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Newest Member: Daughterofthemosthigh

Divorce/Separation :
Codependent fear and anxiety

Topic is Sleeping.
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 LiarliarNH1 (original poster new member #75646) posted at 2:51 AM on Tuesday, April 23rd, 2024

To start, I am not fearful of my life or my physical wellbeing.

I grew up with a very hard borderline mother, who still has my Dad and my stepdad in great anxiety and fear of her, through emotional manipulation, control and stress.

I couple of months ago I discovered my WH was deeper in the rabbit hole of infidelity than what he willingly confessed to me 4 years ago. I discovered a treasure trove of condoms, dirty underwear, videos, escorts, girls, accounts, snapchats, multiple appleID’s, and on and on.

After initial discovery, shock and horror, I sat with things for a couple of weeks and asked him to paint the picture for me. He didn’t like being the one not in control this time.

Since then, I have continued to document and collect information, gain an understanding of the nightmare, while getting legal advice, obtaining lawyers and a therapist, getting finances straight, filling out divorce paperwork preemptively, assessing a team of support friends, getting a storage unit, etc..

In the meantime, he’s been acting weirdly contrite, maintaining distance in his man cave, checking in throughout the day, and still snapchatting and pornhubbing away.

He has all but stopped his main social hobbies and barely connects with his 2 young sons from previous marriage, that we have several days of the week.

I worry that I will get lost in the weeds of planning, waiting for the right moment to say, "I want a divorce, here’s how I think it should go…"
But never actually doing it.

I’m absolutely terrified about him becoming a stubborn, shutdown and difficult to deal with as a high conflict individual. Especially since we live in the same house and I’m the one the kids go to for their basic and emotional needs being met.

I’m also struggling with his lying to his family members as a ruse to exert control and influence on other members of his family.

I feel like a complete coward for not acting more immediately. My therapist told me it takes, on average, 6 unsuccessful attempts to leave.

Anyone else have struggles?
Thx

BW 49 M 5 years
DDay1: October 9, 2020
DDay2: January 27, 2024
D in progress

posts: 6   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2020
id 8834436
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 10:45 PM on Tuesday, April 23rd, 2024

Yes, I did. There are several of us here who were master wafflers. (Waffling between the should I stay or should I go decision.) My XWH is a diagnosed covert narc, so I was trauma bonded which can often be labeled as being codependent.

Why not set a time limit or other deadline? Let's say on the 15th of each month you evaluate where you're at and if you're ready to have that conversation, or whatever day works for you.

There's never going to be that perfect day to say that you're ready to D. Getting through the D process seem a little scary because of the unknown. You can't plan for ALL the unknowns because they are just that - unknown. I think part of my problem was trying to plan for all the unknowns and failing.

But do you know what? Since I've moved into my own place, I have peace and contentment. My XWH is a covert narc, and I don't have to deal with him and his behaviors any longer. It is so nice to not have to be the marriage police. And I don't have to be subjected to emotional abuse by him.

One of the sayings here is when you know, you know.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3573   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8834524
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 LiarliarNH1 (original poster new member #75646) posted at 6:35 AM on Friday, May 17th, 2024

Leafields,

I cannot thank you enough for your response. Since my last post, things have gotten exponentially more stressful, but in some ways, definitively clearer.

WH was arrested for a sex crime and will be served next week so I can start the process. His absence from our home is simultaneously a relief and heartbreaking. The emotional heaviness of my life, eggshells and caution signs are replaced by feelings of guilt for no longer standing by his side. Plus I have this deep sense of loss for what we had together - friendship, support, companionship, family unit, security.

It feels like a complex mess of confusing emotions to feel so heartbroken over someone who completely abandoned their family for months in pursuit of an EA/EMA that read like an

American Beauty

-style obsession. He racked up thousands of dollars in debt and simultaneously flaunted and hid aspects of the situation while lying to my face.

I feel like I must have the lowest self worth in the world to have empathy for this person and express concern for his wellbeing.

But coming back to your words, trauma-bonding. I will research this, and ya, it is nice not having to be subjected to emotional abuse.

BW 49 M 5 years
DDay1: October 9, 2020
DDay2: January 27, 2024
D in progress

posts: 6   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2020
id 8836833
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 5:13 PM on Friday, May 17th, 2024

On YouTube, I watched a lot of Dr. Ramani, Dr. Les Carter and life coaches Queen Beeing and The Enlightened Target. They gave me knowledge and helped me to understand what I went through and how to be stronger. Dr. Ramani's posts were so very helpful. I also watch some Brene Brown, too.

I feel like I must have the lowest self worth in the world to have empathy for this person and express concern for his wellbeing.

No, you are a kind, caring and compassionate person. Unfortunately, those are they type of people that people like your WH seek out.

As you begin to learn about trauma bonding, you'll find that this

I have this deep sense of loss for what we had together - friendship, support, companionship, family unit, security

Grieve what you have lost and be sure to process the feelings. What I found is that those things (friendship, etc) were all one-sided. My XWH did a lot of those things to manipulate me in the relationship.

Hang in there. It does eventually get better but it can take years, so just keep going.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3573   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8836882
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 6:33 PM on Friday, May 17th, 2024

Our family is dealing with an addiction. Yours is sex, ours is alcohol. The behaviors are exactly the same. Addicts all act alike while deep in their addictions. We try tough love, kindness, anger, pleading, ignoring and on, and on. Here is the reality. An addict stops the behavior on their own. They can have sponsors, loving families, caring friends but they control their own lives. We are waiting to see if a different dr will have a different outcome but who knows. Loving an addict is exhausting. I am quoting here…you do you. Whatever gets you through the night and the long days of hoping. I am sending you a virtual hug from someone who goes to sleep with worry and wakes up with it. I get out from under it by reading and gardening. Please find a source of pleasure. It does help.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 4274   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8836895
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 5:37 PM on Saturday, May 18th, 2024

With an abusive parent and partner who is essentially abusive and an addict I really encourage you to at least visit Al-anon's websites and find a meeting.
The attachments that we make emotionally with addicts is hard to understand abd break. Al-anon can really really help.
I was horribly codependent when I arrived here. My dad's an alcoholic, my mom is borderline personality, and was abusive. I was the second kid and fell into peacemaker make everyone else happy early on.
Breaking a lifetime of those patterns is tough but after my Hs A, I realized these behaviors led me to be someone I didn't know or understand or particularly like. I did a lot of reading and work on fixing me.
You have no shame to bear. Do not take on his broken bullshit. Start healing you.

Me: FBSHim: FWSKids: 23 & 27 Married for 32 years now, was 16 at the time.D-Day Sept 26 2008R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 20207   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8836982
Topic is Sleeping.
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