SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What he's doing to you is emotional abuse. If you look up the Illinois Valley Safe House Alliance, they have some really good articles under "Information on Abuse." Specifically read the ones on Emotional Abuse, Common Myths, and How to assess an Abuser’s Claims of Change.

Also remember that even if you don't have family support nearby, you can often find a women's shelter that will take you and your children in temporarily.

Here's an excerpt they include from Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does He Do That; Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men". These are questions to ask yourself if you think he has changed for the better:

* Has he learned to treat your opinions with respect, even when they differ strongly from his?
* Is he accepting of your right to express anger to him, especially when it involves his history of mistreating you?
* Is he respecting your right to freedom and independence? Does that include refraining from all interference with your friendships and giving up the demand to always know here you are and whom you are with?
* Has he stopped making excuses for his treatment of you, including your behavior as and excuse for his?
* Is he being respectful about sex, applying no pressure and engaging in no guilt trips?
* Has he stopped cheating and flirting with other women, or using other behaviors that keep you anxious that he will stray?
* Does he listen to your side in arguments without interrupting, and then make a serious effort to respond thoughtfully to your points, even if he doesn’t like them?
* Have you been free to raise your grievances, new or old, without retaliation from him?
* Has he stopped talking about his abuse as if it were an accident and begun to acknowledge that he used it to control you?
* Is he actually responding to your grievances and doing something about them (for example, changing the way he behaves towards your children)?
* Has he greatly reduced or eliminated the use of controlling behavior (such as sarcasm, rolling his eyes, loud disgusted sighs, talking over you, using the voice of ultimate authority, and other demonstrations of disrespect and superiority) during conversations or arguments?
* When he does slip back into controlling behavior, does he take you seriously when you complain about it and keep working on improving?
* Is he being consistent and responsible in his behavior, taking into account how his actions affect you without having to constantly be reminded?
* Is he acting noticeably less demanding, selfish and self-centered?
* Is he being fair and responsible about money, including allowing you to keep your own assets in your own name?
* Has he stopped any behaviors that you find threatening or intimidating?
* Has he significantly expanded his contribution to household and child-rearing responsibilities and stopped taking your domestic work for granted and treating you like a servant?
* Has he begun supporting your strengths rather than striving to undermine them?
* Have you had any major angry moments with him in which he has shown a new willingness to conduct himself non-abusively?

"No" answers to any of the above questions are signs of work that your partner still needs to do. If he is committed to changing, he will take you seriously when you voice your continued concerns and he will acknowledge that he needs to continue working on his attitudes and habits. On the other hand, if he is impatient with or critical of you for not being satisfied with the gestures of change he has already made, that is a sign that his overt abusive behaviors will be coming back before long.

To answer your question: no, it is not normal. Nor it is a healthy dynamic for you or your children.

I get the fear regarding what would happen if you split and have to co-parent and then you have to leave the children with him without you as a shield to take the brunt of his anger, drinking etc. That is something you definitely should get advice on, there may be ways round it. For example, I have worked in ‘contact centres’ where a parent is only allowed ‘supervised contact’ with their children. There were even procedures in place where the parent with custody would drop the children at one door of the building, and the ‘visiting’ parent would enter through another door.

But in the immediate future, I recommend keeping a log, perhaps on this thread, perhaps in a secure app on your phone, perhaps in emails to yourself, however you feel comfortable, of his behaviour towards you and the children. The reason I recommend writing it down is that you are then able to go back and remind yourself of incidents that you forget. It also helps you to spot patterns. I hear your self-doubt that your situation is as bad as you are being told it is. Keeping a log in black and white may help you see what is really happening.

I have not read every response but There is a book by Lundy Bancroft called ‘why does he do that?’. It is worth reading. He is abusive, you cannot fix him.

If you twist and turn yourself into a knot to behave correctly he will find another stick to beat you with. It may be because being abusive makes him feel something and he LIKES the way it makes him feel.

Just like cheaters want ego kibbles. Abusers get kibbles from being abusive.

He gets triggers from you getting counselling. He’s an arsehole. His mum appeared to have the measure of him.

Another book ‘women who love too much’.

You cannot love them into being faithful or kind.

What is stopping you leaving?

Thank you all, he is talking to me again without me having to grovel but is upset that I haven’t wanted to spend any time with him, I had to remind him of why I didn’t particularly want to 😣

Perdita, thank you so much that is really useful advice and good to document things as it often gets twisted. I think you are right when I am in it I don’t see this as particularly dangerous for me or the kids just hard to live with the ups and downs as he can be so supportive and the kids do love him and then equally he does things like happened above.

I also worry as I said what would happen if we spilt to him and the kids. Also I think sometimes I can be argumentative, I snap and shout and have a temper that I rarely lose unless really angry but when I do it is like a can of coke exploding and I haven’t managed my emotions or regulated myself very well and he has used this against me.

I think I just need to get myself in a better position. I am already so less dependent on him and I socialise now completely without him. and when I am like a grey rock things are better for me and the kids so need to keep trying not to react.

Thank you all for listening although hard at times, it helps stop me from over disclosing to people who know us and gives me more neutral advice.

[This message edited by Lemonpie at 5:03 PM, Wednesday, May 1st]

Why do you hold yourself to a higher standard of behavior than what you expect from him?

Why is he the only person in this relationship who is given the latitude to express himself however he pleases, no matter how much it hurts those around him?

Why doesn't he ever give you the benefit of the doubt (or make excuses for you) the way you do for him?