SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Therapist… You asked me today if I felt like getting revenge… and no definitely not. I wouldn’t want anyone to feel this kind of pain. But I didn’t disclose to you that I did step outside my marriage a few months after discovery and had an evening (one night - protected intercourse with someone I’ve known for years ) after husbands affair. Not for revenge but to make myself feel sexy and wanted again. And it did give me that… It did help temporarily but ended up making me feel worse. I have never looked at another man and felt like I wanted something else. But now that this has happened I question why I gave my whole heart to one person and who I gave it to. I question basically every decision I’ve ever made because of this. I question if I have made the right choices in life and love. I question who I am. What I stand for. Who is this person I’ve been sharing my life with??? Who is he really? Maybe I never knew. Maybe it all was some made up romance in my head. Perhaps the romance didn’t exit for years and I just put up with scraps because that’s what you do when you have been married as long as we have? Maybe love does that. It makes you overlook many many things and you don’t even realize you are doing it. You don’t even realize you are getting scraps … Husband was very much into his own life. His job. Obviously his mistress. His sons. I took a backseat to everything … and scary thing is I knew I was and let it happen… i accepted the scraps. What does that say about me?

Your post really hit home. I hope you are doing ok and learning to put yourself first, refusing to put up with scraps anymore and acknowledging your self worth. I wish you the best.

I’m in a much better place Abalone. Thanks. I came across that message and thought it may be beneficial to share on this platform. It was written awhile ago. At the time I was separated from my husband. I have learned to put myself first and recognize when things don’t feel right to listen to my inner voice.

I question everything too, and I know I was putting up with scraps for years, ever since his LTA started. I even told our MC last year that I "will take whatever affection I can get." That is no longer true - I've stopped wanting it or looking for it. He is now trying to make amends, but anytime he gets wrapped up in his own stressors (like work or family stuff), he loses sight of what I need and it's back to scraps - whatever he can manage in the middle of falling apart. I'm sticking to the marriage for the kid (3 more years) and have tried to stop expecting him to change. It feels like the only way to maintain my dignity.

But I didn’t disclose to you....

What keeps you from disclosing that? It seems like an important fact to me.

Do you know what prompted the revenge question? Does your therapist think you're holding something important back?

You can't deal with your thoughts and feelings about your ONS unless you take responsibility for it, and revealing it is a step toward taking responsibility....

Sisoon- That message was sent to my therapist. And the event to my husband (who I was separated from at the time) .. I’ve taken full responsibility for my actions and have been open about my feelings. I guess sharing that was to be vulnerable to a community where someone might find it somewhat helpful.

Nothanksforthememories - I don’t think I really knew I was putting up with scraps. It was after that I examined my life and pulled it apart that I realized it. I convinced myself that was a natural progression of a long term marriage.

Thanks for the clarification. I know it's impossible to anticipate responses.... That may especially be true when sharing something so powerful.

To answer your question, then, accepting scraps says nothing about you or your value as a human being. IMO, what's important about your insight is that it opens up the door for you to stop accepting scraps. That is a big step toward a good life.

It's important that you shared this with your therapist. When they asked about "revenge" I suspect that they were asking more about actions than motivations.

I think you're making a very tricky distinction about your motives. Almost every BS has thoughts of revenge. The fact that you avoided discussing your ONS in response to your therapist may indicate that some reflection on that is appropriate. I can't imagine being able to so thoroughly distinguish those motivations at that stage.

You state that you were separated at the time of the ONS, but I think it's important to note that IMO whether that constitutes an infidelity depends on whether those boundaries where discussed as part of the separation agreement. My view is that one is bound by their vows, regardless of a WS's actions, until they explicitly state that they no longer intend to observe them.