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General :
Is it time to end R?

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 Abalone123 (original poster member #82896) posted at 3:24 AM on Wednesday, May 31st, 2023

He never addressed the shame he felt. And he didn't surrender to the fact that he's an addict. So, even though he "did the work" he still relapsed

@secondtime : This is exactly my husbands attitude towards the whole addiction bit. It’s not cool to be an addict of any kind after all. I know he is ashamed and this gets downplayed a lot. I don’t think he has accepted this fully and it’s impact on our marriage, I do anticipate a relapse.I go through periods of checking his devices and have not found anything. But I am sure he knows what I am looking for, so what’s to say he hasn’t gotten smarter at cheating.

I have told him explicitly that I will keep my options of leaving open. I have been very vocal about what my needs are and how they are not being met. Thought it would help, but it hasn’t.

posts: 284   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2023
id 8793201
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 Abalone123 (original poster member #82896) posted at 3:35 AM on Wednesday, May 31st, 2023

@The1stWife : I wanted to read more of your posts and could not find the one describing your situation in detail. Can I say it was nice to read whatever I could about how you seemed to really own the R. Ideal outcome where you show the middle finger and walk away and the WS comes back to his senses laugh i am happy for you and hope you are doing well.

posts: 284   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2023
id 8793202
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 Abalone123 (original poster member #82896) posted at 3:54 AM on Wednesday, May 31st, 2023

@Cooley2here : Our initial responses to the cheating were so similar. I was young and very naive. It was easier to ignore it. I spent a good 15 yrs blanking that aspect of my marriage out. It would have stayed that way if there weren’t some situations that came up.
I hope you are doing ok. I am sure it’s a bit unsettling to your husband to know that you are aware of everything but haven’t asked him explicitly or confronted. Hopefully it makes it very uncomfortable to cheat anymore, rather leaving him feeling foolish, while you get to be more cool,classy and powerful.
My plans if R ends are mostly focused on improving my job options, moving countries ( yes ! I would love to experience different countries and cultures). I am not worried about living alone, but I want to be sure before I take any decisions. Once I move on there is no coming back.

posts: 284   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2023
id 8793206
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 6:03 PM on Wednesday, May 31st, 2023

My H and I would have had a very long discussion if he was still that person but we both grew up.
He has been a good husband and a good father. He has worked hard all of his life to provide for us. I have no complaints other than the typical wife ones. I think he feels the same.

The only reason I come here to SI is because I know that people change their behaviors. That is different than changing personalities or morals. Sometimes I read about cheaters white knuckling it to stay on the high ground. If they can then somewhere down the line they might find surcease from what drove them to lie and cheat in the first place. There is such a difference in a narcissistic serial cheater and an office romance. They are both painful to the bs but one can be resolved and the other cannot. I always hope for a good outcome. But. I will express my opinion if I think a bs needs to move on. The reason is because of the real damage stress does to someone over a long period of time. That is something people need to understand. Stress is cumulative and can be deadly.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 4274   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8793261
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