Hi all
I am new here but want to share my story and ask for some guidance. I will do my best to provide a full and accurate summary of my history. Details can be a bit fuzzy, and my timeline and order of events may be a little off, as these events have transpired over the last 25 years. I am about 16 years past D-Day 1, and 11 after D-day 2. For those that ask, my first inclination is to say it never gets easier. But in fairness, after reading through some SI material, it seems that WW and I could have done more to aid our reconciliation.
PreMarriage
When I met my WW in 1998, she was 20, I was 23 and we worked together. She had a boyfriend. I just got out of a serious relationship having been cheated on. My means of coping with that hurt was to turn to alcohol. Addiction coping will be a recurring theme for me. While we were friendly and hung out, I was adamant about no relationship or anything else while she had a boyfriend. In a short time, they broke up and we started dating. Our relationship progressed very fast. She moved into my house.
At first things were good with us, but she did not like how much time I spent with my friends and that a lot of my activities with them involved drinking. We would constantly fight about my time with my friends, and she would call repeatedly and seek attention. When gentle calls did not get me to come home, she began to say things like she was cutting herself. I am not sure when, but she chose to hang out with her ex-boyfriend. In retrospect, maybe this happened frequently without my knowledge. I don’t know exactly what or how it happened, but he sexually assaulted her. She did not tell me this until I was out one night with my friends. It ended my evening, and I went home to support her. Even 20+ years ago I knew you could not blame the victim, so I did not feel I could question why or how she allowed herself to get into such a compromising situation. She did not press charges and said she felt bad because they were high school sweethearts, and their families were close. Her mother did not believe her and was dismissive of her feelings. This strained her relationship with her family. My friends did not believe her regarding the allegations, they believed it to be more attention seeking drama.
At this time our relationship began to change. I was having my own doubts about how the sexual assault went down. I think I accepted in my mind that they probably started fooling around and she had second thoughts, knowing cheating was a hard no for me. I don’t really know, but I could tell the trauma was real, so I did not ask questions because I felt it was important for her to feel supported.
Her trauma. That would be the excuse for a lot of bad behavior on both sides. I could not take her intense neediness. I started working a lot. As much as I could. Then whenever I could, I would go get drunk with my friends. My avoidance of her was so great and I felt so lonely I started going to massage parlors and quickly progressed picking up street walkers. I had completed the circle and become the cheater. When my misdeeds were found out, hers came to light as well. I still don’t know details about how often or who with, but I gather there were many. At the time she attributed it to her trauma.
Our relationship had become increasingly toxic. We agreed she would move out. I needed to get help for sex addiction, and she needed to figure out who she was and what she wanted. We both pursued IC on our own. Initially, even with therapy, this separation/break up was not helpful for either of us. I traded in my sex addiction for another woman who worked for me. It was supposed to just be a fun fling, but it got serious, too serious. Meanwhile WW was still carrying on with her activities and at the same time causing me trouble at work by reporting my extracurricular activities to my boss. I was able to save my career, and I broke it off with the new girl and continued IC for sex addiction.
My mental health deteriorated, and I started drinking again. Every day and occasionally I would get falling-down drunk. I would also obsess over who she had cheated with, and she would gaslight and trickle-truth me. I asked about her coworkers, and she told me she made out with one guy, but it didn’t progress beyond that. She moved back in (don’t ask me how we got here) and we soon slipped back into routines. My addictions took over, while she began EA/PA1, of which I was unaware. She eventually found a credit card receipt for a massage parlor and called me out on it. I don’t know what either of us were thinking, but in the ensuing fight about my behavior, I asked her to marry me. She accepted. I was still unaware of her activity.
We had a busy yearlong engagement. I went back to counseling. We went to pre-marital couples counseling. The dialog was open and honest – at least for all that I was aware of. I stopped drinking.
We got married in the summer of 2005. Initially I felt like we had both grown up and were settling down. I was still working a lot. WW worked significantly less than I did but was never able to contribute more to the household than the laundry. Cooking, cleaning, and maintenance all fell on me. She would come home from work and take naps – at least that is what she told me she was doing. She filled some of her free time with concerts and other recreational activities and when we were together all she wanted to do was watch tv and knit. In the fall, just a few months after our wedding, she out of the blue hit me with an opportunity she had to go snowboarding with a man she worked with. She said I had to make the decision if she could go because she realized I may not feel comfortable with it. I politely told her no, not imagining she was having an affair during our honeymoon phase. I let her know I was resentful about the division of duties at home. I started hanging out with one of my drinking buddies who was recently divorced. When we got together, we would meet for coffee, I was still avoiding alcohol.
Affair 1
Being clear-headed I was able to pick up on something amiss. I don’t know exactly what, just a feeling. I had no evidence of an affair, but I just had a suspicion I could not shake. It bothered me for a long time. I finally had the guts to just ask her directly. I did it in a restaurant to catch her off guard. I lied and told her the neighbor asked if my aunt visited recently because he saw what he thought was her car in the driveway. She just outright admitted to having an affair with the guy she worked with. I had an inkling that it started before we got married. I was broken. She trickle-truthed me to death, so I don’t know that it ever even stopped during our engagement or after the wedding. I felt that our hard work at healing, growing back together, and marriage were all lies. We both started IC. She love-bombed her feelings for me, made all sorts of promises, and told me the affair was over.
Over the next year we engaged in multiple attempts at separation and reconciliation. She was staying with her parents. I called one night to talk to her, but her mom said she went to a movie by herself. Something felt off and I didn’t buy it. I drove to the movie theater and parked where I could see her car. They walked out, hand in hand and embraced in a big hug when they got to her car. I pulled up and screamed obscenities and sped off. I came dangerously close to crashing my car intentionally. I was out of my mind. I called her mom and let her know. She was in disbelief or denial – she said she was sure it was innocent. There was no denying what I saw with my own two eyes.
Several months later, WW asked if I would participate in MC with her therapist. I felt like I was getting to a better place with my therapy, and because of my belief in our vows, I agreed. I have always held a high regard for therapy and therapists in general, but this arrangement was detrimental for me and my overall mental health. Everything was laid out to be my fault. The sessions were constantly about getting me to acknowledge all my wrongdoings and WW was a wounded bystander, the therapist was okay with her having no culpability for her behavior. After a few sessions it came out that she was dishonest with her therapist and did not tell her about her trysts or the EA/PA. This relationship with the coworker was still ongoing, unbeknownst to me. I left the initial sessions suicidal, and when I found out WW did not honestly approach IC, I began leaving angry. I started drinking again.
She was embarrassed about the movie incident. She continued to love-bomb email me and made promises to change. I insisted she quit her job immediately. She resisted because she wanted to line up another one first. She was soon offered a new job, but she did not want to take it. My last session at MC was where she basically told me she didn’t care if it led to divorce, but she wasn’t taking the job, she was going to continue working with AP1. Her therapist told me that I did not have the right to require her to leave the company where AP1 worked. I left the house for a couple of weeks and stayed with my family. During this time, I got arrested for DUI. When I was released from jail I went home, an emotional wreck, and told her what I had done. I asked if I could return to my own home. WW agreed.
A couple of months after I got the DUI, she was offered and started a new job. It was a significant step up for her and required her to work more hours. She was busy. I don’t know why, but I agreed to try reconciliation. The new job required her to go in for about 45 minutes each weekend day to keep cells growing. It was a lot, but she was getting satisfaction from it, and honestly it was nice to see her putting effort into her career.
Months went by but I was still not in a good place mentally, so I asked for a separation. I had stopped drinking. She moved out and we soon found out she was pregnant. Our marriage was in shambles, but she had already miscarried once, so I did not feel I could ask her to abort. I already knew the answer. One day we had plans to get together after work, but she called and said she was feeling unwell and was just going home to her apartment. Being pregnant, this should be believable, but for some reason it didn’t sit right with me. I went home and got a fresh uniform for the next day and headed to her apartment. It took her a minute to open the door and when she did, she told me "AP1 is here." I went apeshit. I threw the dinner they were eating against the wall and found him hiding in the closet. I beat the crap out of him. He didn’t really fight back, maybe he felt like he had it coming. She had to tell him to leave. Maybe he thought I would hurt her? No, I would never. When he was walking through the parking lot, I followed him and continued to scream obscenities and to tell the world that this guy was fucking my wife. Not my best self, and I was stone cold sober.
A few months later, because of the pregnancy which she assured me was mine, I agreed to reconcile. She moved back in, and we did our best to prepare for the baby.
I went with her to the office one weekend to see the place while she tended to cells in the lab. While she was in the lab I was sitting at her desk, and I looked at her browser history. I couldn’t help myself. A clandestine email account popped up. My heart sank but raced at the same time. I contained my anger and didn’t ask her about it there, I waited until we left. She lied and said she used it to email a female friend. I challenged her, told her that it makes no sense. I knew this female friend, and there was no reason to hide it. She stuck to her story. I asked her to log into it when we got back home. There were no emails from her female friend. But there were emails to and from AP1, with plans to meet in a couple of days. I went absolutely crazy. I started screaming and she stood tall in front of me like she wanted me to hit her. No. I put my head through a hollow core door instead. I was bleeding. I threw a tv remote through a sliding glass door. I screamed at her. I hated her. I told her to leave. She was smart and did. About 30 minutes later my father-in-law showed up. He was worried about me. He cried. He didn’t like seeing me that way and felt horrible his daughter was doing what she was doing.
I convinced him to leave, I was fine. I didn’t drink. I went to bed and cried. For two days.
I called AP1’s mom and told her what was going on and it would be great if she could tell him to stay away from my wife in a semi-threatening way. She said her son would never have a relationship with a married woman. Soon after, WW sent AP1 an email and told him not to ever contact her again, they had reached "THE END". I logged into WW’s email account and provided my own commentary and forwarded it and other emails to his mother to embarrass him.
To my knowledge, this was the end of their EA/PA.
Kids
Our first born came along early in the spring of 2008. I did not request a paternity test. I was confident he was mine. I still am, but I probably should have done the test just to eliminate any lingering doubts. He was such an easy baby. I found great satisfaction in fatherhood. WW and I also developed a stronger bond. We had always planned on having two kids, two years apart. The first was such an easy baby, we agreed to move up baby two and try sooner. Baby number two came along 16 months after the first. Number two was an easy baby too. We spent all possible time together as a family. When baby two was just over a year old, we were surprised with pregnancy number three.
During this time, I was disciplined and kept my work to a manageable 45 hours per week. WW was career focused and moved into a supervisory position. Her work was high drama because the owner of the company was literally crazy and not a very nice person, so it had become a stressful place to work.
Affair 2
She mentioned him a couple of times casually, and my spidey-senses picked up on it. She mocked one of her coworkers for dressing nicely to impress him. Retrospectively, it had probably already begun. I blocked the possibility at first because I couldn’t imagine it happening again now that we had kids. With all the growing I had done personally, I thought we were on track to leaving our traumas behind. Pregnancy number three still had not popped up yet. One day WW said something that really triggered me. I don’t remember what exactly, but she was relaying a conversation she had with AP2 that was inappropriate. I addressed her directly with my concerns. She responded nonchalantly, likely realizing that she said too much. I knew in my heart at that moment it was already too late. I cried and begged her not to, and reminded her it wasn’t just me now, we had two beautiful boys. I feel pathetic for letting it happen this way, but I was in love with fatherhood and couldn’t bring myself to address it any further. I beat myself up for a long time and generally felt like a worthless cuck.
Things continued, my suspicions lingering. There were times my thoughts would bring out my craziness. Occasionally she told me she had to work full days on the weekends. I went to her work and the only cars in the parking lot were hers and his. It was not the type of place I could just march into, otherwise I probably would have. I could only stay and watch so long with the kids in the car. Pregnancy number three appeared during this period.
Shortly after baby number three arrived, we attended WW’s company picnic. There I met AP2 and his wife. It was very uncomfortable. There was enough sexual tension I could feel it. I don’t know what the arrangement was, but I felt like I was the only one not in on the secret. It really bothered me. Enough that I questioned WW about it with the kids in the car. I received the typical gaslighting she had honed as a skill over time.
During this time, I started drinking casually. Not every day and not excessively. I was focused on providing for and being present for my family. I was not feeling the need to medicate or escape despite my intuitions.
This pattern continued for some time. Work was steadily successful for me, and she was still struggling with her employer. She appeared to be getting harassed when she returned from maternity leave. It was very stressful for her. She would often come home in tears. I encouraged her to look for work elsewhere. It took a while, but she was finally able to move on a little more than a year after baby three arrived.
A few months later we were at the soccer field for the oldest’s pee-wee game, and WW was texting. I looked over at her phone and she jerked it away so I could not see it. I asked her what that was about and was gaslit. My insides boiled. I looked at her phone sometime later and the conversation was broken up. I could tell multiple messages were deleted. The remaining messages appeared innocent yet overly friendly from her to him. He seemed indifferent but many messages were gone. She wanted to watch his kid as a favor to him for some reason. I checked the phone bill and most of the texts had been deleted. It was obvious.
I did some research and installed an app on her phone that relayed her messages to my email. It was the early days of android, so it was pretty glitchy. Often, I would only get one side of the conversation. When I looked at her phone it had all been cleansed. I was not sleeping. I was angry. All the time. Finally, a string of texts came through that confirmed my suspicions. Remarkably, I was sitting on the other end of the couch, and she didn’t realize I was getting them. She told him someone in her fantasy football league tried to take advantage of her with an unfair trade offer. He responded, "I’d like to take advantage of you." She responded in kind, "Well, you just need to make time."
I was livid but I sat on it, I don’t know why. Probably because the kids were nearby. I stewed for a couple of days while more messages rolled in and were then deleted, none as damning as the football ones. WW could tell something was wrong with me. I was probably cold and short with her. She asked more than once if I was okay. I was able to blow it off for a day or two. One morning I got ready for work and woke her up so she could as well, that was our routine. She complained that she slept terribly. I asked her if there was something she needed to confess, it would be good to get it off her chest. She knew I had been looking at her phone recently and there was nothing to see. She aggressively gaslit, "ARE YOU EVER GOING TO TRUST ME?"
I recited their text exchange word for word. Afterall, I had a few days to simmer and burn the words into my soul. She was dumbfounded. Stunned. At that point she realized she had no way to explain it and confessed. I decided I needed to leave for work asap. Through this I managed not to pick up drinking any more than I had been. My kids really were keeping me centered, mostly.
I emailed WW’s former employer from her email account and alleged sexual harassment and a lawsuit. This guy was one of her supervisors. I sent it to everyone in the company whose email address I could figure out. I also emailed AP2’s wife. No response from her. I still do not understand the dynamic there, whether she was aware of involved somehow. WW’s former employer investigated, and their attorney called her to get the name of her lawyer. I don’t know exactly what was said, but WW confirmed the consensual affair and told them I must have been the one to send the email. I got a little satisfaction that it probably led to some embarrassing conversations for him.
WW called, texted, and emailed the usual love-bomb emails full of apologies and false promises. Nauseating. I didn’t care. She asked me to come home from work for lunch. I refused and picked my boys up from school and took them to McDonalds instead. She was probably worried I was going to tell them. I did not, that would be on her to explain if it came to it. I knew the next few months were going to be tough, so I wanted to see them one last time in their innocence.
When WW and I finally had a conversation, she trickle-truthed as always and had the gall to tell me we don’t need to dwell on it. I went to a hotel and stayed for a couple of days. I didn’t go off the deep end but the pull of seeing my kids was more than I could handle. I returned home and asked WW to move out.
WW moved in with her parents. I started IC again. The kids showed typical difficulty adjusting. I bought a DNA test for my youngest. It took a while to get the results, but she is mine. Given the history, my therapist said if I was considering reconciliation for the sake of the kids, that I should accept that WW will probably do this again, likely every few years. We spent Thanksgiving apart but got together for Christmas, so the kids did not miss out on the experience.
WW stayed in the house with the kids the week after Christmas. I went to hike the Grand Canyon and see the cave dwellings in Sedona. I had to get away and clear my head. Once again, the pull of my kids was more than I could bear. I returned home by New Years Eve, resigned to reconciliation. I managed to not rely on alcohol during this time.
Things were good. WW moved to yet another job in furtherance of her career. About five years after the end of EA/PA2 I also made a career change. The stress reduction for me was a god send. We took some nice family vacations and our lives revolved around being a family. This also made WW the bread winner, which we were both fine with.
I’m not sure exactly when, but I began to get that familiar feeling. At first nothing obvious. Then, in quick order WW began to pay increased attention to her appearance. I didn’t wait and called her on it right away. She told me AP2 had recently started working at her company. I did not bother with many questions; she had already broken my trust by not telling me when it happened. She gaslit and tried to tell me that him working there had nothing to do with her new workout routine. I had seen this pattern before, and the script was familiar. I did my typical obsessing and was regularly checking her phone. I noticed that she was friends on Facebook with the guy she admitted to making out with before we were married. I called her on it, and she had not kept track of her lies, because she admitted they did a lot more than making out. I don’t know if it was a full blow affair, or just a one-time thing. She was angry I was asking about something from 15 years ago. Between this and working with AP2 again, I started to compartmentalize and block out what I could.
Last Few Years
For a time, I experienced flashes of anger. If she looked at me wrong or talked to me in her condescending tone, I flew off the handle. Not the best environment for the kids, I know. In the years since starting my new job, I realized I had packed on a few pounds. I now had the time to focus on myself. I went back to school to finish the degree I gave up on 20+ years prior. Still plugging away. I also decided to give the keto diet approach a try. I shed 30 pounds over the first few months of the pandemic and physically felt better than I had in 20 years. Keto changed my drinking as well. I no longer drank beer and the craving for alcohol went away. I started drinking an occasional whiskey cocktail. I also made the mistake of overdoing it once or twice, and the keto hangover was the worst I have ever had, so the diet helped me limit intake. Another revelation that came to me was that just a drink or two would numb my emotions. Completely. I could check out and still be coherently present. Just emotionally dead.
I have remained resolute and have to remind myself that I am here for my kids. I am at the point where I don’t know if continuing the current path is worthwhile, and perhaps is even hurting the kids. My belief is that they need to see us love each other in a healthy way, but it is pretty one sided. When I leave the house, I make sure to hug and kiss her goodbye, but it is not reciprocated when she leaves.
Our sex life dwindled to non-existent, down to just a handful of times per year. She stopped initiating, and when I did, I was often rejected. When we do have sex, she is inactive. She just lays there like a starfish. It has been very unfulfilling with little or no connection. When I have addressed this, she makes promises to improve, but it doesn’t get any better. It is probably worse, because now when I initiate, she makes comments that make me feel skeevy. It’s apparent that she does not want to and is only fulfilling obligations. I have done all I can – I am in better shape than most men my age, I maintain perfect hygiene in case she is feeling up to it. I have asked her what more I can do. Nothing has helped. This has just been another area for me to internalize and wonder if she is getting it elsewhere.
In the last few years, I have stopped drinking for a month or more at a time, usually a few times a year. I have not experienced emotional issues. This time has been different. After the first week or two, I experienced unexplained flashes of anger. When those subsided, I am not sure what trigger was pulled, but I think it was in a dream. I entered a phase of profound sadness and anxiety. I have been losing sleep and experiencing moments of despair. I have had days where I accomplish nothing at work and outright neglect my classwork. Writing this journal has helped provide me with focus. It helped me clearly see the patterns of WW and those in myself. One of my missteps was not asking for a full and accurate accounting of WW’s activities. Between my dead bedroom and all the gaslighting and lies it has only left the door open for my imagination to run wild.
I don’t know if WW still has any illicit activity going on. It is either nothing, or she has gotten good at covering her tracks. I have decided to stay away from alcohol, and I have a doctor appointment next week. I am going to give therapy another try. I have not told WW about any of my recent feelings.
If you have read this far, first of all thank you! Secondly, I would appreciate words of encouragement, suggested reading material, and your advice.
IncompleteHealing
