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Hoping that someone here with more experience in the R process can help me out. I'm still very early in R, a few months, and for the last 3 weeks the parinoia that my wife was still in contact with the AP was my primary thought/feeling, along with dealing with the hurt/sadness of the betrayal as a secondary emotion.

Over the last 5 days, my WW and I had many good conversation about the A, and that, along with my random phone checks, have helped convince me that the online affair/EA with her EX is pretty much done. I also believe her when she said she wants nothing to do with him anymore, and the thought of talking to him again terrifies her (she had a panic attack when thinking about the A the other day, so I know she looks back at it with a lot of anxiety).

So now that the parinoia is greatly subsided, all I feel is the hurt and sadness. I know a lot of people recommend doing a 180 and building yourself up. Which I have done by going to the gym, picking up old/new hobbies, but its not really helping these last few days.

All I think about is how for the last 6 years I've felt deprioritized by my wife compared to how we were the first few years, and how since we got a dog almost 4 years ago I've felt unsupported as she put all of her effort towards him, and how for the last 2 years she didn't like me or our marriage. And most of all I think about for 11 months straight she cheated on me 100s of times with inappropriate flirting, sext messages, and videos/pictures of herself nude for an ex-BF who, from what I hear of his behavior, has a sex/porn addiction and was clearly just pretending to give a shit about my WW so he could masterbate to her at the end of the day (which she recently told me he sent videos of a lot).

And yes I neglected my wife, drank too much and played video games a lot for the last 3 years. But at no time before the affair started did she vocalize how much it negatively affected her. She also offered no support to help straighten me out.

A little torn on how to deal with this. My wife has really helped me believe she is remorseful and has done a lot to improve her efforts in our marriage, both with her development and paying for MC. I don't want to derail any progress.

I guess I'm looking for advice as to how you all were able to deal with this part of the R phase and not let it hurt your recovery?

[This message edited by Tav3n at 8:45 PM, Friday, July 7th]

Hey there these are all good questions.

My opinion is this — if both parties really want to make the marriage work and are committed to doing the hard work, you can survive many things.

I suggest individual counseling for both parties to start and then marriage counseling. Bringing broken people with unresolved issues to try and fix a marriage won’t work. It’s like trying to stop a dam break with a bandaid.

Also you need to accept there will be a new marriage. Some of the old things will remain but some things will be new. Like you won’t play too many video games or spend too much $ etc.

You will try to communicate better. You will try to have boundaries etc. You can rebuild trust too — as long as there is transparency and accountability.

I hope this helps you.

how you all were able to deal with this part of the R phase and not let it hurt your recovery?

Dealing with the pain - grief, anger, fear, shame - IS recovery. You can't recover from pain unless you feel it.

R is a process of (re)building a marriage. Recovery/healing is a process of letting the pain go. They're different.

BTW, R doesn't end. It's a process of (re)building an M by living the new M. IMO, that means noticing, addressing, and resolving issues as they come up. If you stop resolving issues as they come up, M won't be all that great.

Thanks both for the reply

I suggest individual counseling for both parties to start and then marriage counseling. Bringing broken people with unresolved issues to try and fix a marriage won’t work. It’s like trying to stop a dam break with a bandaid.

Yeah we are both in MC and IC. Its been helpful in understanding each others needs, but I guess I was hoping this would all start to hurt less as we became a better person to each other. And its really not.

BTW, R doesn't end. It's a process of (re)building an M by living the new M. IMO, that means noticing, addressing, and resolving issues as they come up. If you stop resolving issues as they come up, M won't be all that great.

Yeah, I guess I am struggling on the whole processing/dealing vs wallowing. Sometimes I feel like I am doing the later and its not progressive for either one of us.

The difference between wallowing and processing is staying in touch with feelings.

When I found myself staying in my head thinking this that and the other things, I could get out of the loop by asking myself, 'What am I feeling?' I limit myself to mad, sad, glad, scared, and ashamed - the simplicity helps me clarify and make a decision about the feeling. Then I'd let myself feel the feeling directly with no thoughts in between my self and the feeling. I was taught to do that by a therapist long ago.

Thinking is a useful tool in recovering from being betrayed, but staying with feelings is even more effective when one is in an endless thought loop.

There are things more than 10 years out I still feel like I haven't processed, and I don't know how. Some days the hurt is just gonna be there. It's a psychic wound that at best is gonna leave an indelible scar.

Take the advice you get and find out what works. If you're afraid you're wallowing and not processing then you're at least being self aware.

As for the 180, it's not always necessary. That is a tool to make you safe from further damage from your ws. If you think she is really engaged in r for real then shutting her out completely is not the best idea. Focusing on your health and well being, absolutely a good plan but that doesn't need to be to the exclusion of trying to r if you feel safe enough to be there.

I may be wrong, but I think the 180 is primarily a tool/strategy for dealing with a wayward spouse who isn’t committed to reconciliation. So it might not be applicable in your case.

I’m three years into reconciliation, and I still feel the hurt and pain sometimes. It was acute and overwhelming for about a year, and it was pretty constant, but not as overwhelming, for another year after that. It wasn’t until a little over two years out that I started to genuinely and consistently feel better.

This is a long process. Sisoon has good advice. Feel your feelings, Go easy on yourself, and continue going to the gym and the old and new hobbies—those can be consistent bright spots when you’re sad and hurting. You will heal, and the hurt will lessen, but it takes time.