1345Marine (original poster new member #71646) posted at 2:22 PM on Tuesday, March 14th, 2023
I work nights, and now that it's morning, I just cannot sleep. I'm exhausted, but today WW is working. It's the same as all the times she used me being asleep after working all night as her playtime with AP with work as a cover. Most days she works random times, but today she was up and going when I got home. Still working those same stores she fucked him in. He's still out there. Who knows what she's doing? But, I can't sleep thinking about it. So I'll be exhausted tonight.
But right now I'm thinking about a theory I heard on Rogans podcast. A guy waa saying that if you hypothetically had a car, but only drove it to anything more than a mile away as a very firm rule, well the worst case scenario for you is something .99 miles away. It's weird, because lots of things can be further away and thus worse, but then you'd just drive and get there a lot faster. So 5 miles away is actually better than a quarter mile. And the point is that if things are just bad, but bearable, we persevere miserably. We won't use every tool we have to change it. Just like we won't drive the car if it's not deemed "worth it". So maybe the best place to be is a worse place. Maybe that's what I need, is more pain to finish kicking my ass. Or maybe I need to just change the rule. I mean, after all, it's my cat. I can just decide its been enough now and use it. I could just decide I've has enough not trusting her and hating my life and change it. I hate living this way.
BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 2:58 PM on Tuesday, March 14th, 2023
If you knew that you only had 6 months to live, is this how you would choose to spend the little time you have left?
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried
I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.
This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 3:15 PM on Tuesday, March 14th, 2023
From a practical perspective, take unisom (a non-habit-forming sleep aid).
From a more theoretical perspective, there is a lot to be said about choosing suffering. I think without experiencing it yourself, you won't find your limit. From your limit, you'll find the strength to decide enough is enough, and sometimes that wakes a WS up. Sometimes it doesn't. I wish there was a shortcut to the end of the suffering, but there isn't really.
Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.
Confused282 ( member #79680) posted at 3:33 PM on Tuesday, March 14th, 2023
So many things I want to say.
If your wife was really remorseful and wanted to save the marriage she would find a new job immediately.
That’s not ok and it is even professionals opinion.
That alone would be enough to divorce.
Did you really send the man’s wife a letter?
Yelling out his window and only have him come out is not proof.
If you have received no response or acknowledgment from the wife then you have not informed her.
You’re so stuck. I get it. But you can’t live like this.
You need to take charge but if you won’t walk away then you have no leverage.
I need to reread your recent post before I comment further.
You deserve better. You’re right around 40 you still have a lot of time.
Take care of yourself in the meantime. Health, fitness finances. Get some sleep aids if needed.
Sleep is the number 1 important thing in health.
Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 3:33 PM on Tuesday, March 14th, 2023
We have given you all sorts of advice on this forum. Some of it as direct as suggesting you cut your losses and move on. Some of it milder and maybe outlining what’s needed to reconcile – if possible.
For example: I have emphasized her alcoholism and dealing with that as a prerequisite for any further attempt at working through the infidelity.
Having her work in proximity with OM is a definite no-no here on SI, with copious examples of how it makes what is a near impossible task even closer to impossible.
Please Marine – you can use this site to vent and to let off steam. But if you want advice we would prefer you give us feedback on what advice speaks to you.
"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus
Confused282 ( member #79680) posted at 3:40 PM on Tuesday, March 14th, 2023
Listen to bigger.
I’ve thought the same thing.
You post then you disappear.
I know the divorce talk is hard to hear but it really is the only way even if you want to work things out.
Even the positive stories of reconciliation usually have the get the fuck out moment.
If you won’t move on you don’t have any leverage.
I think you need to take control of you want to save the marriage.
But if you will put up with anything then you have no leverage to enforce boundaries.
I think you won’t tell the wife because you’re scared she will kick him out then take your wife.
That’s my opinion.
As much as it would hurt you in the short term it would save you a lot of pain in the long run of that happened.
You’re in such a rut.
I truly hope things work out for you.
Don’t think we don’t want you here. Even if we sound frustrated.
I’m more than willing to tell you a thousand times if needed.
Get a sleep aid.
self-rescuer ( member #35059) posted at 4:02 PM on Tuesday, March 14th, 2023
There is just one question you need to ask yourself. Is this acceptable to you?
How are you tending to the the emerging story of your life?
~ Carol Hegedus