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Newest Member: cobblerock

New Beginnings :
What’s fair

Topic is Sleeping.
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rambler ( member #43747) posted at 4:49 AM on Friday, March 29th, 2024

Win wars not battles. Do not fight over the costs, Be the bigger person.

However, how they are treating your date is unacceptable.
She has been with you for two years. She and you deserve more respect.

Offer to call the local IBEW and have them send someone over from the union hall.

making it through

posts: 1413   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2014   ·   location: Chicago
id 8831262
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 waitedwaytoolong (original poster member #51519) posted at 12:51 AM on Wednesday, April 3rd, 2024

I wanted to thank everyone for their thoughts and advice and give an update. Over the weekend my EX texted me and asked if we could talk. I told her that was ok, and to call. She asked if we could do it in person, which I initially said no, but she was almost pleading so after discussing with my girlfriend, I agreed.

We met at a local coffee shop. She started off by telling me she would be splitting the costs as we discussed. I said thank you and started to leave as I was still pissed over how this went down. She then got very emotional and started to cry and apologized for her behavior. She went on to tell me that this has been a very rough time for her. She has always been one to go overboard for our kids. Birthdays, holidays, prom, etc where she pulled out all the stops to make them special. She is crushed that we are not going to be celebrating this wedding as a nuclear family. What was even more crushing is that she knows she is the reason for this. It has brought up tremendous amount of guilt for her and she reacted and behaved poorly. She also apologized about how badly she has treated my girlfriend over this and promised she will bring her into things and accept we are together. That for her was a big step.

I did ask her if she thought by not having my girlfriend there that I would have some sort of epiphany and we would have a Disney moment where we would reunite and be one big happy family. She said in the back of her mind she had this thought, but deep down new it was a pipe dream like when you buy the lottery ticket when the jackpot is a billion. You know you aren’t going to win, but the thoughts of what you will do with that billion creeps into your head.

She says she knows now that was stupid thinking, but she still blames herself for being so stupid to not only throw away the marriage for a jerk who played her, but created all these other issues like what we are dealing with like the wedding.

We left on good terms, so things are back on track.

I am the cliched husband whose wife had an affair with the electrician

Divorced

posts: 2170   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2016
id 8831881
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Absolution ( member #60623) posted at 2:18 PM on Wednesday, April 3rd, 2024

Slight threadjack WWTL but I just heard your story on the Raw Truth podcast. I assume this was by your agreement with Rebecca Adams.

posts: 55   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2017
id 8831925
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emergent8 ( Guide #58189) posted at 5:45 PM on Wednesday, April 3rd, 2024

Sounds like a really positive development WWTL. Happy you were both able to be mature about things.

Me: BS. Him: WS.
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Happily reconciled.

posts: 2167   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8831960
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 waitedwaytoolong (original poster member #51519) posted at 10:13 PM on Thursday, April 4th, 2024

Slight threadjack WWTL but I just heard your story on the Raw Truth podcast. I assume this was by your agreement with Rebecca Adams.

It was. I stumbled upon her podcast which is about female infidelity I was a little disturbed that most of the stories to date were of women who cheated, but most of those the cheating occurred on husbands who were abusive, drunks, cheating themselves etc. Pretty much how most female cheating is portrayed with the husbands kind of deserving it.

I wrote her to point out that many good men are cheated on that didn’t deserve it. It was at that point she wanted me to submit my story so I did. So she had consent

I am the cliched husband whose wife had an affair with the electrician

Divorced

posts: 2170   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2016
id 8832148
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1994 ( member #82615) posted at 11:04 PM on Thursday, April 4th, 2024

Pretty much how most female cheating is portrayed with the husbands kind of deserving it.

t/j to the t/j ;)

That's my impression as well. Speaks to confirmation bias, probably. The people most likely to submit their stories are women who feel like they had a "reason" to cheat or may be rewriting their marital history. There's a lot of expressed remorse, but with a tinge of excuses thrown in to explain how they made their choices.

posts: 165   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8832155
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toota ( new member #80060) posted at 4:59 PM on Friday, April 5th, 2024

t/j
I heard it on the said podcast too. I have always felt that WWTL's story is one of the most poignant ones I've come across, and knowing it ends in the coda of this thread while listening to it was equally painful. My both WWTL and his XWW enjoy their daughter's wedding and find peace in the remaining intersections of their lives.
end t/j

posts: 9   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2022
id 8832371
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hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 10:12 PM on Friday, April 5th, 2024

That's my impression as well. Speaks to confirmation bias, probably. The people most likely to submit their stories are women who feel like they had a "reason" to cheat or may be rewriting their marital history. There's a lot of expressed remorse, but with a tinge of excuses thrown in to explain how they made their choices.

I am unfamiliar with the podcast, I will check it out.

However, many many female ws who have come to this site over the years have told me privately about their abuse. I even had one persons husband contact me and the conversation chilled me to the bone. I do not think it’s the majority of women ws, but I do think it’s far more common than one would think.

I also imagine remorse is harder for someone to get to when they also feel that they have been so mistreated throughout the marriage. I would classify the feeling I get from those women as more of guilt/regret sometimes shame. To me remorse is about being genuinely understanding and empathetic of what their bs is going through. My observation is it’s less about hurting the spouse and more about knowing cheating is wrong and wishing they approached their situation differently.

I wouldn’t claim anything of the sort for myself and I was just as skeptical if it was rewriting of history, but I can tell you that there was enough there that it’s beyond if a shadow of a doubt real. In a few cases, both spouses were here.

And the one in particular where the husband contacted me, he was a popular poster here at one time and it made me sick to see the responses he was getting. Things they were saying about his wife, etc. I wanted to scream "if you only knew!"

So anyway, all I am saying is if you looked around there would be no shortage of women who cheated in an abusive relationship. Most were SAHM’s who didn’t have the capacity to support themselves and I sort of think a few of them wanted to find someone who could support them so they could leave.

[This message edited by hikingout at 10:14 PM, Friday, April 5th]

7 years of hard work - WS and BS - Reconciled

posts: 7297   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8832434
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 waitedwaytoolong (original poster member #51519) posted at 11:08 PM on Friday, April 5th, 2024

However, many many female ws who have come to this site over the years have told me privately about their abuse. I even had one persons husband contact me and the conversation chilled me to the bone. I do not think it’s the majority of women ws, but I do think it’s far more common than one would think.

I might get some backlash from the BS community, but if a woman is being abused, especially physically, it’s no holds barred. If they have looked outside their marriage, had their brothers beat the crap out of their abusive spouse, almost anything short of murder is kind of ok in my book. It’s better to leave, but I recognize that isn’t always a choice. Especially if the abusive spouse has isolated them which seems to go hand in hand. Desperation, I mean real desperation not like their husbands work too much, will lead to desperate measures. My heart bleeds for these women. If there was infidelity, in my mind they get a pass.

I think that is what I sometimes grapple with as I was abusive (never physically) which might have been ok for a short period, but I carried it out too long.

My point to podcast producer was that by only highlighting those cases where the cheating could be almost justified, did a disservice to those men who were cheated on who actually loved and supported their wives. I didn’t beat her, never spent time in jail, did drugs, or verbally abused her, yet I felt lobbed in with those who did those things. I probably worked too hard and played more golf than I should have. Not capital offenses in my book.

I wanted to provide a voice to the men who were like me, and a warning to wives cheating in a good marriage that they are playing with fire and could lose it all

I am the cliched husband whose wife had an affair with the electrician

Divorced

posts: 2170   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2016
id 8832444
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Ragn3rK1n ( member #84340) posted at 1:01 AM on Saturday, April 6th, 2024

WWTL

My view is adjacent to yours. I too believe physical abuse is just as bad as infidelity. Infidelity isn’t justified as a response to DV, but a physically abusive BS doesn’t have a moral high ground when it comes to dealing with their WS’ A.

BH (late 40s), fWW (mid 40s), M ~18 years, T ~22 years
DDay was ~15 years ago.
Informally separated for ~2 years and then reconciled and moved on. Have two amazing kiddos now.

posts: 131   ·   registered: Jan. 8th, 2024   ·   location: USA
id 8832460
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 1:30 AM on Saturday, April 6th, 2024

many many female ws who have come to this site over the years have told me privately about their abuse.

The ow in my situation came here,and told everyone she was abused. It was a lie. She sold that sob story,and got a lot of sympathy. She claimed she and the kids were scared of him.

She called the cops,and told them he hit her. She even had fresh scratches on her arm. However, the bh had been in the family room, watching a football game,for 2.5 hours, prior to the cops showing up. In her need to lash out,because he told her he was filing, her need for revenge outweighed her intelligence, and she had forgotten they had nanny cams. They hadn't been turned on for awhile,because the kids no longer needed a nanny. But he turned them back on,after dday, because she had hit him..and the kids..before. Her arrest record proved that to be true. Anyway, the cops agreed to scan the footage,and it proved he hadn't touched her. She was arrested. He was kind enough to let me see the moment she was dramatically telling her story of being beaten, and the moment her face froze when he told the cops they had cameras. Pure gold.

I'm not saying all who said they were being abused were lying. But I know one was. She came here to stalk me. She joined to taunt me. She was dying to get me to engage with her. It was a game. She's back in jail..drugs,again. The bh, and the kids are happy. He remarried, and the kids have a wonderful stepmother.

No woman..or man..deserves physical abuse. Just as no one deserves to be cheated on(which is also abuse).

[This message edited by HellFire at 1:32 AM, Saturday, April 6th]

Our field of dreams,engulfed in fire..and I'll still see it,till the day I die..

posts: 6771   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8832461
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hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 5:34 PM on Saturday, April 6th, 2024

I wanted to provide a voice to the men who were like me, and a warning to wives cheating in a good marriage that they are playing with fire and could lose it all

Oh absolutely.

I was only responding to 1994’s skepticism. I get what you are saying completely- I couldn’t claim even the slightest abuse before, during, or after the affair, with the exception of his cheating.

[This message edited by hikingout at 9:36 PM, Sunday, April 7th]

7 years of hard work - WS and BS - Reconciled

posts: 7297   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8832532
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NukeZombie ( member #83543) posted at 5:38 PM on Saturday, April 6th, 2024

I might get some backlash from the BS community, but if a woman is being abused, especially physically, it’s no holds barred. If they have looked outside their marriage, had their brothers beat the crap out of their abusive spouse, almost anything short of murder is kind of ok in my book.

I don't know about that... if a man is already physically abusive that's as toxic a relationship as you can get... adding an affair by the abused to the mix is how you wind up with dead bodies. We know on average it takes an abused woman to experience/suffer 7 separate acts of violence before she's willing to leave the relationship. (Tidbit I learned at a domestic violence CLE years ago.) I would question the thought process and decision making of an abused spouse who decides to have an affair instead of trying to find a way to get themselves out of the abusive situation. In addition, it's commonly accepted here that adultery is a form of abuse but no one would condone a betrayed from physically abusing a wayward in response to an affair.

Based on what I've read that you have posted WWTL, I don't think you were ever "abusive" to your WW. Sure, you were in limbo for 5 years where it was no longer a loving marriage; this may cause you to "grapple with as I was abusive" but it doesn't mean you were abusive. So you never brought back the candle-lit lovemaking and you made a snide remark in a Home Depot about wearing a tool belt for your WW... that was nothing compared to the physical risk imposed by your WW having unprotected sex with AP or the financial risk by your WW asking you to invest in her AP's "business plan" for what... 6 figures? I would wake up in a cold sweat for years just thinking about that close call... Rest easy, WWTL.

posts: 54   ·   registered: Jun. 29th, 2023
id 8832533
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NukeZombie ( member #83543) posted at 5:39 PM on Saturday, April 6th, 2024

DELETED...

[This message edited by NukeZombie at 1:02 AM, Monday, April 8th]

posts: 54   ·   registered: Jun. 29th, 2023
id 8832534
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NukeZombie ( member #83543) posted at 12:45 AM on Sunday, April 7th, 2024

DELETED

[This message edited by NukeZombie at 1:01 AM, Monday, April 8th]

posts: 54   ·   registered: Jun. 29th, 2023
id 8832538
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Ragn3rK1n ( member #84340) posted at 9:55 PM on Sunday, April 7th, 2024

WWTL

Is there a different Rebecca Adams podcast? The one I have listened to only has super WW friendly and borderline infidelity sympathetic stories.

BH (late 40s), fWW (mid 40s), M ~18 years, T ~22 years
DDay was ~15 years ago.
Informally separated for ~2 years and then reconciled and moved on. Have two amazing kiddos now.

posts: 131   ·   registered: Jan. 8th, 2024   ·   location: USA
id 8832546
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 waitedwaytoolong (original poster member #51519) posted at 1:23 AM on Monday, April 8th, 2024

I don't know about that... if a man is already physically abusive that's as toxic a relationship as you can get... adding an affair by the abused to the mix is how you wind up with dead bodies

I’m not recommending this, and cheating is just plain wrong. We however live in a world that is not black and white. I try to look at the grey areas. The same way I view a drunken ONS at a convention 3000 miles away from home as different than a spouse banging their BS best friend in the marital bed for a year as different. Not to say it’s right, it’s not, but in my opinion one is worse than the other.

Same with the motivation of a WS. If it’s a female and she is getting the shit kicked out of her, and is isolated and she cheats, that to me is different than the guy with a loving wife who is taking his secretary to a hotel a few times a week. Both wrong, but one worse than the other.

Is there a different Rebecca Adams podcast? The one I have listened to only has super WW friendly and borderline infidelity sympathetic stories.

Most are. I have corresponded with her and I think a big part of that is due to the stories that are submitted. Most story’s are WW justifying their cheating. I think they are looking for sympathy. Not as many are WW who truly feel sorry, but that may be because they are just licking their wounds and realize they have no justification.

There is a patreon site where she highlights mens who have been cheated on. These are more balanced, but still have stories of men doing the pick me dance which makes me want to pull my hair out.

I am the cliched husband whose wife had an affair with the electrician

Divorced

posts: 2170   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2016
id 8832585
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Ragn3rK1n ( member #84340) posted at 3:06 AM on Monday, April 8th, 2024

WWTL

I see the Patreon section now, thanks. Is that where she talks about your story?

BH (late 40s), fWW (mid 40s), M ~18 years, T ~22 years
DDay was ~15 years ago.
Informally separated for ~2 years and then reconciled and moved on. Have two amazing kiddos now.

posts: 131   ·   registered: Jan. 8th, 2024   ·   location: USA
id 8832602
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sven ( new member #80286) posted at 11:17 PM on Monday, April 15th, 2024

Isn't your ex bringing someone to the wedding?

posts: 37   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2022
id 8833629
Topic is Sleeping.
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