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Newest Member: PMSandvig

New Beginnings :
New relationship - not sure what to do

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Tortured (original poster member #52141) posted at 6:48 AM on Monday, October 16th, 2023

I’ve been saying something new for two months. It’s been pretty emotional intense for a few reasons.

The first is that I met him through an investment community I’m in so I was hesitant to get involved. It was really excited and the chemistry is hot so after a few dates I talked (with him) my way into deciding I wanted it.

The challenge…. We live 1 hr 20 (min) apart. The bigger challenge is he has four kids (same mum) but the 14 & 16 live full time with him and his younger two rotate week about with the mum. He therefore has a lot on his plate. He’s also given up his career to pursue two other business streams so there’s a time commitment involved.

I have three kids and our kids free weekends are aligned. I have majority care and only 4 nights free a fortnight.

So far he has opted to come down to spend usually one or two nights with me on my kids free weekends. He older two are left alone but his sister lives in the apartment under his.

He has become overwhelmed. He feels like he’s spread too thin and he’s suddenly realised it’s not working to leave the two older kids alone. I’m a mum so I’m understanding. But he’s more stressed over feeling like he has commitments.

I’m happy to look at how to make adjustments to keep the relationship going. Ie cut the overnight stays, me commute to him. But I’ve hit a trigger point for him from his marriage (wife left him after having an affair). Because for years before the end his former wife made him feel like he wasn’t giving her enough, he’s pessimistic because of this and feeling concerned that I’m going to get discontented down the track and that leave him feel the same way he did when his wife was unhappy and then left. Like he’s giving all he can and it’s not enough.

It’s like it’s self preservation. He doesn’t want to get hurt. Yes the distance has probably made this a thing because if we hear closer it would lend to seeing each other in smaller time slots.

How I see it….. After dating for 6-7 years now, I know it’s more important to find the right personality. Our kids aren’t going to be young forever. Our eldest each only have two years of school left. His youngest is 9. Mine is 10. We have no intention to "Brady bunch" ever in the same home. So this is about how we can find time to see each other.

I feel the need to calm his triggers. Not sure how.

TorturedMe: BSHim: WH (serial)Three kidsDD: Nov 2015 (and so much trickle truth that I would be listing a month a DDays)Sep: Dec 2016

posts: 185   ·   registered: Mar. 6th, 2016
id 8811784
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 7:36 AM on Monday, October 16th, 2023

I’m Happy you found someone that you are passionate about.

However you cannot cure his insecurities. You just cannot.

And it sounds like he is afraid of becoming involved for fear of getting hurt. Understandable given his past.

But you can see you are always going to have this problem or issue. He’s not healed and has insecurities. I fear that three years down the road he would end a good relationship due to his fears (you know, to "protect" himself).

No advice except here except go in with your eyes wide open.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13946   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8811787
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little turtle ( member #15584) posted at 1:57 PM on Monday, October 16th, 2023

His triggers are his to manage. How long has it been since his divorce? Has he dated much before you?

You 2 could do things together during the day without sleeping over. Meet in the middle for a meal if you can get a sitter, or on the weekends that you're kid-free. In the future, you could do outings with the kids all together.

Failure is success if we learn from it.

posts: 5608   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2007   ·   location: michigan
id 8811808
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lostandbound ( member #56011) posted at 6:07 AM on Tuesday, October 24th, 2023

I’m happy to look at how to make adjustments to keep the relationship going. Ie cut the overnight stays, me commute to him. But I’ve hit a trigger point for him from his marriage (wife left him after having an affair). Because for years before the end his former wife made him feel like he wasn’t giving her enough, he’s pessimistic because of this and feeling concerned that I’m going to get discontented down the track and that leave him feel the same way he did when his wife was unhappy and then left. Like he’s giving all he can and it’s not enough.


imho this is gaslighting. Your relationship is not a priority to him, and he intends to keep it that way. But he's got you thinking you need to reassure him that you are happy being 4th or 5th place or it might not work out. Like his phantom ex who was also dissatisfied with how little he put into that relationship.

posts: 124   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2016
id 8812607
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EvenKeel ( member #24210) posted at 1:37 PM on Tuesday, October 24th, 2023

He has become overwhelmed. He feels like he’s spread too thin

Listen to what he is saying to you. He is flat out saying this is just not what he can do at this point of his life.

I feel the need to calm his triggers. Not sure how.

You can't. This is on him and he has a tremendous amount going on.

I know it is hard but sometimes the timing just is not right. Does not mean it will never be right but it is just not working for him at this stage of his life.

posts: 6898   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2009   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8812617
Topic is Sleeping.
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