SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband and I have been together for 28 years, married for 18 and we have 3 kids. Last year while on holiday I used his phone as I had lost mine, only to discover he had a second email address. I asked about it and he of course lied about it’s true purpose. I looked again and decided to do a search in all mail to discover notifications from woman on sex sites. I managed to get into his profile which had his picture, DOB, and a description of what he was looking for, a discreet affair, to match his high sex drive, and how he would rock their world. I threw his phone at him and asked him to explain but he just had this dumb look on his face and denied it was his account. We spent the remaining 3 days on holiday not talking. He simply ignored me. Once we got home I confronted him. He denied it all again, swore up and down his account was hacked. A month later I went to visit my mom who has terminal cancer and the family joined shortly after. Again I take his phone and find payment receipts from a site called {edited by SI Staff}. He then admits that he did chat to woman but it was all PG, just ranting on abt life etc. of course I knew that was lie, it’s a sex site. He said he joined it because I wasn’t giving him enough attention, showed him no affection and I didn’t prioritize him enough. We get home and shortly after I decided to check his work computer. While he slept I searched his email, found the site and changed his password. I was up all night reading the shit that man decided to share with at least 30 different woman. All very explicit, practically begging them to meet up for sex and some sort of long term affair. He even gave a few woman his email and cell number. Based on the messages he didn’t actually meet up with any of them as they wanted to get to know him first. I can’t describe how I felt that day… my whole world just came crashing down. He had nothing nice to say abt me and our family, just went on about his loveless sexless marriage which was absolutely untrue. He kept telling them abt our sex life which made some of them question him out right but most had no problem potentially hooking up with a married man. He was chatting to young woman who had no kids. I work so hard to provide for our family so it is not all on him. I do so much for him, the kids and our home when he couldn’t care less. So I waited for him to wake up and confronted him. He was clearly in shock but admitted what he had done and apologized. He said he was weak and made a big mistake, and that he wanted to stay married and work on rebuilding the trust. He admitted that he was on various sites, and even considered hookers while travelling. We separated for a while and started talking more. He was open to listening to my emotional outbursts and assured me he has changed and would never do it again. He ended up spending over $1000 buying credits to chat with these woman, on our birthdays, anniversary etc. the proof was all there. I told him to just leave but he wouldn’t. I asked him to stop with the porn and the unrealistic expectations he had developed. I had to explain to him how much I was hurting, how I have felt throughout our marriage, what made me unhappy. But I didn’t stray, not once. There isn’t one day where the thought of what he did or tried to do doesn’t cross my mind. The betrayal I felt and still feel is overwhelming. I get triggered when he dresses up for work, or sits on his phone for hours, or goes off anywhere without me. Fast forward three months to now and I look at his phone again only to discover that he created a profile on a swingers site just a month ago and he is back to watching porn again. I am so angry and sad. I have no idea what to do. We have so much history, and no family or close friends that I can lean on for support, and I don’t want to hurt our kids by divorcing. I am just a shell of the woman I used to be. My head is telling me to move on but my heart wants to hold on. How am I not enough for this man.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:31 AM, Thursday, June 13th]

Can I just start by saying I am so sorry to hear you are in this situation.

You are not only enough but far too good for this man.

There are a lot of people here who will give you really good advice, I’m just feeling my way through the first year after my WH affair. But I will say this……

Since the affair he had I have realised how pathetic my husband was and disgusting his actions were and that is no reflection on me, only him. And this is the same for you. He is the problem.

I also know for me, if my WH had made another attempt at cheating it would be all over. Hell he has been a ‘good’ WS in that he is doing everything right to fix this shit situation he caused and some days I still feel
Like calling it quits.

Please know you are not alone and we are all here to listen and share advice and experiences together x

Very, very sorry to read of your situation. You are in the right place to receive support. Read in the healing library and pinned threads. Lots of good info there. Get tested for STD’s. You can not be sure that your WH never met any of these women in person. How incredibly cruel and selfish to continue to pursue other women despite seeing your pain and anguish. You need not be a martyr to keep your family together. Always value yourself. Take care of yourself. Be there for your children. I advise seeing an attorney to learn your rights. Divorce is hard on a family and children, but isn’t it worse for the children to live in a dysfunctional, unhappy place with an intact family? I lived it. It is awful. Implement the 180 and stop doing things for him. Remember, your WH is a broken selfish person at this time. You deserve better. You deserve a partner you can trust. Good luck.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:14 AM, Wednesday, June 12th]

He is showing you what his priorities are.

He appears to be a serial cheater in that he doesn’t seem to stop. It may be he’s been cheating on you longer than you even know. But he’s clearly crossed the line here and out his selfish needs first.

He needs professional help. As do you. You need someone to support you / who understands infidelity trauma.

Welcome to SI and so sorry you are here. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that are very helpful. Also, there are some posts with bull's eye icons that are very good. The Healing Library has a lot of great information and includes the list of acronyms we use.

He didn't make a mistake. A mistake is forgetting to grab a gallon of milk at the store. He made deliberate, conscious decisions to betray you and hide the information. Add to that all of the lying and rewriting of marital history and sharing that with random strangers....

I'm the ICR (I Can Relate) forum, there is a thread for emotionless infidelity. It sounds like he maybe had random hook ups rather than a short-term or long-term A (affair).

Please go to your doctor and be tested for STDs because there are some nasty things out there. If you're having trouble with depression or sleeping, ask for meds. They can help you through this rough patch.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful.

You are faithful, you are loving, you are giving and you are more than enough. Your WH (wayward husband) is the one who is lacking.

[This message edited by leafields at 11:20 PM, Wednesday, June 12th]

Im so sorry you are going though this. When we see our WHs talk about us and our marriages in such negative ways, it's so painful to see. You cant help but wonder if they really feel that way or if they make it sound worse for sympathy. Ive dealt with similar issues with my STBX. We got through it once, but he went back to it not long after. In your WHs case, the money and time to set up accounts, talk to so many women, and try and meet them is scary. Im so sorry he didnt see what a gift you gave him after the first discovery. I know how hard this all is. I had many friends and family members act like since there was nothing physical it wasnt cheating. Im here to tell you it is. You let him know what was and was not acceptable and he disregarded your feelings. He doesnt deserve you.

Nothing he has done has anything to do with who you are or are not.
They choose to do what they want because they are broken. Do not feel shame. Do not say if only I.....because that's a lie.
He didn't do the things he has done because you weren't attentive or demanded too much were too thin or too heavy. It's all bullshit they say to justify their actions and it is garbage.

Do see your Dr. Get full std/sti testing that means a pelvic and blood work. Do get a referral for a therapist that specializes in trauma. Do let your dr know if you aren't sleeping or eating. Get some protein shakes and a high quality multivitamin abd get that in ya daily if nothing else.
Do see an attorney get an understanding of what D or S looks like for you. You can't make an informed decision about what is next without information.
Lastly figure out what your absolutes are and if he is unwilling or unable to do those things make a plan to change.

This is so similar to the shenanigans I caught my fWH in ten years prior to his physical affairs. If you click on the little person icon in the upper right of this post, you'll find more about it in my profile.. along with how therapy utterly failed to solve the problem, hence the additional cheating.

You are right in your suspicions that this behavior develops unhealthy expectations regarding sex and marriage. Worse though, it normalizes pornography in such a way as to destroy emotional intimacy within the relationship (and thus ruins any chance at a satisfying sex life for either of you). The WS who gets involved in this kind of lifestyle believes that s/he is the normal one and the betrayed mate is just a prude.

Like you, I found the accounts and the emails, so yeah... it's devastating. But you know this is NOT your fault. Nothing you could do or not do, say or not say, can make another person betray their own values, and that's what this is all about really. It's about character. As you'll see in my profile, I bought into all the excuses, the "unmet needs" fallacy. We got into therapy and worked on the relationship, blah, blah, blah. Ten years later, he was back at it again, because....

MARRIAGES DON'T CHEAT. PEOPLE DO.

Inside your WH, just like mine was, is a man who only pays lip service to his personal code of ethics. His values of Fidelity and Honesty are infirm. There's nothing inside him which puts a full STOP to cheating and lying.
When he tells you that he wasn't getting a, b, or c from you at home, what he's telling you is not just that he feels like he DESERVES these things, but that his behavior is predicated upon yours.
He's not a man of his word. His espoused beliefs are of no more significance than his arbitrary whims.

Like you, we all beat ourselves up, giving at least some credence to the excuses we hear from our WS. It all sounds so plausible. Maybe s/he really did need more sex or more attention or more blah-blah? we torment ourselves. But I promise you, having been where you are and having bought into all the bullshit...

CHEATING IS ABOUT THE CHEATER.

Your WH needs to change. He needs to learn how to actually stand for the things he claims to stand for. If he wants to stand for pornography and hook-ups, he needs to be man enough to own it. If not, he needs to remediate his relationship with his own values system because...

WE PROTECT WHAT WE VALUE.

His words told you one thing, but you see that his actions speak the truth. If he valued his promises to you, his marriage, his family dynamic, his reputation, etc., his actions would reflect that. Right now, he values the addictive chemical rush he gets from his pursuit of pornography and sex. THAT is what he values.

The day after I broke into those accounts, I saw an attorney and when I called my fWH home from work, I told him I was divorcing him. We've only got one tool in our arsenal when it comes to demanding more from our mate, and that is our utter REFUSAL to accept less than what we deserve. I was unprepared for the onslaught of tears and snot-bubbled promises to change. I allowed my compassion and my desire to hold onto the status quo move me to accepting a form of therapy that doesn't even make sense when we examine it more closely. It took me nearly five years to recover from the same kind of betrayal you're describing now, and it wasn't really fixed so I just ended up going through that and worse a decade later.

This obsessive/compulsive interactive porn thing doesn't get better on its own. That's my experience and it's also my observation. There's a biochemical cocktail released within the body which pleasures the reward center of the brain and over time bigger risks are required for bigger rewards. It's a snowball rolling downhill and it doesn't stop until there's something INSIDE a WS which prioritizes better boundaries.

I'm sorry you needed to join this club no one wants to be a member of, but glad you found us.
It really does help to hear from people who understand.

My wifes phone, snapchat, tinder, Telegramand email were all hacked............as fucken if.