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Newest Member: M0771

Divorce/Separation :
Not As Strong As I Pretend

Topic is Sleeping.
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 ANewPerson (original poster member #83728) posted at 1:15 PM on Monday, August 28th, 2023

I went to an odd book signing for an Ex client of a friend. An ex-con spoke and promoted his book. A to guide for getting life back together after prison. It was about a 30-minute read, the advice was all simply awarded and unoriginal. Yet, the advice was all solid. Simple, like only speak honestly. "Fake it until you make", I'd say, go through all the actions of success and you'll find yourself successful.

I'm trying to rely on going through the actions of success that will lead me to a divorce. My sleep is gone again, I have pages and pages of "things I shouldn't say to the STex". I was forced to take off the rose-colored glasses when, three years after dday, she was covering up cameras coming into the house. There really isn't a point in "coming to reason". She has made the choice to continue in infidelity. What is the point of saying anything. And yet I have these fake conversations playing out in my mind with her. To what end I don't understand. Thankfully, my inner voice seems to be pushing toward explaining all the reasons I can't go on in infidelity. The thing is, even as she is screaming the name of an old (or current) affair partner at me that I wasn't aware of, she is simultaneously denying being a liar. This is real, not inner voice. Someone said, it's simple, start telling the truth. That really is the core, there is nothing without that. So why do these fake conversations with a liar keep taking my time? I have to deal with a liar in real life, I wish I could stop dealing with her in my head. She's nicer in my head, but even nicer, she's still a liar.

I've given up enough of my life to falseness. I am trying to stay strong and get to divorce. Please pray I can stay strong, I've been manipulated into staying and I'm afraid. I'm running all my contact with STex through a friend first, who then goes, "its a good idea that may help you toward divorce, so send it" or "Shelve it". He's as emotionally and intellectually gifted as anyone I know, understands the law on divorce, as much as I resist giving up autonomy, this is helpful to me. I almost went around him last night, but stuck with my journaling. I wish everyone well on their journey, God Bless us All, really. We did not deserve this.

BH 54 Divorcing

posts: 55   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2023   ·   location: Heartland USA.
id 8805796
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kiwilee ( member #10426) posted at 2:14 PM on Monday, August 28th, 2023

First of all this process is a struggle.

Remind us of your current situation. Have you filed yet? Have you put a retainer down on attorney? Are you doing IHS?

Once I realized there was no going back for me, I started taking steps towards divorcing. Step by step. Over the course of about 6 months:
1. Consulted with attorneys
2. Chose attorney
3. Paid attorney
4. Gathered financial documents (this took so long)
5. Filed
6. Told the kids
7. Started mediation

With each step, my resolve grew. There were times I wanted to ask questions and try to understand wtf is wrong with him (old patterns). But I chose to remain distant and not engage with him emotionally on any level. There were 2 things that helped tremendously here- since I was moving towards divorce, there was no longer a need to "emotionally resolve" relationship issues and he was a proven liar so I could not believe anything he said. So what was the point of communicating other than logistical items?

It was freeing to untangle from him emotionally. I left the past in the past because there was no resolving for a future that Will not exist.

You just have to stay the course and take action steps towards your goal of divorce. Each step will bring resolve and clarity. Each step is difficult but it’s your own emotions you are wrestling with (not hers or as a couple). For instance, I cried in the parking lot each time I went to the attorney office. I cried like a River when telling the kids. Etc. This is my healing journey, not ours.

My entire focus has been on pulling me and the kids through to the other side to regain my almost freedom. I don’t want bad things for WH, but he is no longer my concern. As a huge empath and probably co dependent this was a HUGE shift in focus for me.

posts: 663   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2006
id 8805798
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 ANewPerson (original poster member #83728) posted at 8:24 PM on Monday, August 28th, 2023

Remind us of your current situation. Have you filed yet? Have you put a retainer down on attorney? Are you doing IHS?

- Filed for divorce with service about two weeks ago.
- Retained an attorney, it was in a rush of strength, he was my next to interview and I hired him. He may be insufficient to the task since we have to get into a business evaluation. No warning signs he'll be light, just not a lot of cases.
- Thankfully no IHS. I fled town, while away she came and got what she wanted. Except for furniture and her clothing, she'd long ago moved any personal items. Locks are changed.
- I've completed interrogatories including the business colonoscopy over the weekend. If attorney is any good, he'll populate the formulas with some estimates and give me a look around the corner. We don't have her income, she went back to work after D-day, so at least have that going for me.

Everyone is preaching patience, but I'm trying to sprint to the finish line. In a rage, STex released more hurtful information when she screamed at me heading out the door. She'd gotten served, was supposed to be out of town, but showed up on the doorstep somehow. She's not where she says, color me surprised. Her rage scream tied a timeline together: prior to D-Day, during one of her emotional affairs, she was trying to get me to buy a house. It was an unusual choice, nothing like what she would want it seemed, but turns out not so strange. It was right near her boyfriend of the time. I'm so worn out from all the manipulations that have unfolded. It really is a shame the courts allow themselves to be tools for abusers.

BH 54 Divorcing

posts: 55   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2023   ·   location: Heartland USA.
id 8805840
Topic is Sleeping.
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