dysfunctional behaviors that went along with her depressed and non-depressed state. There were a lot of family of origin issues, some of which she had never talked about, in our then 9 years of marriage. There was a whole bunch of stuff that she never told me that occurred before we met.

In marital counseling, after the affair was disclosed, the stuff slowly started to come out over the following couple of years. Close

Your mileage may vary, but you are very close to this disclosure. My wife did not begin to actually tell the truth about pretty much anything until six months plus into marital counseling, on our second marriage counselor. We had gone to marital counseling the year that the affair occurred, and absolutely not a single thing came out. She would not even speak to her individual counselors about it. It wasn't until she made a breakthrough with our second marital counseling episode after D-Day, 9 years later, that she started actually telling the truth to her individual counselor as well.

The "Whys" are very hard to get to. My wife didn't even really understand why she had done many of the things she had done. It took her a long time to get to that point.

Good luck with this, I would not trade places with anybody in the first six months after disclosure of an affair to save my life. Been there, done that, I know the hell you are in. Keep working on things, keep understanding it has nothing to do with you, it has nothing to do with your marriage, it has everything to do with the person that you were married to, and their internal demons.

FBH - Me - Betrayal in late 30's (now much older)
FWS - Her - Affair in late 30's (now much older )
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled BUT!

posts: 1655   ·   registered: Jan. 31st, 2012   ·   location: USA
id 8841240
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