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 HAKH (original poster new member #83211) posted at 1:24 PM on Thursday, April 27th, 2023

Hi,

My story is, I had an emotional affair for an year and then physical for 6 months. Reason for emotional affair is that my husband was never there for me whenever I need him, he use to overwork and completely neglect me and my emotional need. He got to know 2 months back and I am not able to forgive me from that time. I tried to stop the affair earlier but my AP gave me a lot of hope. I have no contact with AP and I am fully remorse and trying to reconcile with my spouse.

From last two months he hasn't spoken to me nicely(obviously) but the sad part is he gets abusive and use bad language and demeaning comments for me. Which hurt me a lot. Not he is on all the dating sites and trying to connect with girls around. We have a 8 year old child and I am scared to loose my family.

I want to try everything to keep this marriage, I want to know if he is abusing me out of anger or he no longer wants to continue? He told me couple of times to separate out of anger and also said he will not give me my son. I can not loose them, I love them. has anyone gone through the similar situation? How long will this continue? Will this ever end? I am not able to understand If he also wants to reconcile. I can not have this conversation with him and he will say its your choice to stay or leave. He has informed my family about my affair but I am thankful that he did not tell his family about it. Please help me.

posts: 2   ·   registered: Apr. 16th, 2023   ·   location: India
id 8788664
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WalkinOnEggshelz ( Administrator #29447) posted at 12:39 AM on Friday, April 28th, 2023

Hello, and welcome. I am sorry you find yourself here.

Other than no contact with your AP, what have you started doing to heal? Do you have counseling available to you? Have you been reading any books? I recommend Not Just Friends and also, How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair. Both good reads to get on the right path.

Healing takes a very long time (2-4 years typically) and has a lot of ups and downs. It is important to be empathetic to his pain, however abusive behavior should not be accepted.

Have you started doing any work to figure out why you had your affair? It sounds like you blame your husband for not being there. You will need to learn to take responsibility for your own actions despite his. If he is feeling that you are blaming him on top of the betrayal itself, that could be exacerbating his anger.

I hope you can elaborate on what you have been doing so far so that we can help you better.

Me: WS late 40’s
Him: BH (HoldingTogether)
D Day: 7/24/2010
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

posts: 16058   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2010   ·   location: Texas
id 8788767
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 HAKH (original poster new member #83211) posted at 12:39 PM on Friday, April 28th, 2023

I have never told him that he is responsible, i always said it's because of me, i did this. I take full responsibility. I never told him that he did was wrong. I feel that I was alone and took this step.

I am planning to go to therapy from 3rd May. But he is not agreeing to go to couple therapy. I completely empathize with him. I want to be there and heal him. But just him being on tinder and bumble make me feel sad.

Will the reverse cheating heal him? Or he is planning to get another women and leave me? I do not understand.

posts: 2   ·   registered: Apr. 16th, 2023   ·   location: India
id 8788793
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WalkinOnEggshelz ( Administrator #29447) posted at 2:18 PM on Friday, April 28th, 2023

Reason for emotional affair is that my husband was never there for me whenever I need him, he use to overwork and completely neglect me and my emotional need.

This statement is what makes it sound like you blame your husband. I encourage you to look deeper into this.

As far as your husband’s recent behavior, having what we call a revenge affair will not help him heal. It only complicates working through the pain. Each of you have work to do to heal whether you separate or remain together.

Me: WS late 40’s
Him: BH (HoldingTogether)
D Day: 7/24/2010
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

posts: 16058   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2010   ·   location: Texas
id 8788815
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