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General :
Divorce proposition then cheating truth

Topic is Sleeping.

 strongenthanever (original poster new member #83865) posted at 2:28 PM on Wednesday, September 13th, 2023

First I am so glad I discovered this page to have a compressed knowledge and orientation to what is happening to me and also seeing a community that went or is going through this hell of a life change.

My Story:

Met a girl a decade ago, she was very interested in me...more than I was in her, but still something dragged to me and we started dating and as more as i got to know her the more I was attracted to her, not about the looks but other qualities from bein more of artistic type and me being technical type.

We got married a few years later, moved together far away from family and friends and as it was a stressfull time i felt our love and being away from distraction of family and friends was only charging our energy so we were quite bonded. Four small kids later (<12, the youngest being 5) and great career and extraordinary love appreciation from both our sides almost consistently.. I was presented out of nowhere with request to divorce. Oh the agony I went through. I basically begged her to not do this (I was totally blindsided with this) and she took it back. A week or so later I found out by accident she met someone else that turned her world around.

Digging deeper this was an emotional affair taking some time to develop from her hobby. Then when I confronted her she was sorry but not really remorseful. I even found out from her she would likely be quite happy with me, had she not met this person (almost twice her age). Then I found out she was abused in all sorts from her father and family which she did never fully disclose with me. We were then working on our marriage, but agony persisted, i went on antidepressants and on one time when she was really really sorry (seemed really remorseful) and said we should move closer to home i made a rash decision to present this idea to our kids and then set things in motion to move. The move was planned for end of school year in a few months. In this time she consistently met with OP which I found out from neighbors sharing commute with her and holding hands and kissing. Every time i confronted her with this she seemed remorseful but went back again in doing this and being exposed a few times. We also attended MC where she deeply regretted this and commited to reconciliation but went back in her old ways. I somehow stayed sane without almost any sleep and eat, went on medical leave for a month and took antidepressant counting the minutes to move thinking the distance to the OP and closeness to family and friends would solve some pain. forward 6 months we have moved 700miles away (felt on top of the world) and superficially things seem ok but the agony i have is coming back again...2 months flew by without IC or MC (at one time she rejected MC because the couselor said some bad words about OP). Now we started IC and still seems like agony and i do not really feel true remorse from her side and also no really effort on finding a MC of her choice. She started a really low level work beneth her education and quite physical so there is progress. She says she loves me more than ever consistently shows love towards me but i have trouble sometimes bringing our topic where she says its not a safe space to discuss. I know MC is comming but the time and excrutiating pain sometimes seems overwhelming. Kids keep me sane, they do not know anything (i think).

Also on other not, she told almost everyone in her firend circle what a mess our marriage was (totally the opposite) and how bad of a husband i was, but i only confined this betryal to our pastor, my brother and two closest friends who stayed awake on my whole night walks and kept me sane not doing anything stupid untill return. (more following)

I try to follow your tips and anything but just any kind of condolances and optimistic outlook from any of you would be much appreciated.

[This message edited by strongenthanever at 2:32 PM, Wednesday, September 13th]

posts: 1   ·   registered: Sep. 13th, 2023
id 8807610

MintChocChip ( member #83762) posted at 3:09 PM on Wednesday, September 13th, 2023

I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation which many of us have. I give my sympathy because this is very hard with small children.

I will be honest and make this simple.

Your wife is still emotionally attached to the OP. If you're certain there is "no contact" this might resolve in time, but there's no guarantee because she needs to unravel what's really going on in her mind through IC.

You're not really in reconciliation because she is still not focused fully on the marriage. Her effort is not there and she's not showing the real remorse needed, which is why you feel so badm

I am sorry i dont have good advice for the next steps for you, but someone will come along soon.

I wanted to offer you some understanding, I have been there! The feelings for OP are very unlikely to be real and when it fizzles, she will probably be disgusted with herself.

This is the typical pattern. Unfortunately she will do it in her own time as right now she has no motivation. She knows you are tolerating it so she will continue bring selfish.

You are not alone.

D Day: September 2020Currently separated

posts: 273   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8807615

leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 6:09 PM on Wednesday, September 13th, 2023

You may wish to have your thread moved to the JFO (Just Found Out) forum, as you may receive more replies. Welcome to SI and I'm sorry you had to find us.

In the JFO forum, there are some pinned posts at the top that you may find helpful. Also, the Healing Library has a lot of information, including the list of acronyms we use.

I would suggest that you stay in IC for awhile, at least until you've had an opportunity to heal. I wouldn't suggest MC for awhile, at least until your WW (wayward wife) has shown some growth and improvement. She doesn't sound remorseful, just sorry she got caught. Your M didn't cheat - your wife did.

Holding hands and kissing is physical, so I would say that this was a PA as well as an EA. Unfortunately, when distance is not a factor, you will find that there was more than hand holding and kissing.

Your wife should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal After Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. Another good book for you is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

Sorry you've found yourself here and keep posting.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3584   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8807647

SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 10:06 PM on Wednesday, September 13th, 2023

I would bet my next paycheck that she's still in an active EA with the AP.

Like leafields said, there are some great posts pinned in the Just Found Out forum. I strongly recommend that you read them and follow the steps. You're likely to lose your marriage if you stay passive and try to wait for her heart to come back online. I don't think I've ever seen a successful reconciliation story that didn't involve the BS requiring that the WS do the work to become a safe partner. Please, please read the posts in JFO and take action. I want to see you in this forum in six months telling us how glad you both are that you took steps to get out of infidelity.

She says she loves me more than ever consistently shows love towards me but i have trouble sometimes bringing our topic where she says its not a safe space to discuss

What does she mean by it not being a safe space?

Remove the "I want you to like me" sticker from your forehead and place it on the mirror, where it belongs. ~ Susan Jeffers

Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.

posts: 1340   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023
id 8807680
Topic is Sleeping.
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