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General :
The "best friend" who enabled/supported it

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Sick2Death ( member #24681) posted at 11:38 PM on Monday, March 6th, 2023

Bluerthanblue- death of a thousand cuts so true.

Squink - if she has family out it to them and name the friend…. It’s a dirty game unfortunately. I’m about to do the same. Daylight is the best disinfectant.

Boundaries mean nothing to her right now nor does the marriage.

BS Me 53 WH 55 Married 29 years

posts: 56   ·   registered: Jul. 4th, 2009
id 8781072
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ibonnie ( member #62673) posted at 12:08 AM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2023

Hi Squink. Very sorry you're going through this.


Fellow NYCer though, so if you want some recommendations for family/divorce lawyers I consulted with, LMK and I'll DM you their names/contact info.

"I will survive, hey, hey!"

posts: 2111   ·   registered: Feb. 11th, 2018
id 8781074
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HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 12:35 AM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2023

@Bigger

Right now it’s a power struggle.

Truth

She’s thinking lying and manipulating got her into this mess, lying and manipulating will get her out of it. It is almost laughable. Almost.

While you deal with her, even if getting a divorce, ask yourself what you need to do to make honesty and transparency her winning play. She certainly doesn’t think that is the case now.

What I did with my wife was I told her in the absence of proof, to protect me I would always assume the worst and act thusly. Always. This changed the manipulation dynamic.

You should confront her BFF.

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 3202   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8781077
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 Squink (original poster new member #83003) posted at 1:31 AM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2023

Fellow NYCer though, so if you want some recommendations for family/divorce lawyers I consulted with, LMK and I'll DM you their names/contact info.

Yes, I would really appreciate that. I don't think I have enough posts yet to DM you back so thanking you in advance here.

posts: 9   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2023   ·   location: NY
id 8781082
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ibonnie ( member #62673) posted at 3:03 AM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2023

Hmmm. I thought I could DM you, but I guess not until you have 50 posts?

Two totally different lawyers/practices, but I liked them the most: Elena Tisnovsky and Matthew Goodwin, both in Manhattan. This was several years ago, but her consultation cost $250 for over an hour, and she answered and gave me advice via multiple emails after we met. His consultation was $100 for an hour. I went in prepared with questions and a rough idea of our finances and their answers were similar.

Ultimately, and I can't remember how I came across this info originally, but WS and I went to a divorce mediation clinic through the NYC Courts and it was free.

If you search the NYC Courts website, you can find information about a divorce mediation clinic that the Benjamin N. Cardozo School of Law runs for either low or no fee. WS (wayward spouse) and I went that route, but when it came to finances and child-related stuff, we were both pretty reasonable and on the same page. Depending on your situation, if you qualify, you get 4-6 sessions with a soon-to-be-graduating law student, supervised by a law professor.

I wouldn't suggest this if your WW (wayward wife) is upset/angry/vindictive though. WS and I were basically on the same page about splitting our finances 50/50 (I signed away the car so I wouldn't walk away with any CC debt), which holidays we each wanted the kids for, who was responsible for vets bills for the pets, how much spousal & child support would be paid etc. etc.

"I will survive, hey, hey!"

posts: 2111   ·   registered: Feb. 11th, 2018
id 8781092
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 Squink (original poster new member #83003) posted at 1:35 PM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2023

Thanks, this is very helpful.

posts: 9   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2023   ·   location: NY
id 8781122
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Butforthegrace ( member #63264) posted at 8:51 PM on Saturday, March 11th, 2023

Hello Squink, any update on conversations with your wife about this so-called "friend"?

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 4179   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8781749
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Mechanic ( new member #70602) posted at 10:57 PM on Saturday, March 11th, 2023

My wife had a co-worker she confided in. I went through her phone and saw all the messages between her and "friend" (who was engaged). Friend was basically a sounding board, never quite offering advice one way or the other. Which sucked, because you SHOULD be saying this is a bad idea. The first year, I was "pussified" and forced to do the pick me dance, as well as go out to dinner with so called "friend" a few times.

Once we ditched the awful marriage counselor, I drew boundaries. One time the wife suggested we go out with her "friend" for dinner, now that she's married. I told my wife I'm in a different place now and I'd have no problem telling her new husband that his wife is an infidelity enabler.

Haven't heard about it ever since.

Me: BS (58)
WW: 54
M: 30, together 34
2 grown girls
DDay: 2/13/16. Happy Valentines Day, chump!

Slowly reconciling.

posts: 27   ·   registered: May. 22nd, 2019
id 8781760
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 Squink (original poster new member #83003) posted at 10:52 AM on Monday, March 13th, 2023

Thanks for asking. I have taken a trip to see old friends and to reflect on things for 10 days, so there isn’t much of an update. But I am talking to my friends who I am seeing on this trip and getting good support from them and generally feeling a bit better. I will update when I have something more substantial to add.

posts: 9   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2023   ·   location: NY
id 8781921
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