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Newest Member: Daughterofthemosthigh

Reconciliation :
Statistics and Others

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 Webbit (original poster member #84517) posted at 8:37 PM on Saturday, June 22nd, 2024

I don’t know why over the last couple of days reading some posts here are making me sad and making me second guess the choices I have made.

It makes me so angry that these WH’s blame us and say sorry but do nothing other than a few words to fix the shit hole they created. Some just ‘show remote’ when it suits them and use the good nature of the BS to help them with issues, such as health before going back to there original arsehole ways.

Then there is the ones who have given second chances and just throw it back in your face by cheating again (and again in some instances).

It just makes me wonder why we even try to stay. Why do they even deserve a second chance in the first place. The statistics are not in the BS favor at all!!!! I hate the thought that I’m staying, going through all this pain for him just to do it all again in the future. I know this isn’t new but I guess for me this overpowering feel of doubt is very strong at the moment.

The main reasons I stayed are for practical reasons (kids and money) but also the knowledge I still care for this man and hope that one day the love will return and that’s been working well. But today ….. not so much. It just honestly does not feel worth it.

[This message edited by Webbit at 8:41 PM, Saturday, June 22nd]

Webbit

posts: 84   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2024   ·   location: Australia
id 8840556
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Groot1988 ( member #84337) posted at 9:26 PM on Saturday, June 22nd, 2024

You and I both have had a few rough days. I’m so sorry.

I think statistics at this stage should kind of be not taken too seriously this early in our healing. Just my opinion. Only you can decide whether your H is doing the work. Just some advice , some days I can’t read here. I’ll explain below.

My H is doing the work, he is doing counseling , gave up porn, quit his job, bought brand new vehicles , booked our family a vacation , etc.

it only takes one bad post here for me to completely lose my shit and flip on him and want to give up. I feel the pain of others and then all the work my H doesn’t matter because I end up hating him for everything here he COULD do.

If you’re truly going to give R a chance you have to read here and tread very, very carefully. We all are different and what fits one WS may not fit yours.

When I first came here basically everyone told me to run and leave, there was no hope etc. pick and choose what you know fits your story ( we don’t truly know everything about each other).

I have been given good advice and I’ve been given advice that while it’s good it doesn’t fit our story. I think we all have. we all just try the best we can to be there for each other.

Now if you’re only staying for the kids and finances , I get that. Is your H doing the work? Besides reading here what has triggered your feelings these past few days?

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 9:28 PM, Saturday, June 22nd]

Married 5 years (together 11) Four children Me Bs 36Him WH 35- 4 month PA Dday Oct 6- lots of TT final disclosure Jan 16.

"If we walk through hell we might as well hold hands, we should make this a home"- citizen soldier

posts: 347   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2024   ·   location: Darker side of gray
id 8840564
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LittleRedRobin23 ( new member #84806) posted at 10:56 PM on Saturday, June 22nd, 2024

I feel this so much!! Why do people stay when clearly they aren’t happy. But I think when you’ve been with someone for a long period you don’t stop loving them straight away, it’s not a switch that is turned off even after a betrayal and I think that’s what keeps us here longer than is healthy.

Reading all of these posts on SI is heartbreaking as I can feel the anguish of people’s words yet they’ve stayed in the same situation with the partner who betrayed them - because they apologise and pull their finger out their arse doesn’t discount what they’ve done and I’m leaning so much to the too little too late camp… oh thanks you want me NOW but why did it take you 4 years with someone else realise that.

Like groot says we all have to do what works for us and take bits of advice that fit our situation as everyone’s is slightly different but the crux of it is, if you’re honest with yourself will you be happier longer term to be free from the pain that’s been caused by the one person meant to love and protect you, or do we ‘get over it’ and ‘let it go’ in order to try and live as fulfilling a life as possible with our cheating partner. (Obviously not in such a literal sense). Only we know the answer (I’m still struggling and each day I lean a different way but tbh I think I’m fighting my gut instinct which is that I should have let us stay parted last year but I guess it’s all a lesson somehow!)

Unfortunately as well, I think I’m still living with the hope and the version of the relationship I thought we’d have rather than accepting the reality of what it is. We all come to our own realties in our own time but we don’t deserve to live a half life or a half love - life is too short. We are the main characters of our life yet the pain and devestation caused by betrayal makes us forget that. Or maybe that’s just me and I’m projecting/generalising but the vibe I get from a lot of the comments on this forum is people are suffering (quite justifiably) and are still with the betraying partner.

I read a quote recently which I love that says ‘play with the hand you’ve been dealt like it’s the hand you wanted’ and another about when a person shows you who they are; believe them.

Also I feel like being clouded by our love for our partners makes us forget logic (I know this all too well). Take emotion out and list out the facts of the situation on paper and you might look at things differently. You might say ok fine, that’s happened but it could have been xyz so I’m going to draw a line and set new boundaries or you might say, wow when you look at all that why would someone want to stay and then look at an exit strategy. Like so many have advised having a break up doesn’t mean forever and it might give space for both partners to heal and make a more informed well rounded decision about staying or leaving. I don’t know how we are mean’t to heal without a break when there’s so many triggers remaining in the relationship / house/ job etc.

I wish I was strong enough to take my own advice. I feel like I’m waiting for the universe or someone else to do it all for me but only I can help myself through this mess.

Sending love to you. It’s not fair we’ve been left with such scrambled heads!!

Did not sign up for this shitshow

posts: 45   ·   registered: Apr. 30th, 2024
id 8840570
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HellIsNotHalfFull ( member #83534) posted at 12:30 AM on Sunday, June 23rd, 2024

No shortage of husbands with cheating wives here. And no shortage of BHs whose cheating wife continues to blame shift, not take accountability, and continue to see AP or find another. It’s not "WHs" it’s cheaters in general.

Don’t move the goal post. It doesn’t matter if he does it again, he already cheated on you. Cheating is picking divorce without telling the other spouse. Period. Let go of the "if he does it again then I’ll leave" mentality. No, it’s if he wants any chance of us still being together he will do these things and I will see if I want to.

No cheater deserves R, no matter what. Doesn’t matter if they are the most remorseful cheater in the world. They already ended the relationship when they decided to cheat.

He may do it again, absolutely. It’s a risk. You can’t focus on that because you can’t control it. Focus on healing, and remembering he should be moving heaven and earth to even have the chance to stay with you. If he isn’t, then you know you’re worth way more than that and should make your decision accordingly.

Me mid 40s BH
Her 40s STBX WW
3 year EA 1 year PA.
DDAY 1 Feb 2022. DDAY 2 Jun 2022. DDAY 3/4/5/6/7 July 2024
Nothing but abuse and lies and abuse false R for three years. Divorcing and never looking back.

posts: 488   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2023   ·   location: U.S.
id 8840581
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Groot1988 ( member #84337) posted at 12:55 AM on Sunday, June 23rd, 2024

Little Red Robin.

I read a quote recently which I love that says ‘play with the hand you’ve been dealt like it’s the hand you wanted’ and another about when a person shows you who they are; believe them.

Thank you. I love this.
All I can focus on is this is the shittiest hand ever but it is in fact my hand.

Married 5 years (together 11) Four children Me Bs 36Him WH 35- 4 month PA Dday Oct 6- lots of TT final disclosure Jan 16.

"If we walk through hell we might as well hold hands, we should make this a home"- citizen soldier

posts: 347   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2024   ·   location: Darker side of gray
id 8840588
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OnTheOtherSideOfHell ( member #82983) posted at 3:11 PM on Sunday, June 23rd, 2024

Infidelity sucks no matter what you do. It’s so colossally unfair. I have a friend who left after husband’s second affair and although she does not regret the divorce, she is 17 years out and is still incredibly bitter about how he derailed her life and retirement plans. She even hates having to see her grandchildren less and knowing his new wife is rocking them at times instead of her. The destruction infidelity causes really should be a criminal offense as a deterrent. It’s every bit and often more traumatizing than a random attack on the street. I know this doesn’t really address your question, but my point is why stay? Why go? Choose the shit that smells the least for YOU and make the best of it.

posts: 205   ·   registered: Feb. 28th, 2023   ·   location: SW USA
id 8840627
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