SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello everyone,

Some of you know my story already.
Going to 3 months post DDay.

It was a rollercoaster ride for the past few weeks.

All along, I thought I have all the details about my H's affair. I thought he already told me already. Foolish me I believed him.

Just found out that they had sex more than I thought.

Just found out they went on a day trip together when the affair is going on and I thought he went with his co-workers.

Just found out that he lied to me about where his AP lives.

He even swore on my name and my children's name that he told me everything and yet few days later, I will find all these information. He had so many chances to give me all the details and he still chose to lie.

He was saying that I had too much information "that day" thats why he did not tell me the truth and he said he was scared because he will know how would I react.

I told him that I am done with his lies and will file a divorce. Contacted a lawyer already and had the initial consultation.
However, I didn't know at the time of the call, my daughter (6yo) was in the other room. She heard the conversation and while I am still talking to the lawyer, she went straight up to me and asked me who am I talking to and why I want to "separate" with her Dad.

She started crying and told me that I dont love her dad anymore, that she hates me because I was asking her dad to go away and she was saying that family is love, family doesnt fight, family stays together etc etc.

This breaks my heart.
I have to tell the lawyer that I need to call her back.

I did not expect this from a 6yo kid. I need to calm her down and explain it to her in a kid-friendly manner so she could understand.

Now, I have to re-consider everything. I have to prioritize my children more than myself. I still love my husband and I am willing to give him a chance. I really dont care anymore about the actual affair details, I just want the truth for me to accept, move forward and heal. My problem is his lies. Lies after lies. Trickle truth. He said from the last time we talked, thats all the information and he doesnt have anything to say and he was really sorry that he waited this long to tell me.

Does anyone have similar situation?
Any advice on how to handle and tell your children if their parents are planning to separate?

I'm so sorry Kibo...

I went through something very similar, with a younger child and completely understand the instinct and need to do what's best for your children. One thing to consider though - when the oxygen masks drop in an airplane, are you supposed to put it on your child first or yourself?

The answer to that is one yourself, because you need to be able to care for your children. With family issues such as infidelity it's exactly the same. Whether or not the truth trickle is a deal-breaker for you, is up to you. And if it is, that is perfectly okay. You need to be at your best to care for your children. You need to set an example of healthy boundaries and self respect for your children. You and your children are better off in no relationship than in one in which you feel you must passively endure abuse and mistreatment.

As for telling your children, when you decide to talk to them, try to have both parents there if at all possible/reasonable. They do not need to know all of the details and they do not need to hear anyone speak ill of their parents. Make sure they know it isn't their fault - mommy and daddy have different ideas on what marriage means, and sometimes mommies and daddies can stop loving each other, but they will never stop loving their children and having that connection to do their best for them. As you know, actions speak louder than words, and if you can commit to your healing and wellbeing, taking healthy and constructive steps forward, you'll set an strong example for them on what it means to be empowered and capable of navigating through adversity to rise above it to a more wholesome life.

Now, I have to re-consider everything. I have to prioritize my children more than myself. I still love my husband and I am willing to give him a chance. I really dont care anymore about the actual affair details, I just want the truth for me to accept, move forward and heal. My problem is his lies. Lies after lies. Trickle truth. He said from the last time we talked, thats all the information and he doesnt have anything to say and he was really sorry that he waited this long to tell me

.

Establishing honesty is the only path forward, and yet "trickle truth" seems to be ubiquitous. It seems like common sense, right? That WS's just can't seem to grasp this simple concept is just mindboggling.

In terms of you prioritizing your children... you're the adult. Kids want both their parents at home, but they also want ice cream for dinner. If you can find a way forward within the marriage that provides you with an HONEST partner whose values mirror your own, that's great. Going forward with an unrepentant cheater though is building your kids' foundation on sand. You're the adult. You're the parent. You get to decide what's best for them in the long run and what kind of modeling you want to present to them. Trust yourself. You got this.

All of the arguments that can be put forth in order to convince ourselves to stay and work on the marriage could have been invoked to keep the unfaithful partner from cheating in the first place. Heck, my WW told me that she could not believe I was throwing away 27 years of marriage when I filed for divorce. I asked her why the length of marriage suddenly had such currency, but was irrelevant when she was deciding to cheat.

Cheaters lie. For them, it's probably pure survival instinct, and they seem willing to attach anything and everything they can to make it seem like they are doing you/us a favour by sparing us the details we are demanding to hear. Funny, it even seems more ridiculous as I type it out.

One of the recommendations made here is to get a written timeline. That might help with the TT

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 4:01 PM, Monday, October 2nd]

So sorry. I almost never post, but a couple things here really hit me hard and so I feel for you and want you to know you're not alone.

When I read the line about he "swore on our children's names...", that really hit me. My WW (wife) swore on our children's LIVES I knew everything. Of course I didn't. She would only admit what I was able to find-out on my own, or could bluff her into giving-up.

And I KNOW, I still don't know everything and probably never will (nearly 2 years out). People with more wisdom than me on this forum will certainly point out how sadly typical this is.

The other thing that hit close to home for me is that my oldest certainly knows what has happened- not all the details. Nearly all of his best friends come from divorced family homes. Couple of them where infidelity was a factor. He has heard our arguments at times and he is such a great kid, early on he'd check-in with me about how I was doing. A teenager shouldn't be doing that. And he asked some hard questions... I wasn't going to lie to him, but shared what I thought was appropriate given what he asked. Sucks all around.

On some level WW's are broken people- that's not an excuse, just a reality. They need to be broken because who can swear on child's life in that way and not mean it. And that's the kicker, they need to sort that out for themselves, how they got there. Put aside the context (maybe the relationship was under stress) and any opportunity that presented itself... what in their character allowed for that synapse to fire in their brain in way for them to make the decision to do what they did (and continue making those decisions). It is mind boggling.

So I'd be lying if I didn't admit that part of my desire to work on things is for my kids. I think just about everyone goes into a long-term relationship with the idea that infidelity is the ultimate 'deal-breaker', was for me. But until it's your reality, you have no idea what you will actually do.

We're a work in progress. She has emerged from the 'fog' remorseful and feeling a lot of shame. But doing that hard work to dig into oneself and understand 'why' they did it and what they're going to do about it (answering the 'why' for themselves and then putting into action measures to make them a safe partner), that can be too big an ask for some people. So we're a work in progress still.

Anyway, sorry, that was becoming a bit more about me. My point is, we know what you're going through. And I'm sorry to say, that yo-yo of deciding to end it and then not and then maybe I should end it... it's sadly all too 'normal',

Again, many people with more wisdom than me will chime-in. But do take care of yourself and children.

[This message edited by dontlookbackinanger at 4:17 PM, Monday, October 2nd]

Kibo, it's okay to tell your daughter that her father broke a promise to you and that sometimes that means you can't stay married when that happens. You do not have to carry the weight of being blamed for his poor behavior. Yes, it is ideal that you both talk to her together if you decide to divorce but it's also okay to tell her the truth if he won't.