Hey HoP!
I find a lot of people here are desperately scared of having a better marriage after the A because that could then be considered to imply that the A was OK or even A Good Thing...
This is a critical aspect for anyone reading here in the R section too.
We only need accept the facts of what happened, we need NOT to be good with that.
I don't know how many times people responded to my posts assuming I must be fine with the whole idea of infidelity in order to move on.
Not at all.
As I say anytime anyone asks - I will always hate the A, I will always hate what happened.
What I hope people understand, the most important lesson I have learned in life is I get to choose my response to trauma. Not right away, it takes time to process the shock and awe, the emotional impact. However, once I had my feet back on the ground, I can choose joy instead of misery.
...which reveals just how much people tend to live their lives in the past, driving forward but staring at the rear view mirror. They will sacrifice even an attempt at future happiness to avoid even a perception that the negative story about the past isn’t as negative as it appears, because if the story is wrong, and they are that story, then who are they?
Another really important point here.
And I have notices it's not just human who experience infidelity, lots of middle age or older adults still blame their childhood, or hold on to a previous trauma for DECADES.
I had a horrible childhood at times, I had a step-father who beat me for sport. It really did make me stronger. Kids shouldn't have to experience it, but another thing I repeat a lot is at some point, we all need to let the past be the past.
It's extra important for folks truly trying to reconcile. If all anyone sees in their spouse is the pain they caused (insert number of YEARS) in the past, there isn't a whole lot of room to move forward, with new better days and better moments.
But not you.
Or you.
You and other similar voices here at SI helped remind me where my focus should be.
