SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all. I have been away from this site for far too long. I think I had stayed away because you guys were so eerily accurate. You knew it wasn’t going to last before I was ready to accept it. And while we did break up and I had to move out of our home of 13 years, it’s still rough emotionally, especially since this is the first summer without him. But not really since last summer when he was on " business trips" or "poker night" or "extended PT" he was really having sex with the OW. I have a good therapist that was recommended from my dr. But I feel I talk and talk and she asks me " what do you mean…" I feel I want more steps or an explanation as to why I am the way I am why did I pick this guy why do I still want to keep in contact one day then the next day hate him and wish he’d get the plague. I feel like I cried more in the last couple of weeks than when I moved out into my apartment on my birthday! Yes, move in day was my birthday in late January.I think in my head I had a notion that I was just in exile and I’d be free of my cell and be back in my home, sans him. I don’t want to be in a relationship w him but sometimes I still want to talk about the news. I did have a strong urge to want to be held by him and I day dreamed about sneaking back into the house to lie down next to him a few times. I also had dreams that he wanted to get married and in my dream I’d be happy. I’d then wake up and be sad. We came to a type of financial agreement but honestly he got off extremely easy. I wanted half the value of our home, because he was set in saying the house was HIS. His true self of nothing more than a man caring about his assets. I live right around the corner from where I used to live and I walk by the house and still get triggered by not knowing where he is if it seems he’s not home.
I have been texting him on and off and I still have some of my things in the house. When we made plans for me to come by , which still disgusts me, he and I mis communicated about the time. But he said I could come by anyways. So when he let me in I said " that’s mine" " I bought that"… etc. he then says in an annoyed voice " when is this going to stop with the yours yours yours? It’s been 6 months!" I got so upset I started bawling my eyes out and choking on tears and ran out of house. My mom came by then cause she was going to be my emotional support but I hadn’t told him. But I was crying by the car when she came and I told her what had happened. She calmly explained to Jn that he had 5 years to move on ( the length of time of his affairs) and that I have only had 6 months and still raw. He just stood there and my mom drove me back to my apartment and we hung out till later then she picked up her car( she asked if she could leave it in driveway to bring me home) I still have unanswered questions that I still ask to him and he never answers my questions.

Your mom is very wise. You've only had months to adjust, and healing can take years. It's so, so hard.

I get how you're feeling, but I'm going to give you a 2x4. Gently, get the rest of your things out of the house and stop walking by. Go NC and remember, NC means no new hurts. Frankly, if you could move further away, it might help your healing. If he was the type that beat you, this is like staying an inch outside the punch zone.

Try to protect you because he doesn't recognize how special you are.

[This message edited by leafields at 1:30 AM, Tuesday, June 27th]

7 months is nothing. And I get the pain- my WS left me a couple days before my 50th. Jerks.

Get your stuff— one trip and that is it. Bring mom, friends, a Uhaul and get everything.
Then DO NOT GO BY THERE or text him or call him again. No contact = no new hurts. That means no social media stalking, no walking by his house, no texting.

And with your IC, tell her what you want from her. They can give you tools and help you understand why you feel the way you feel - in the end, you have the knowledge in you but it takes being very vulnerable for you to see it and acknowledge it. It is a process where you sometimes go slow to go fast— meaning you have to build trust and vulnerability with yourself and your therapist in order to feel safe to dig deep in yourself. And honestly, it took me a few months to just cry and rehash everything… the road to recovery is longer than we want. Keep working at it. You will get there.

I’m sorry you are hurting. It will get better.

and I walk by the house

I always avoided going by my ex's at all cost. If it was unavoidable, I would shut the eye that was on the side would see his house and keep my head straight. Meaning, I never let myself look at the place and made sure my side vision didn't catch it either.

I agree with getting your stuff all at once. Make a list (so there is not onsite bartering) and have him have it all ready when you arrive.

First week of absolutely no contact. Let’s see how next week goes. My goal is to not text or go to house for two whole weeks. My mom is texting him only for things from house.