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My BH has genius level IQ. He is a brilliant man. However this year he has been diagnosed with Moderate dementia.

I have had 40 years of Hopium. Apparently he stayed with me to keep the family together. He didn't say he was waiting to divorce me, but an unexpected pregnancy apparently delayed his intent for another 20 years. For the last 3 or 4 years I have been threatened with divorce every time I disagree with him or ask him to get new hearing aids because when I am with him I 'deliberately mumble'.I have been very careful to help him with his loss of memory, without sounding superior or judgemental but it is getting harder and harder.

He completely disregards all the good things I have done to help him with his business and career. He negates every contribution I have made. He is stuck in all his old memories of my betrayal, and here was I thinking I could make up for it by being the best wife I could be. Many people have commented on how lucky he is. Now the children are all grown he feels the time to do this is now. He also now wants to throw it open to the children. When we first went through all the infidelity he told me to write an account to show the children. I did, but he didn't go through with it. A couple of years later he criticized me for writing the letter. He seems to have all this pent up anger that has carefully guarded.
His O C D tendencies have increased. He throws away clothes and shoes and complains he has nothing to wear. I have given up buying him stuff to be thrown away. The temperature of the room has to be just right and I am responsible for changes in the weather.
I feel I am now losing my mind also. My memory is shot I cannot concentrate. I keep all the family records, pay all bills, make all medical appointments, car maintenance, tax records and accountants etc. so he can be free to work. He interrupts me all the time when I am trying to work and spends an hour at least, sometimes all morning telling me how bad things are and how bad i was and I am now still.
I am at my wits end and cannot get him any help because it would be resented. I made an appointment to see an psychiatric neurologist myself,but had to wait the best part of 2 months. When I turned up they had closed the the Office that I had seen and there was not time to drive to the new one. They offered another appointment in 3 months or a possible cancellation. I just broke down and cried. He has deteriorated so much between my making the first appointment and today.

The only thing I can think to do is something I did not want to do. That is to record one of his speeches, and also now display all the OCD twitches and mannerisms he has developed when watching TV. It feels wrong. It feels like another betrayal, but I do not know what else to do.

Is there a good small voice activated recorder that anyone could recommend?.

Is he eligible for some of the newer dementia meds? Is it possible that these behaviors are related to his dementia? Can you discuss this with his care team and see if they have care tips to help you cope? If he's at moderate stage, it's possible that his behavior for the last 3-4 years are related.

Thanks very much for the quick response.
He hates doctors and will not trust them. He will not go to a doctor and will not admit there is anything wrong except a loss of memory - which he says can easily be corrected.

This evening he has decided to divorce me and came down with plans to leave that are far too complicated for him ever to do.
I have always done the travel plans and all required documentation. If he can manage that I would be happy to go ahead with a divorce.

Never Mind

Oh dear, cissie. What happened? Why did you say "never mind"? Wishing you and your BH all the best.