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Newest Member: shouldistayorshouldigono

Reconciliation :
An Interesting situation…

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Confused12445 (original poster new member #83352) posted at 1:39 PM on Wednesday, May 17th, 2023

So I feel as though my situation is a little bizarre. I was iatrogenically harmed by a drug in September 2022. This caused a massive immune and neurological response and completely changed my personality and I was essentially bedridden. If I could compare it to something, it is similar to being severely floxed.

During this time, I was incredibly hopeless and depressed due to my symptoms. I had to drop out of my Masters Program, could not socialize, could not work, could not think straight, could not do normal daily activities, etc. My fiancé ended up being my caregiver. I felt TERRIBLE for him because I went from being a vibrant woman with endless energy to disabled. I offered him the opportunity for us to be in an open relationship or for him to cheat. This was done out of guilt as I could not be a good partner due to my illness. I went downhill so incredibly fast. He refused and told me that he is not interested in that. During this time as well, I was acting in an extremely toxic way. I was telling my partner that I did not love him anymore. I was telling him that I wanted to die. I told him I’m not attracted and he should seek out other people. I had episodes of rage and extreme crying. Once I smashed all the wine glasses because my anger was so uncontrollable. It felt like borderline psychosis. I also had total Anhedonia and lost all my interests. I’m not trying to excuse his behavior, but I am simply trying to set the tone of what it was like to be with me. I was active in all aspects of life. I was working, I was gaining higher education, I exercised every day and had a ton of friends and a very active and fun social life. My fiancé and I did everything together and prior to my drug reaction, we were very happy. It went from bliss to a nightmare very fast.

On NYE, he ended up getting extremely drunk and high on MDMA and was chatting with a woman for a while. He told me they went into a spare bedroom to "crash" at like 7am. They shared a few kisses before passing out and not taking it further. He told me IMMEDIATELY after coming home early that morning. I would have not known otherwise. He told me with tears in his eyes and was extremely apologetic. At the time of disclosure, I did not care AT ALL. I was too ill to care.

In February, I started getting better. By April, I was 50% improved. At the rate I’m going at, I am expecting a full recovery by 2024. From September 2022 until now, my partner has taken care of me entirely. The only thing is, I cannot seem to shake the fact that he cheated. I take solace in the fact that I gave him permission to, but I’m also annoyed that he refused my offer and only took me up on it when the opportunity presented itself. I also contacted the woman he cheated with — without him knowing. She was a complete random to him and has no dog in this fight so has no reason to lie. I found her on Facebook and she corroborated his story (only kissing, nothing else). However, now that my brain function has returned significantly (still not 100%), my mind is running wild and I’m paranoid. What if they actually had sex? I keep reading about trickle truths, but my partner maintained his story for months.

I love my fiancé a lot and wish that I never planted the seed that he could cheat. I know he regrets it. I would like to move past this. Is there anyone in a similar situation that can offer advice? Im looking for couples who were under stress due to illness (caregiver spouses). I’m having trouble being intimate because I keep picturing him with another person. We do plan on counselling. For context, I am 31 and he is 39.

posts: 1   ·   registered: May. 17th, 2023
id 8791205
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Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 7:32 PM on Wednesday, May 17th, 2023

Hello Confused12445 and welcome to SI. First I’m glad to hear you are on the road to recovery. It sounds like your fiancé was a great caregiver for you.

What is acceptable in a marriage varies on what is agreed to. You made an offer and he declined, but when he let his boundaries down and crossed a line he really shouldn’t point at the offer you made, he crossed a line that he knew was wrong, don’t blame yourself or your illness on this.

There is hope in that he confessed immediately, a lot of us here got jerked around with trickle truth for months, if you believe you have the truth then it will take time to restore the relationship, mind movies can last a while but will eventually subside. You both need individual counseling before doing couples counseling.

I wish you the best in your recovery.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3387   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8791284
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 7:58 PM on Wednesday, May 17th, 2023

Hi Confused, and welcome to SI. In the JFO (Just Found Out) forum, there are some pinned posts at the top that contain a lot of useful information for people who have recently found out. Also, the Healing Library is a great resource and contains a list of the acronyms we use.

Your behavior was no excuse for cheating. I agree with Tanner. You both need IC to heal and work through some issues before thinking about couples counseling.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3326   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8791291
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Edie ( member #26133) posted at 9:57 AM on Monday, May 22nd, 2023

I’m having trouble being intimate because I keep picturing him with another person. We do plan on counselling.

Mind movies can be dealt with quite easily by using rewind techniques - you become the director and make it play the way you want it to, perhaps by fast forwarding, spooling fast backwards and forwards, changing the ending or rewriting where for example, I made my OW fall clumsily out of bed showing her very spotty bum in my edit of my mind movies, it can be quite fun even. It’s hard to be intimate if you don’t feel safe. I’m guessing your brain is only now just trying to catch up with the information he gave you a while back (when you were helpless and dependent on him) and is trying to puzzle out the implications. That he came back and told you immediately and that she corroborates the facts seems quite reassuring. He sounds like he has otherwise been very supportive so there is much to build on. Couples counselling sounds a good idea as you’ve both been through a trauma, together and singly.

Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 kids 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) R'd.

posts: 6638   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2009   ·   location: Europe
id 8791988
Topic is Sleeping.
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